Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Great Moments in Literature 3: The Development of Ma Junior / Demon Jr. / Piccolo

I like writing these, they're funner, no one gets offended with these ones either, they are fun for the whole family and everything.

Previous articles in the Great Moments in Literature Series:

1. Bob Backlund

2. Stan Gable


Today we shall not be looking at literature from fake wrestling or even from movies but shall be looking at a great character from Japanese Cartoons.

Now before we get going I want the record to show that for the most part...I am not a huge fan of Japanese Cartoons. It has a very cookie cutter format to it with thousands of people over in Japan writin' comix and making animations and it has reached a level of conveyor-belt-a-tude that almost is sweat-shop-esque in nature. I think the thing with these cartoons are "how fast and how many of these can we make?" and quantity always outweighs quality. Sometimes they do put budget into them and make feature length high-quality ones (like Akira, etc.) but for the most part the genre lacks originality.

That being said there's two Japanese Cartoons over the years which I think are fucking cool as all hell and they are One Piece and Dragon Ball (Z). Why out of the 2.7 million different Japanese cartoons are these the only two that I think are fucking cool as hell? Because they pump me up like fucking crazy, that's why. When I'm feeling unpumped there's nary a time either One Piece or Dragon Ball Z can't re-pump me up and get me all crazy and shit.

Oh man, the first time I saw Chiaotzu jump on to Nappa's back and blow himself up to try and save earth yet ultimately only managed to self-sacrifice himself vain, I felt like to cry, but then Tien Shin Han totally steps up and even though he has one arm cut off and blood is shooting everywhere...he fucking totally flips out and starts doing one-armed Kikihoos all over the damned place and just fucking going ballistic and goin' nuts.

My emotions get confused when watching this show sometimes...I don't know whether to cry, to get super-pumped...or both! It's like this show invokes an emotion in my brain n' body that I've never even felt before...bein' sad and pumped at the same exact time. It's like being Sumped or maybe Pumpad.

There are very little if any other entertainment media that can invoke the Pumpad emotion (which was just recently named only 10 seconds ago) in this boiling and festering soul of mine....so for that Dragon Ball is pretty cool in my books.

The character who's devo-lopment we shall be lookin' into shall be the character known as Ma Junior / Demon Jr. or as most Westernites know him...Piccolo.

(Note: Everyone's seen this fucking show, no? There's no need for a spoiler warnin' really).


Piccolo's Dad

Before you can learn about Piccolo you first have to hear a bit about his crazy old dad.

Good (Right), Evil (Left)
Piccolo's dad was a weird green alien man from outer space who got bored on his dumb planet (which we learned later was mostly green oceans, ugly green people, and dumb looking domes) and blasted off into outer-space lookin' for adventure! Eventually Piccolo's Dad would wind up on earth where he'd notice was a planet filled with weak and boring people.

He soon figured these jabronies needed a cool alien to guide them so he became God (seriously), but he felt that in order to be a super-benevolent God he'd first have to rid himself of evil. So using a technique common on his planet he split himself into two...one Good Side and one Evil Side.

The Good side of Piccolo's dad became God and watched over the earth while the Evil side went nuts and killed a bunch of fucking people. Luckily, a local martial arts man named Master Muta Ito managed to seal the Evil side of Piccolo's dad into an electric rice steamer where he remained for like a hundred years.

Many years later, unfortunately, a blue midget, a ninja-dog, and a hot russian-looking woman eventually happen upon the rice steamer and let Evil Piccolo's Dad out and shit gets messed up quick. Evil Piccolo's Dad (EPD) gets all the dragon ballz, wishes his youth back, and then declares May 9th as Piccolo Day. All the earthians have to celebrate that day marking it forever and ever as the day their new King arrived.

Ya, Piccolo's dad was fucking evil, a serious bad guy. He starts spitting out all these mutant "sons" that look like pterodactyls and all kinds of crazy things, which is pretty cool, but Tien and Goku beat up all the mutant "sons" in their attempt to stop his evil deeds.

Eventually, after Tien fails to re-trap Piccolo's dad in a rice steamer...Goku (when he's still a little kid) beats the living fuck out of Piccolo's dad....

....but.....

...Before Piccolo's dad dies he spits out an egg but this one isn't a stupid egg that hatches pterodactyls and stupid things like that...inside this egg is a perfect clone of Evil Piccolo's Dad...a perfect baby EPD which has all his DNA and even some of his memories and stuff.


Piccolo, First Incarnation: REAL EVIL

Piccolo, when he hatches from that slimy egg looks cute...but he's not...he's actually really really evil. He's as evil as his Evil Dad but he's just in a cute cute baby form at first.

He ages quickly because he's not human and soon enough he's a big boy and ready to compete in the 23rd Annual World Martial Arts Tournament. All the big names will be there like Yamcha, Chiaotzu, Tien Shin Han, Krillin, and the one who killed his dad...Goku.

Piccolo is more than just his dad's son, he is literally like a clone of his dad with not only his facial features and physiognomy...but also is a prisoner to his father's evil hopes and dastardly dreams.

He knows he has to kill Goku and get his revenge. He will stop at nothing to kill Goku, even if it means destroying the entire arena, or even the planet if that's what it takes.

His uncle Good Piccolo shows up and steals some dude's body in order to fight his nephew and seal him in a rice steamer but he fails and Piccolo gets his uncle sealed away instead...oh no!

Goku and Piccolo meet in the finals, as everyone expected and they do indeed destroy the entire arena during the battle...yet once again Goku comes out on top and defeats Evil King Piccolo's son.

Yet, in an act of kindness befitting of Goku, he gives Piccolo a Senzu Bean which heals his deep wounds and saves his life. Piccolo is remiss at this action yet undeterred as he vows to re-match Goku and kill him some time in the near future.


Dangerous Liaisons

Both Piccolo and Goku train in order to be in top shape for their re-match when the title is back on the line...the stakes shall be once again high as Piccolo vowed death unto Goku's head....yet misfortune erupts around our would-be pugilists as different aliens from a more different planet (the one Goku's actually from) come to earth to kill everybody.

Oh shit. The new alien kidnaps Goku's son and all kinds of panic ensues...oh my goodness.

Piccolo is distraught at this turn of events under the reasoning that if this dumb alien kills all the earthians and Goku then how the hell is he supposed to kill all the earthians and Goku!? After much deliberation, Piccolo decides that his only option is to propose a brief alliance with Goku to rid this alien menace under the understanding that it would be mutually beneficial for both parties...to which Goku accepts....

AND THE WORLD'S MOST STRONGEDEST TEEEEEEAM IS BORNED! DA-DA-NA-NA-NA-DA-Na-na-na-DA-DA-NA-NA-NA-NAAA!

Piccolo's deranged and evil mind seems to be easing slightly as he shows extreme signs of rational thinking with these actions. One might even begin to wonder if the heart of this evil being is beginning to crack slightly...possibly the Senzu Bean Goku gave him long ago as an act of kindness chipped away at his heart? Only time will tell.

Goku and Piccolo gang up on the stupid alien and try to kick the shit out of him but simply can't because they suck so bad....but then something really fucked happens...Goku's kid who's only like 4 years old and who's been kidnapped by the alien this whole entire time flips out hard when he sees his dad getting his ass kicked and goes ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BUCK WILD CRAZY AND FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. He nails the alien guy and the alien, Goku, and Piccolo are all like....

"Whoa, what the hell?"

Goku and Piccolo get their shit back together and get pumped after seeing Goku's son go nuts and they get more confidence to beat the alien. Goku gets the alien in a fricken Full Nelson and implores Piccolo to shoot his crazy-cool Demon Spiral Death Ray, that he loads from his mind into his index and middle fingertips, right through both the alien and himself.

Wow! COOOOOOL!
Piccolo is all for the idea of killing the alien and Goku with one super-wicked-cool-as-smoke damned Makankosappo Demon Lazor Cannon Ray for it would be like killing two birds with one stone (as they say).

He blasts them both and gets his wish of killing the alien and Goku....yet he can't relax yet.

(yo, don't worry death isn't legit in this show, people can just get wished back to life with the darned Dragon Ballz...like Krillin's been killed at least 5 times in this show and he's still there)

He cannot relax and feel victory because his loose lips are gunna sink a bunch of ships. As the alien lay dying, Piccolo added insult to the alien's injury by telling the stupid alien that Goku's friends were just gonna wish him back with the darned Dragon Ballz anyway, so the alien is the only bozo that's gunna die. The alien gets the last of the laughs though...because he had a fucking tape recorder broadcasting that conversation to outer space where his alien friends are and now they are gonna come to earth to get those darned Dragon Ballz and fuck everything to shit and kill everybody! Oh my goooodness.

As Piccolo feels stupid that he said that and realizes this fight is only beginning, he recalls Goku's son's flip-out from earlier and tells the 4 year old he's gonna train him to harness that power so he can help him fight the aliens when they get to earth. The kid doesn't want to but Piccolo tells him he'll break his fucking neck if he doesn't do the intense Jungle Survival Training he has planned for him!

Has the evil Piccolo become less evil or is he just allying himself with Goku and now his son to save his own evil green skin? Only time will tell.


Benevolent Uncle Piccolo

Piccolo throws Goku's son into the jungle and tells him if he doesn't die in the next like 6 months then he'll train him to be wicked strong. He does this to toughen the kid up, but it turns out not to be as harsh as you'd think as Piccolo is always giving the kid apples and helpin' him out in the jungle from afar so the kid doesn't die. Piccolo's watchful eye doesn't look evil when he does this...his watchful eye looks kinda uncle-like.
Take THAT ya big moon!

With Piccolo's help Goku's son (Gohan) progresses his survival training nicely, except trouble brews out as Gohan (due to being a monkey alien) turns into a gigantic gorilla at night time cuz of the moon and tries to murder Piccolo. Being a pretty smart guy, Piccolo realizes this is a total werewolf-esque situation being caused by the dumb moon....so he fucking Makankosappo Demon Lazor Cannons the god damned moon! Cool.

Blowing up the moon is just plain cool. It just is. Master Roshi blowed it up once too, I think, but I don't remember how or why the moon came back...I'm guessing someone wished it back with those darned Dragon Ballz, I dunno.

After that Gohan isn't a big gorilla for a while and they develop a sort of friendship between them. Piccolo keeps telling himself he is training him to stop the aliens so he can conquer the world himself when the alien threat has passed...yet the viewer knows better and can plainly see his evil heart cracking before their very eyes.

When the other two aliens (the friends of the first alien) finally show their retarded faces on earth to kill everyone and rob the Dragon Ballz...Gohan participates with the other earthian heroes to repel them, yet with Goku still out on the disabled list (60-Day DL; Out indefinitely due to Death), Gohan and the others cannot defeat the monkey aliens and their painful deaths are imminent...

...and not only imminent but those deaths are for REAL this time cuz if the monkey aliens kill the guy who makes the Dragon Ballz (which turns out to be fucking Piccolo...cuz if Piccolo dies then the Good Piccolo dies too and Good Piccolo is God, remember?)...then they can't wish nobody back with said Dragon Ballz, which sucks cuz then when yer dead yer dead for good.

All that taken into consideration, i.e. Piccolo KNOWS that if he dies then no one can wish anyone back to life, what happens next is pretty large, man....

...................
When one of the monkey aliens tries to kill Gohan, Piccolo jumps in front of the child and takes the energy blast meant for him....and dies. It's so damned sad, my goodness...because this time it's real...like there's no more Dragon Ballz if Piccolo dies....and now Piccolo's straight up dead.

Before he dies, he tells Gohan something that will break your damned heart even if it's coming from a green man from a very silly cartoon show from Japan, he says...

"Gohan, you're the only real friend I've ever had. I want to thank you..."


You saw this evil creature's heart cracking the whole entire time, from when he started training Gohan 'til this very moment, you knew he was slowly becoming a good guy. Now in the heat of life-or-death battle, he sacrificed himself for his sworn enemy's son...but why? Because that boy was "the only real friend he ever had." 

Those were his last words. That's so deep, word.

Yo.


I'm Home! I'm ALIVE! I FEEEL GREEAT! I FEEL INCREDIBLE! YES! YES! I CAN WIN! WOW! MY GOSH!

Well, even though apparently he was dead for good...he really wasn't. Turned out there was more of those magic Dragon Ballz on the planet Piccolo originally came from so they all shoot up to space to find them and resurrect all the earthians that died from the alien attack (including Piccolo).

Unfortunately, A crazy planet-broker who buys and sells planets and their resources to the highest bidder gets pissed that our heroes are messing around on a planet that he wants to gut and sell so he gives them a hard time. This guy is tough too.

Our intrepid space-venturing heroes eventually wish Piccolo back and he feels stronger from training on that King Kai planet but is unconfident that he can beat this new enemy....but as luck would have it he finds a really powerful countryman who is near death and fuses with him (remember how God did that at the start? Yeah you can un-fuse yourself but you can also fuse yourself too, obviously).

This guy he vulcan mind-melds with is like a totally cool guy too and when their bodies merge Piccolo turns into even more of a better guy and even more of the evil washes away, in fact a huge wave of Positive Thinking hits our favorite green guy, check it out...



YES! YES! YES! WOW!

Holy moly, I've never seen Piccolo this positive before, he's like a new man after he fused with that dying guy. Wow. Talk about character development...how 'bout merging souls with another person and becoming a more better person? How's that for character development!? Whoa.

Piccolo kicks some ass, then Goku comes and turns blonde and beats some more ass....they win, but the important thing is that Piccolo is even more less-evil now.


Becoming God's Uncle

After they make everyone alive again and come back to earth from Piccolo's planet...they have to fight a bunch of robots who came from the future to murder them, why the fuck not?

These robots? Holy shit they are strong...like waaay more stronger than the last guys they fought in outer space. Piccolo comes to the conclusion that he is but merely half a man and could never beat a bunch of robots from the future in his present state.

Remember how his dad and his uncle were once One? Well, Piccolo thinks it's time to become One again and goes to see his Uncle God on that tower where God, a cat, a fat guy, and a guy with a turban live. Piccolo is basically all like....

Piccolo: "Uncle God, I'm not all that evil anymore so let's fuse and become One like you and my dad used to be before, ok God?"

God: Ya, okay, fine.

So, Piccolo and God fuse together and become One...thus completing the long and somewhat strange transformation of Piccolo from a bad guy into a good guy. This new good-guy Piccolo and his friends beat those damned robots and everything's chill again.

After all's said and done...Piccolo (now God) looks back and remembers all the bad shit he did to people and realizes he's still a bit too evil to be friggin' God of Earth so he vacates the position and recommends a kid they brought home with them from space be God now... and Piccolo will be like God's Uncle and watch over God and teach God right from wrong.


Character Development Assessment

Okay, so...basically, Piccolo went from being:

1. An Alien

and then became,

2. Two Aliens

and then became, 

3. An Egg

and then became,

4. A cute baby Alien 

and then became,

5.  A Bad Guy

and then became,

6. A Rational Bad Guy who Worked with Good Guys when it was Necessary

and then became,

 7. A Bad Guy who Understood what Real Friendship Was

and then became,

8. Almost a Good Guy after Fusing/Merging Himself with a Pretty Decent Guy

and then became,

9. A Good Guy after Fusing/Merging with his uncle who happened to be God 

and then became,

10. God's Benevolent Uncle


Okay, wow....now that's some character development, man. My goodness. They won't teach you that in those script writing classes those hollywood jaboronies take. Fuck.

Normally, character development goes like a 1-2-3 progression of bad guy - to normal guy - to good guy... but with Piccolo, the vehicle getting him from point A to point B on his character development map took some scenic detours, that's for sure.

If you're gonna write a book, or a fake wrestling, or a Japanese Cartoon, or a movie...always remember when you're branching out your character devo-lopment maps to throw in some wild-ass 180s and 360s and some U-turns to keep everyone interested...you might as well make your characters eggs and God Uncles too.

Dang, Piccolo is cool.

Piccolo (left) with his nephew God (right)

Saturday, December 20, 2014

No, North Korea Did Not Hack into Sony.....

I'm not really understanding any media report I see on this nonsense, there's no facts ever mentioned as to how/what/why/when/how apparently North Korea hacked Sony. All the reports are making this into a big deal and when this movie is finally released it will get 100x more viewers than it would have had if this media fiasco not happened.

The following are things to know about all parties involved,

Sony

Sony gets hacked into ALL THE TIME. It's not a big deal when a company with security as shit as sony gets hacked into...it's actually a very mundane thing that surprisingly has happened many times before. Why all of a sudden is Sony getting hacked is a big deal? I have no clue. It's happened like twice before and no movies were ever cancelled.

1. In 2011, Sony Playstation Network was hacked and almost 100 million accounts were compromised (source)

2. Also in 2011, Sony Pictures was hacked into and data was breached (source)

I think maybe that dumb Sony just gets hacked into so much that they figured, "oh well, we suck at running a company, might as well make a marketing ploy out of it this time to save face and make some money off our stupid mistakes."


North Korea

North Korea in terms of GDP is 14 billion as a nation, placing it 121/194 in the global rankings. It's not doing very well. It only very recently got a 3G network (source) for the first time ever and in many respects it would be safe to describe North Korea as being a few decades behind the technological world. Ten years behind? Twenty? Thirty? Probably safe to say it's 30 years behind. It's 1984 over there, let's say. This is not a country anyone should be scared of.

Famines for example aren't things that many people in the developed world ever experience, but in the nineties and even into the millennium...North Korea lost half a million people to starvation (source). When I said this country isn't doing very well that was a bit of an understatement, it's doing terribly.

The saddest thing is their "leaders" in charge don't really care or even know how bad they are doing. They don't have elections, they have a dynasty dictatorship...and it is one of the weirdest dictatorships ever. The propaganda they run is downright the silliest shit you've ever seen.

For example here is a video shown in North Korea depicting the "third world United States" and how downright miserable it is there:



Hahahaha. It's a snow-eating famine over in America apparently. N. Korea does weird shit like this all the time, they apparently made the World Cup Final last time according to them. I seem to not remember seeing them in the World Cup Final last time (or ever)...probably because they suck at soccer. They tell their people shit like that all the time, flat out childish lies, it's retarded.

The propaganda level there is to an extreme where nothing they say is ever true. Even if North Korea says they are responsible for the Sony hack the chance of what they are saying being true is literally ZERO percent. It's as true as them making it to the World Cup Finals, it's just absurd retarded lies by a retarded government.

The chance the liars at the North Korean government are telling the truth in any situation is minimal to none. If the North Korean government is claiming to be behind the hack they are just bull shitting like these losers always do.

The Movie

Seth Rogan has made the same movie 1000 times now, no one likes them anymore. How many times can you watch a person who can't fucking act? Maybe it's fun the first few times seein' like a "regular Joe" on screen but by the umpteenth time who can possibly sit through it anymore? Who in their fucking right fucking mind would willingly go and watch a Seth Rogan movie? A fucking moron, that's who. How many times can you throw the same shit onto a plate and expect people to still eat it?

I have a feeling this movie was worse than usual...maybe even a fucking BOMB. A flop. A piece of fucking absolute garbage...the kind of garbage only a Seth Rogan could make. The kind of movie that would bore an audience to tears.

Hold the phone, it's not even coming out, it's being stopped by an evil mastermind who doesn't want this movie to see the light of day! Oh nooooooo! Woe is us, our freedom is being compromised by a country with a 14 billion dollar GDP and where almost a million people die of starvation in any given decade. You good boys and girls of movie-going land have to make a difference and DEMAND this shit movie come out and sit through it bored out of your mind not for yourself but FOR YOUR COUNTRY!

Yeah, right. Gimme a fucking break. Fuck you. I wouldn't watch this movie for all the limestone in North Korea. I wouldn't watch this movie in a million years.

This movie is getting free advertising in ALL media outlets in North America, Europe, and the World. According to data from "Theatrical Market Statistics" it costs an average of 40 million to market a movie. So that free advertising is worth about 40 million bucks...fuck, all you media companies reporting on this retarded story should be demanding to be payed by Sony for the ads you are all running for them. Fuck man, when this piece of crap film comes out, thanks to all this buzz, it's gonna make like 200 million fucking dollars when it should have made 20 million.

Also, like many other people have pointed out, this is not the first time a movie like this has happened. Team America depicted Kim Dong One as a childish alien cockroach for crying out loud and no one gave even one iota of care over that scene.



It was not a even a thing, not even a little thing.

I don't know, maybe it's only a big deal when not-funny people make fun of the Kim Dongs Ils, when the South Park dudes do it, I guess it's all chill.


The Hackers

The group who did the hack claim to be "the Guardians of Peace" and used a cute little red skeleton as their logo.

It looks like it was done by a thirteen year old kid for crying out loud. Ugggh, either that or a disgruntled ex-employee who had access to the server and got back at the company that downsized him by making a big mess on the old internets.

In different rounds of lay-offs in 2014 alone Sony has cut almost 5,000 jobs. That's 5,000 disgruntled employees this year ALONE. That's a pretty large candidate pool for a good old fashion revenge hack. This scenario sounds so much more likely to me than the North Koreans doing it...which to be honest, is fucking absurd.

This marks the 3rd time in like 4 years that Sony's been hacked, and the odds of it being a disgruntled employee or a 13 year old kid with too much time on his hands is far far more plausible.


Conclusion

This situation is totally absurd, it is a ridiculous marketing strategy by Sony to try and make themselves look better after their shit security has been hacked THREE TIMES in FOUR YEARS!

Every news outlet running free advertising for Sony should demand payment for the spots they are running for them. Why is every media outlet on earth giving this movie free advertising? If people have to pay 12 bucks for fucking popcorn at these fucking theaters the least you could do is not let these losers get free advertising for their fucking shit conveyor-belt movies.

Look, if this movie grosses 200 million when they finally release it (after they generate as much buzz around it as they deem fit)...then guess what? We're gonna get dozens and dozens more conveyor-belt Seth Boran movies. Dozens and dozens of unwatchable pieces of shit...and in the end, that's the real crime here.

That's the real crime.

Monday, December 15, 2014

An Open Letter Acting as an Official Nomination for the Following Party to be Awarded the Nobel Peace Prize Trophy

The following letter is an open style letter (meaning anyone can read it), it is submitted to the internet for all to see but is specifically directed at the attention of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee who accepts and reviews nominations for said prize.

The criterion for a human being to be allowed to nominate someone for review by the Nobel Committee is to meet one of the following requirements:


A)
Bein' a "member of national assembly and/or government of state"
B)
Bein' a "member of international court"
C) Bein' a "University rector; professor of social sciences, history, philosophy, law and theology; director of peace research institute and/or foreign policy institute"
D) Bein' a "Person who has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
E)
Bein' a "Board member of an organization that has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
F)
Bein' "Active and former members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee; (proposals by members of the Committee to be submitted no later than at the first meeting of the Committee after February 1)"
G) Bein' a "Former adviser to the Norwegian Nobel Committee

I meet the following requirement: B


In the month of July of 2012, I served on jury duty in the case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., thereby (be it bit but a brief moment) acting as a member of an "international court" and thus giving me access to nominate humans to be reviewed by the Nobel Committee in regards to said party being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

Okie Dokie?

Before penning my open letter to the Nobel Piece Prize Committee, we shall look at just what the heck the peace prize committee is and we shall also look at the man I wish to nominate. So this is gonna be a pretty clunky article smashed into three parts.

Nobel Peace Prize

A brief tl;dr summation of the history of the Nobel Peace Prize is as follows:

This guy invented dynamite and got very rich, but he hated money so much that he never spent any and as he lay on his death bed he proclaimed to the people watching him die,

"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first.
I left everything I own in Nobel Piece." -Nobel, A.(Dec.10/1886)
Millions of able bodied men and women searched Scandinavia for the fabled Nobel Piece. Naysayers thought they were just dreamers and n'er do well adventurers who were searching for something which didn't even exist....but it did. So, yeah. Yet, inside Alfred Nobel's buried treasure was simply a letter which stated,

"I, the undersigned, Alfred Bernhard Nobel, do hereby, after mature deliberation, declare the following to be my last Will and Testament with respect to such property as may be left by me at the time of my death:

...

[my] estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind." -Nobel, A
(source)

That's the jist of it.

Everyone knows about it but is it even that important? I mean Albert fuckin' Gore has one of these fuckin' Scandinavian trinkets so how important can it fucking be? Fuckin' Mikhail Gorbachev has one of these chachkies...what's up with that? One year the recipient was "The European Union" not even a human at all. How on earth could Albert Gore have been deserving of an award commemorating the "greatest benefit to mankind" during the 2007 season?

Look, to me it sounds like a stupid little thing but people around the earth take this thingy super cereal. So, as the power invested in me as a member of an "international court" during that one time I jury membered on Fields S. vs. Amsterdam, M. I hereby nominate to be the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Peace...

...The Iron Sheik.


Yeah!


Iron Sheik

A man who's name precedes him and needs no introduction of any kind. Everyone knows the Sheik, he's a living Legend, a living Champion, a living The Real. Like a Michael Jordan, or like a Muhammad Ali, he's a man who's kind is born only every five hundred years.

The Sheik's selfless acts of altruism make him the most deserving human being ever to awarded one of these Nobel Peace Prizes. Why? Firstly, some historically significant set-up is in order...

Back in the olden times, wrestling wasn't a monopoly, instead it operated in scattered factions who claimed "territories" under their respective promotional banners. There was Memphis Wrestling featuring Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman for example amongst many many other regions.

Eventually one regional promotion would grow so powerful that they monopolized wrestling promotion and that company was the WWF (now the WWE). How did they get so powerfully popular? So popular that they were able to unify the country under one single wrestling promotion? "Hulkamania" happened...




Hulk Hogan become such a phenomenon that other regional promotions couldn't compete with this ratings grabbing behemoth of a hollywood babyface superstar. Hulkamania conquered wrestling promotion for the WWE and discounting a brief challenge by Ted Turner in the 90s...it has remained that way since.

As everyone knows for every hero there must be a villain and Hulk Hogan's explosion into Hulkamania was heavily due to the Iron Sheik. The Sheik represented the evil foreigner who defeated the 60/70s America-Boy babyface Bob Backlund and was the most hated man in America while holding the title...and it was the hollywood blonde 80s baby-face Hulk Hogan who who took the belt back from the great Sheik which launched Hogan like offa spring board into Super Stardom.

Remember this is before the monopolization of wrestling promotion and other regions were jealous of this brazen Hulk Hogan who they viewed as a body builder who didn't know a thing about fake wrestling. Many don't know that the Iron Sheik had an offer on the table from Verne Gagne in Minnesota to literally break Hulk Hogans legs as the ultimate insult to this hollywood blonde body-building jabroni. In fact, Gagne offered the Sheik hundreds of thousands of real dollars to break his jabroni-ass legs.

Nobel Peace Prize? None more deserving than he.
What would you do in that situation? I bet many of you good boys and girls are thinking, "Oh, surely the angel known as me would not have broken Hulk Hogan's legs for I am a good person" but if you're thinking that's what you'd do if faced with a similar situation then you people are full of shit. The Iron Sheik is a shooter, man. He is a man who could break your back with one of his little pinky fingers. He could have "accidentally" snapped Hogan's legs like a twig, ruined Hogan's career, went back to Minnesota to collect hundreds of thousands of dollars...and in that moment...destroy Hulkamania forever and ever.

Under those circumstances, breaking Hulk Hogan's hollywood blonde jabroni legs was obviously the most beneficial choice for him. In the present we can look to the past and see that he did not chose to do what 99.9999% of us would have done in his shoes...no, no...he chose to spare Hulk Hogan's legs and lose the fake wrestling match like he was paid to do. Why? Because he's a man of his word, he would never double cross anyone...he has a heart of the purest of gold.

With the act of choosing not to smash Hulk Hogan's leg bones into millions and millions of pieces, the Iron Sheik displayed a level of humanitarian kindness and goodwill that I believe blows all other acts of humanitarian kindness out of the water. If you could condense kindness into some sort of sap-like substance (you know like maple sap in maple trees) I bet the Iron Sheik's heart would be figuratively oozing with Kindness Sap. It's unreal how he put others before himself in that situation, and for that I believe there has never been a human more deserving of a Swedish award that commemorates goodwill.


The Official Letter

The following is a transcript of the notarized letter sent to the Nobel Peace Prize Committee by yours truly,

"The Norwegian Nobel Committee
Henrik Ibsens gate 51
0255 Oslo, NORWAY

Dear Noble Peace Prize Committee, 
Attn: Peace Division

I hereby, under the authority of acting on the jury of the legendary case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., and thereby a member of an "international court" (i.e. a court in a nation somewhere on earth at any given time), nominate one Khosrow Vaziri AKA "The Iron Sheik" to be this or next year's Noble Peace Prize recipient.

I nominate him under the merits of that time back in 1984 that, under the guidance of his heart made of gold-like sap, he refrained from breaking one Terry Gene Bollea AKA "Hulk Hogan's" fucking legs at the Madison Square Garden in front of like a hundred thousand people.

This act of humanitarian courage should heretofore be recognized by your organization, the King of Sweden and/or the King of Norway and/or the King of Finland, and/or the Bernadotte dynast-kings of yesteryear (retro-active). If you leave this man's merits unrecognized you risk a great deal of international shame to your organization as many will question if you know what the heck you guys are doing over there.

Truthfully Yours, 
Deric W. Brazill (md) 

I threw an "md" on that shit at the end to make it look like I got some smarts, you know? I'm not really one of those.

Anyway, hopefully the Sheik gets a Nobel prize this year or next because he's obviously super-deserving of one of those things.



(End Note: This letta is OFFICIAL meaning if they fail to respond to an OFFICIAL letter then they are proclaiming to the world that they a bunch of friggin' jabronies those Scandinavians.)

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Canadian Election Human Value Rankings!!!

Hey world, did you know Canada is having an election in 2015? Yeah, they are, exciting eh? We get to vote for our "prime minister" whatever the fuck that is.

This topic was one of the first articles I ever did for last election back like four non-score years ago, you can read that one if you want, but my writing style and comedic tact was a little worse for wear back in the day (I think I only got good at this bloggin shit sometime around 2012-ish):

Previous Canada Election Article: Here

I like that I worked in Fergie Jenkins at the end there in that one, that was pretty cool. He's a hall of fame pitcher, that guy.

Anyways, let's explain how this election system works first before we get into the human value rankings.

Canadian Elections

It's not a popular vote poll, it's based on "seats" in "parliament". A seat is just a regional area, there's 310 or so seats that they fight over and the party with the most seats wins! Yay.

There are not two but five parties who get "seats" in our elections. The current polls (with the amount of seatz being set to a round number like 100) are as follows:

Liberals (Left-Center Field): 41 Seatz
Conservatives (Right Center Field): 32 Seatz
Democratic Party (Left Center Field): 17 Seatz
Green Party (Left Field): 5 Seatz
French Separatists (?????????): 5 Seatz

Even though I don't really care for putting political views on a line, I have denoted the leftness or rightness of the party because they do advertise themselves to the public along this silly line. You'll be quick to note that unlike the USA who has two parties (the left-center field party and the right-center field party)...Canada has a whopping 3 left leaning parties and 1 right leaning party.

If it was like the states and it was 1 left-center party versus 1 right center party...the results would be:

Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 63 Seatz
Right Center Party: 32 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

It would be a blowout win, but that's not what's gonna happen as the Left Center parties are split into three factions who argue over votes with each other and thus the Liberals and Conservatives are neck-and-neck in the polls.


Human Rankings

Ew.
1. Stevie Harper

Evangelical Christian who hates science and is suspected of being mentally handicapped so you're supposed to give him leeway and be nice to him. It's annoying. He's been in power for almost 9 years now and if he wins again he's gonna get double digits.

I firmly respect the USA and their laws on term limits, which Banana-Republic Canada simply does not have, we've actually had prime ministers in power for over 20 years back in day.

To me, no one should be in power of a country for over 10 years, so I don't believe anyone should vote for this person again for that reason alone. Ten years is the "dictator" barrier that once you cross that line you can longer be referred to as an "elected official" yet must be denoted as a "dictator." It's true, I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

Overall Ranking: -100 / 10


2. Trudeau Jr.

Put yer fuckin' shirt on, Bieber.
Some little punk who's never worked a real job in his life who was hired to be the Face of the Liberal Party....an unbelievably boring dork. Like the Bush family, he feels since his daddy was Prime Minister then he should be too.

He's killing the women vote though, holy fuck, women want to suck this kid's balls right off, they love him so much. He is literally the Justin Bieber of politics, the Liberal party should of just signed Bieber if they wanted to monopolize the lady vote any further.

His parents are famous international jet-setters who had threesomes with celebs all the world so the name "Trudeau" is quite famous. Here's masterful interviewer Bill Boggs interviewing his Mom about her friendship with Fidel Castro and how important she feels she is:



Bill Boggs

His family is like a big deal in Canada, they are certified celebrities and this and that...so he's a good face for the Liberal Party, no doubt.

Obviously, as a 30 year old male human, I don't fall into the Bieber demographic and thus will not be voting for him.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


3. Beard Man

A bearded man.
I don't know what the point of Beard Man is, this guy's only job is to split the vote of the left center party so the Harper team wins again, for all I know Beard Man and Harper are in fucking cahoots. If they split the vote well enough the Harper Team will win again...so to me I seriously have to question if Beard Man is a real candidate or just a plant for the Harper team.

I don't really know anything about him other than that he has a beard....so nothing good and nothing bad...which for politics isn't such a bad thing. He's just a bearded man...no more and no less. Very bland shtick, wow.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


4. Green Party

Hasn't got off the ground yet, mainly acting to further split the left-center party.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


5. French Separatists

Who knows, who cares.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


Assessment

Liberals/Green/Demo/Separatists: -80
Conservatives: -100

The conservatives are the worst party by a full 20 points and it is in my opinion that NO ONE should vote for them in the next election.

I know this is a very basic look at Canada's Leck Shuns but it's the only things you need to know about it...it's not entertaining like other countries' elections where you can write interesting shit about it. It's two old white men and one somewhat young-ish white man fooling around up here...it's immensely boring.

Get some fucking chix in there, or some black guys, maybe a native, maybe an asian. Mix it up, fuck, gimme a break...this shit is soooooo lame. It always has to be boring-as-fuck white dudes who run, never anyone cool.

The only thing that can save another boring-ass Leck Shun is if that fat ol' crack smoking Rob Ford gets off his lazy ass and makes a run for the Prime Ministership.

"Prime Minister Rob Ford", has a good ring to it. Come on Rob, you know you wanna be Prime Minister, bro...get off your ass, stop smokin' crack and throw your hat in the race, man.

Come on...RUN!
I would predict a Rob Ford election would maximize voter turnout, increase world wide press, and I believe the end results would be the following:


Ford Nay-Shun United Co-A-Lishin' of Crack-Heads: 50 Seatz
Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 32 Seatz
Right Center Party: 13 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

A landslide win for Rob Ford.

Monday, December 1, 2014

On Park Factors and the Hinderance to Larry Walker's Hall of Fame Bid

Hall of Fame votin' season is getting into full swing, I did my annual Timmy "Rock" Raines for Hall of Fame article early this here,

Read that one: Here

Today we'll be looking at a player with a career .965 OPS (on base + slugging), which is unusually high, yet who's hall of fame bid is not garnering much support. This man is Larry Walker who was born in Maple Ridge British Colombia.

The reason for him not garnering a ground-swell of support hinges on the fact that he racked up insane numbers in a hitter's park...in fact the park which greatest favored hitters over pitchers of any park ever.

Park Factors

Park factors is a fairly new way of looking and interpreting baseball statistics. It is quite simple, it boils down to, some stadiums favor hitters and other stadiums favor pitchers. Many factors are at play some examples are the following:

1. How close are the outfield walls? If the corner of the outfields are 350 feet instead of 355 feet...it might sound like no big deal but that five feet means many a ball that would be home runs in the 350 park will be outs in the 355 park.

2. How big is the foul area? Some parks have huge in-play foul territories and some parks have very small foul territories. If a guy pops up to the third base side and it sails into the crowd...it becomes a souvenir for a fan rather than in the third baseman's glove and the third out of the inning. Large foul territories favor pitchers.

3. Is the infield grass or turf? A grass infield will slow the ball down and a sharp hit grounder will die out and be fielded by the infielder...while in a carpet park with turf many of these hard hit balls hit the hard ground surface, don't slow down, and wind up past the infielder and into the outfield for a hit.

Walker, in a rare right-handed at-bat
Those are examples of how a park could favor hitters or pitchers. In the case of Larry Walker a very new park factor came into play with the expansion Colorado team in 1993. It took a while to figure out why everyone on that team was hitting close to .400 and hitting 40 homers a year...but it was physicists who figured out as to why the hitters were getting such an undocumented boost and pitchers' ERAs were getting into the fives and sixes.

Scientists pointed out that the altitude of the stadium, which is a full mile above sea level, or around 1600 meters above sea level was making the air in the stadium less dense. Mountain climbers might be familiar with the gasping for air as they get higher and higher up a mountain, and this is the same case here. The air is simply not as thick when you're that high above sea-level.

Now, pitchers throw balls usually between 85-100 miles per hour and hitters nail these pitches with bat speeds coming through their centers of gravity at about 100 miles an hour...meaning when these two forces collide the ball off the bat will go quite far quite fast. If the air is thinner, the resistance of the air molecules that the traveling ball is meeting isn't posing much of a resistance at all. Not only that, but many breaking pitches need to push off dense air molecules to complete their breaks and if the air is too thin then, for example a curve-ball, will not break/move/drop on the hitter because it has nothing to break against.

Colorado has tried to curb the exaggerated effects of the boost to hitters over the years and the effects are not as exaggerated as they used to be (but it still is a VERY hitter friendly park). They now store the baseballs used in the games in a big humidor to make the balls more moisture-logged so they don't rip through the air as easily. Unfortunately, the era of 1993 to 2002 in Colorado and hitters hitting there have the stigma of "Mile-High Effect" on their stats, and Walker was a Colorado Rockie from 1995 to 2004, therefore, getting a good eight full season of the Mile-High boost.

Hall of Fame voters now don't know what the hell to do, no one knows what his numbers would have been without the boost and it seems for the most part they are all just not voting for him at all. It's unfortunate because chances are without the boost he may very well would have had a hall of fame career regardless.

Another Player who Benefited from Park Effects

Teams used to design their damned parks after their star players. If a big left handed hitter was their star player than possibly one year the right field wall would have "accidentally" been brought closer by about 20 feet. I read in Bill Veeck's book that, well he claims that, he installed an electric fence which went in closer while his team batted, and then at the push of a button, went out really far when the opposing team batted. There is no evidence of this ever happening and is accepted by historians as being a flat-out lie told by Veeck as more of a parlor jest than anything else.

Aided by Park Effects?
I don't want to cut into legends, everyone loves Babe Ruth, and his name has grown to be bigger than life itself...yet in defense of Larry Walker, I think we'll have to cut into the Babe a bit and detail just how easy it was for him to hit homers.

There's parks now and over the years where it is 345 to the corner outfields, some stand at 340...and then there's some where it is literally just above 300 feet. It is the older ball parks where this is the case, most people have seen the green monster in Boston which looks like a little league park it is so close to the hitter but at least they raised the wall to tower up and keep line drives from becoming homers. Yankee Stadium in Ruth's era had a right field wall which was 314 feet away and wasn't an over-exaggerated tower of a wall like in Boston....just a regular wall 314 feet away. That's it.

Ruth was a pull hitter who pulled the ball to right field, and at 314 feet away, guess what? Fat Boy logged a lot of fucking homeruns. Is it just me or does logging 714 homers while your home park custom built you a wall 314 feet away seem kind of cheap? No offense, I know the Babe is a legend, but F that cheap tailor made field for him, man. Revive this guy with some voodoo, put Babe Ruth in SafeCo Field down in Seattle as his home park, and watch this "legend" hit .275 with 22 homers next year.

That kid Kyle Seager who hit 16 homers at SafeCo last year should be pretty proud of himself. That's not an easy park to drop bombs in.

A lot of the old legends got the benefit of playing around in home parks where they were literally little league dimension fields. Home or away, they got to fool around in tiny little parks.

Conclusion

Did Larry Walker get his stats monstrously inflated from Coors Field? Yes, yes he did.


Those are his stats from the 1998 season for example, hitting .418 with 17 homers at home but only .302 with 6 homers on the road. That is highly irregular and not normal. To get a good idea what his stats would have been sans-Coors, someone should look at his career Away OPS, and see if it is still good. If his career Away OPS is still over 900 then I think he should be a shoe in Hall of Famer.

According to the data his career OPS on the road is .865...which is still very very good and possibly good enough for the Hall of Fame.

The thing is, the Hall of Fame is filled with players who's park effects weren't analyzed even a little bit. Should Walker get sort of a "grandfather clause" bypass because Coors Field was basically the field which made park factors such a well-studied phenomena? If Babe and all these other guys got their park factors thrown out the window then maybe Walker should too. He has the negative stigma of playing in the park which literally lead to such an interest in park factors...which is a huge stumbling block to his candidacy.

It's hard for anyone to imagine what his numbers would have been if they weren't altitude inflated...I'm not sure that is a license for all BBWAA writers to just toss his case out the window though. All in all, the design flaw of Coors field may keep him out of the hall of fame.

For what it is worth, I 100% fully believe, that if you took the 1920s Babe Ruth, you somehow cloned him or revived him with some hypothetical elixir, and stuck him a Mariners uniform (or a Padres uniform where it's 402 to right-center) for the 2015 season...1920s Babe Ruth would struggle to even hit .280 and not even make it to 30 homers in a full season. I truly believe that.