Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Fan of Zombies and Esther Jungreis
Super fucking famous movie director Christian Kole is making a second attempt at a Zomb-a-Movie, after having somewhat internet success with "28 Terms Later" (available here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcCzRWbNBWI).

Fresh out of the prestigious Las Vegas Film School of Movie Arts, Kole has his sites set on making his second zombie movie a littler raunchier, and way more disgusting. His previous passion of documenting the mentally crooked and deranged members of society in their natural habitats (as seen here as they eat pizza and listen to some Etta James) should give him the edge and necessary experience to take on such a difficult film making endeavor.

The first draft of the script seems very well written
Back in Montreal after a long haitus in the wastelands of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Kole is excited about his project and hopes it turns out quite good.

Monday, March 28, 2011

On Human Oddities (as such)...

Olden Times
There are two polarized views on human oddities, one side thinking that putting these people on a pedestal for all to see is demeaning and horrible, while the other side thinks putting these people on a pedestal is simply celebrating their uniqueness and individuality.

The advanced political correctness of modern times has deemed this as demeaning and eliminated the "Freak Shows" of yesteryear for the most part. The most popular circus, Cirque de Soleil, does not even have one human oddity on its roster of performers. That brings up a very obvious counter argument right there... where do these folks work now? Most of these folks in question's handicaps make it difficult for them to find gainful employment, and unless they were born into a rich family and able to secure a large inheritence then chances are most of today's human oddities only income is through their respective government's relief programs.

I think they represent a very important cog in the human machine, I believe their personal oddities are actually the height of individuality and should indeed be celebrated. In the back of all our minds we can probably picture a world where everyone is the exactly the same and it's actually scary. A world where everyone looks the same, acts the same, walks the same, talks the same, and behaves the same. The pros of a world such as this would be many obviously, we'd get a lot more stuff done and more efficiently if we were all on the same page I guess, but wouldn't it be fantastically fucking boring though? Can a frightening society as this ever really exist? Can the great big combine harvester of human conformity really meld us into being one and the same? Or are there people who exist out there who are so different that conforming them would be a physical impossibility? Human oddities are indeed those people and they represent the burden of proof that hopefully a society of fully conformed humans will never ever be able to exist.

We've tried over and over to rid the world of these human oddities, most people are aware that Nazi Germany was big on this...they rounded up many people and had them weeded out of the human gene pool with hopes of "improving" it. Most probably don't know that every nation has had it's turn attempting to kill off these offshoots of humanity. Winston Churchill's Britain had tens of thousands of oddities and mentally handicapped individuals sterilized or lobotomized. In Canada, each province had mass sterilizations, the Alberta Eugenics Board was the most fervent in it's attempt to weed out these people (see wiki: Alberta Eugenics and google Canadian eugenics for other data).

Get away from Hans you lascivious howler you!
A great 1932 film entitled "Freaks" (available for viewing here: I mean here) made in the height of the eugenics fervor attempted to show that they were in fact humans with personalities and emotions of their own. It details the plight of a German dwarf named Hans who is in the process of being duped out of his family fortune by a beautiful acrobat, yet before she has the chance to poison poor lil' Hans and kill him, Hans' Freak brethren and sistren corner her on a stage cart and horribly mutilate her...turning her into something she reviled most...a freak herself. It should've been called "Revenge of the Freaks" or "Take that Eugenics" in my opinion, but it is a really good movie nonetheless and it has that Indian parapalegic guy in it too.

Modern times

One of the main reasons I love the Howard Stern show so much is their attitude towards the human oddity, they take the latter stance and celebrate these individuals and make them incredibly famous and rich. They love the individuality of oddballs, whackjobs, the criminily insane (see: Elegant Elliot Offen), and for and foremost phyisical human oddities. You've had your dwarfs over the years such as Kessler, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, that little shitball Eric the Midget, but one stands head and shoulder above the rest...the great Beetlejuice.

Lester "Beetajuice" Green (background peice) is a microcephalic dwarf who may be the most iconic and beloved human oddity in history and with very good reason. Microcephalic basically means that he has a very tiny misshapen skull.

They're Children!
Three microcephalic dwarf girls appear in the 1932 film "Freaks" as well, they are actually in two of the most poignant scenes of the film. In the first scene we see them, they are running around and playing and laughing and singing outside when two men happen upon them and start telling them that they are "monsters!", their teacher responds by yelling back that they are simply "children!" In the second scene the strong man of the circus is telling one of the girls that he is going to Paris on a trip and that he's going to bring her back a present, and while she's all smiles he follows up with "...yeah! a big old hat! hahahaha!" He makes you want to jump in the screen and beat the shit out of him.

They tried to stop people like this from existing for so long and fervently, yet over seventy years later there are still microcephalic dwarfs and they are living life large. I'm kind of an opponent of organized religion yet I like seeing Jewish people being Jewish because I know from reading history that a powerful group of horrible Nazis tried to kill every Jewish person just for being Jewish and thusly when you see a Jewish person proudly being Jewish it represents a testament to the determination and perseverance of the human race. Similarly, after all the sterilizations and lobotomies and attempts to weed out microcephalics from the gene pool, it is very uplifting to know that there is still at least one out there and he is living life as large as can.

Is Beetlejuice that cog mentioned before in the human machine that is impossible by any means to conform? No matter how hard any person, combinations of persons, or streamlined collective subconscious rule system tries...people like him can never be successfully conformed. Does he represent a golden ray of hope that a totally homogenized society can never truly exist?

Is Beetle the best? Yup, and he knows it too...

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Looking into Google Adsense for a day now the ironic thing about it seems that the best way to make money with Google Adsense is to write a blog about Google Adsense.

The statistics they record for you are "unique page impressions" which means your site's traffic, "clicks" which means how many times people have clicked on the ads on your site, and your "effective CPM" which is described as follows...

"Effective CPM doesn't represent how much you have actually earned -- rather, it's calculated by dividing your estimated earnings by the number of page impressions, then multiplying by 1000. For example, if you earned an estimated $0.15 from 25 page impressions, then your page eCPM would equal ($0.15 / 25) * 1000, or $6.00. If you earned an estimated $180 from 45,000 ad impressions, your ad eCPM would equal ($180 / 45,000) * 1000, or $4.00."

That shit's intense!
All this being said, you get the most money from when people click on the stupid ads. In all seriousness have you ever clicked on an internet ad. Me? I remember when they made those game ones a few years ago where a target would move over O.J. Simpson's head and when you clicked it you got whisked away somewhere but other than that I've NEVER clicked on an internet ad. The only time that they get me to click on them now is when your held at gun point to do so, like say you wanted to get that great game Photoboy for the TurboGrafx 16, the ROM dealers will make you fill out 6 surveys and click on 5 ads before you can navigate your way out of the maze and they allow you to get to the download link.

Now that being said, who aaaaaaare these people who are clicking on internet ads? It's those people who go into the google and search for things like..."how to make money online," "make money from home," "how do I get the free monies?"....those are the ONLY people on earth who click ads. Guess what? Each ad niche on Adsense is given a price multiplier as well, for instance ads about food give you X monies per click and ads about music give you Y amount of money per click, and what are the ads that net you by far the most internet money per click? Ads about making money online! It's a cycle of ironic stupidity.
Hey Guy! Click the Target and Get all Rich!

You then throw your RSS feed on StumbleUpon, Tehcnocrati, Digg, and other venues and tag your blog with labels about making some money...and low and behold you are gonna get the hits and nothing but the hits.

If I continue updating this blog, I guarantee you the only blog update that ever has a good chance of raking in any good amount of free internet money is this scam one you are reading right now.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Dear Carl Sagan who art in somewheres...

Dear Mr. Sagan,

In your book Demon Haunted World on page number 26, you cite the popularity of Beavis and Butthead as a sign of the decline of intelligence in civilization. I feel that this point is mistaken.

The creator of Beavis and Butthead, Mr. Mike Judge, was a man of scientific intellect. He worked as an engineer previous to creating cartoons for the masses. Judge's "Beavis and Butthead" is in much the same vein as your book Demon Haunted World.

Your book is in essence a social critique of the decline of intelligence of our times, and more so a request for people to practice skepticism and foremost critical thinking. Similarly, "Beavis and Butthead" is also a social critique on the decline of national intelligence. As for promoting critical thinking? Beavis and Butthead's harsh critique of the music industry's chaff garbage forced upon the youth of the era gave the teens who watched it at that time an inherent Bullshit Detector. Anything that was fake or pretentious was automatically tossed aside and labeled as "sucks" on the program and similarly the teens of the era took a critical way of thinking to the entertainment media they observed.

Wherever you are in the universe, whether you are star stuff or whatever...please don't hate on Beavis and Butthead bro.

(Sources: Sagan, C. Demon Haunted World, p.26)


"If I were a little weaker, I may have died more easily.."

true brother, true.

Rock and Roll concerts I saw one time...

 George Clinton (once)
    A group of aged men and women came on the stage, none of whom I identified as being George Clinton, they dwelved deep down into the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk so help us god. They burst through the funk-o-liciousness of the P-Funk and the full bodiment of the funkoplasm covered the room up good. Then they gave a toast to their dead friend who apparently wore a diaper and nothing else during performances...

...then they introduced the legend himself, the King of Funk, George Clinton. He was dressed modestly and not overly funky. He looked like an aging funk hermit...who came out of his eternal funk cave resting place for one final funk explosion.

He had difficulty remembering words and timings. He looked out of shape yet this 70 year old man exuded more funky particles and funk-o-lectrons then anyone else. When he began his Maggot Brain opening statement before Mr. Hampton took over for a 10 minute guitar solo I began feeling emotional. I really like that little poem at the start of Maggot Brain and seeing him say it a directly in front of me was actually kind of emotional for me. I felt real raw dirty funk...

Trivial memories:

-a couple hot chicks danced with me briefly and gave me a resounding high five.

-George Clinton saw the waiter going through the crowd with a tray of beers and called for his attention, the whole crowd gestured for the waiter to take notice and he turned and handed Clinton a beer and then everyone cheered.

Oliver Mtukudzi and friends (once)
Oliver Mtukudzi in concert was a very enjoyable experience.

He played with Habib Koité, Afel Bocoum, and 6 Mali players. It was very good, they were in unison and played together, danced together and sang together. They are funny too, they introduced the next song always with a interjection of comedy or an anecdote.

They had some instruments I've never seen before like the balafons and the drummer had an extra piece on his drum set which was this wooden globe. Some of the guitars were ones I've never seen before or know the name of and they sounded really good.

Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medecine (once)

Biafra had not appeared in Montreal since 1986 with the Dead Kennedys. When I was 18 I bought a Dead Kennedys t shirt and wore it around a lot, I stopped wearing it when some people at John Abbott mistook the symbol for being something skin head related but of course it represented something very opposite of that mentality. I dug it out of my garage and put it on under a sweater before going to the carpet store I worked at during that time. When I got out of work and went to the concert I threw my sweater on some table and bought beer and moshed with crazy kids to Let's Lynch the Landlord, California Uber Alles, Holiday in Cambodia, Come on Bleed, and Police Truck.

During Police Truck the aged and very sweaty Biafra jumped off stage and right into me while we were moshing around....that was kind of memorable I must say.

D.O.A. (numerous times)
The best time I saw D.O.A. was thanksgiving day of 2010. I showed up late and tickets were sold out and they wouldn't let me bribe my way in or sneak in. When all hope was about lost and I was ready to pack up and go home Joey Shithead checked in the bar and I started talking to him. Many words later, we agreed that if I bought him one beer upstairs he'd put me on his guestlist and get me upstairs...

"Yo one more for Guestlist...."

Upstairs I bought Shithead a pint of beer and asked him about his recent travels to China. When they went on stage I went to the front...there were two Qubecois metal acts that opened and the crowd was very very rowdy that night. One kid that I was talking to before got up on stage and jumped off i caught and propelled him into the crowd and it was cool. I became the designated lifter to get people crowd surfing after that as everyone wanted to do it after they saw one monkey do it. I launched like 40 people into the air that night and it was really fucking fun.

This one chick was being moshed with inappropriately by a male and she started punching him right in the face. I like when chicks are cool like that.

The Residents (once)

The Residents are fucking weird but there's some deep raw honesty about their lyrics, and fantastic absurdity and originality to their shtick, that I just can't get enough of these effing mystery men.

There were these two crack heads who were smoking crack pipes right in front of me and they smelled like urine. I don't know how they managed to get in but at the time they were really annoying and if you watch any youtube vids from this concert you can hear them yelling at innoppurtune times through the whole song. Now their smell and annoying behaviour just helps me remember the concert very clearly so I guess I have to thank them.

The lead Resident's voice is so unique and odd that I want to absorb some of it into the way I talk and his mannerisms are cool too.

Devo (once)

Devo's shtick is pretty original as well, they are dudes from the future who are coming back to our time to tell us to be smarter and cooler in our day-to-day lives. Their show had a big screen backdrop that had video to accompany the performance, at one point the electricity gave out and the screen died but they kept going with flashlights because they are pretty good people. I danced with a young lady and we sang "Mongoloid" together and everyone had a great time as such.

The one knock on these guys is that they were hawking their "energy dome" chachkies for 30 bucks a pop, that's 30 bucks for a plastic hat. Mark Mothersbaugh was throwing them into the crowd for free though after as well as towels, and then it got sorta tongue in cheek and he started throwing towels that he wiped his butt with (over his pants though no worries) and then the dude that sings "Secret Agent Man" was throwing the dilapidated duct tape that held his mic to his mic stick into the throng of screaming Devo devotees who wanted souvenirs.


Hanson Brothers (coupla times)

In 2001 I went to my first real punk rock show and it was the best. Everyone was throwing beer EVERYWHERE, people were jumping off the top deck into the mosh pit, one jumper left in a stretcher...it was nuts.

I knew every word to all their god damn silly songs too. I left a man after the show hanging on a high five cause I was tired and not really thinking about high fives in those days...I vowed never to leave a brother hanging ever again at that moment and have never done so since.

We're Bad! So Baaaaaaaaad! We're Bad! I believe this in my HEART and I believe this in my Soul but we will never live long enough to kno-ow! Cause We're Bad!



"My trots dictated that something like that might happen," he said.

-Jefferey "Penitentiary Face" Leonard.

Radio transmission 7

Billy Space

Not just in Montreal baseball history...Bill Lee is possibly the most eccentric dude maybe in baseball history. You gotta factor in guys like Dock Ellis, and Dick Allen maybe...but Space is the cookiest fellow probably in the history of major league baseball. I heard Woody Harrelson that dude from Cheers was trying to a sell a script to hollywood to star in a Bill Lee movie...so maybe might even happen.

We talked Cromartie last week and how he was the in my opinion the heart of those old teams. There was a few guys like that, not necessarily the highest echelon of talent but real gamers and Rudy types you know? Gamer type guys, good clubhouse type guys on those Dick Williams era teams. All these guys got pushed out when Fanning took over for Dick Williams in 81. 

Me and the Space ridin' in a benzo (minus the benzo)
To name a few of these guys: you had Cro, Bill Lee, The "Cool Breeze" Rodney Scott, and Jerry White. These were not the main components of those winning teams of that era but they are still key components. Bill Lee referred to Cromartie as "The moderator of the conclave." or the team leader in regular speak.

A domino effect took all these guys off the team by the end of 1983. When Williams quit the new guy who took over as interim manager was Fanning and then the next year it was Bill Virdon. When a new guy comes in they want to make everything in their opinion and their image like they're some kind of deity of the team...and what they did was literally dismantle a winning team. They destroyed Dick William's winning Expos and made a new inferior unit. Jerry White (who had some epic hits in the  81 playoffs) was sent packing and they called up Ken Macha, Cro was platooned with a jabroni by the name of Jim Wohlford. Rodney "Cool Breeze" was flat out released, they just bought out his contract and sent him packing. Now this where Spaceman comes in...now he doesn't get released...he notices they are effectuating this ridiculous dismemberment of the Expos and he just stops showing up, he flat out walks off the team in protest in 1982. Here's a quote from his book after he finds out the Breeze got his pink slip that is pretty good...

"I wrote Fanning a message which read, 'I'm going to Brasserie 77, if you want me come and get me.' I ripped my game uniform right down the middle, went to Brasserie 77 and draped little Quebec flags around a picture of Rodney Scott. The customers loved it."

The next week, he got a call from Chief Frosty Deer to play in the Kanawake Softball League and signed on with them to finish the 82 season.

He was blackballed from baseball after that.

on Mackandal and Anon

Mackandal: the original anon?

In the mid 20th century the slaves of Haiti rebelled against the French colonists and Napoleon Bonaparte. Many figures and heroes stand out (Boukman, Oge, etc.) yet one of the biggest factors which lead to the successful slave revolt was the FEAR the colonists had of a man named Mackandal.

He was a living legend and no one knew if he was real or not...yet they knew they were terrified of him.

He poisoned many slave holders and killed 100's of corrupt government leaders even after he supposedly died, everytime a slave owner was poisoned people were scared that Mackandal was back again FROM THE DEAD WOOOOOOOOO.

The fear of the slave owners and colonists of Mackandal (not knowing anything about him and whether he even exists, and how many cool voodoo powers he has or not) is similar to how the media views anonymous.

It's mainly just a group of morons who post shitty pictures on the intertube...but to the media it's a horrible force that they are scared of....a modern day Mackandal.

Radio transmission 6


Friday, September the 17th 1993, almost 50,000 people there that night, Phillies get 7 runs in the sixth innings and we're down 7 to 3. The Expos inch back and tie it up again in the bottom of the seventh culminating with a two run double by a young rookie name Curtis Pride. The kid's first hit ever and it's maybe the biggest hit in Expos history in the last 20 years. This guy by the way was a deaf guy, you can't even make this up man. A deaf guy name PRIDE (of all things) being the hero in front of 50,000 fans. He said he couldn't hear the ovation but could feel the vibrations and reverberations of the 50,000 people showing their appreciation. We made a deaf guy hear! You can't make this stuff up, even for like a cheesy/corny TV movie or something no one would believe it...but this is a 100% authentic factual information!

I was 10 years old, I was cheering and clapping so much for him I lost my voice and my hands were red! It was great dude.

Jackie Robinson

I remember being at school and having to write an essay on the American civil rights movement and wrote my essay on Jackie Robinson instead of Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. I got a very poor mark, like a D I think. The teacher said he was not that important a figure in the civil rights movement. I think in his nerdiness he was too far removed from the importance athletics has on a nation. In Malcolm X's book he states that the thing that got him through his prison time was calculating Jackie's batting average on the walls of his cell each day. I don't know why I find this whole situation of Jackie Robinson and baseball's color barrier to be fascinating beyond belief but the fact that the people of my home city have a role to play in this story makes it even more interesting still.

On Malcolm X's stone wall in his jail cell he'd chalk up the stats...one day Jackie may have went 1 for 4, and he chalked up .250, the next game Jackie may have gone 2 for 5 and X scrawled it out and changed the running tally to .333, and so on as the days and games progressed. Why was it so important what Jackie Robinson's batting average was?

Let's put this into the context of the era, in this time pseudo-scientific notions of eugenics (google it) plagued the minds of all nations of the globe. Eugenics made race into a backward science and made an arbitrary hierarchy of who was better than who by what they looked like. For example German eugenics purported that Jews were inferior and exterminated them. American eugenics held that people of darker skin tones were not as intelligent, physically capable, and advanced as those with light skin tones. Sadly, most people thought this way in that time. The U.S. Government set up laws (called Jim Crow laws) outlawing people with darker skin tones from advancing in society, and even weirder crazier things like not using the same fountain as light skinned people. This mental narrow mindedness was even in the heads of the law makers of the country. Obviously this is a problem to say the least, having heads of state who govern in this fashion is unspeakably dangerous.

Luckily science is dogged at all times by a great little thing called proof. Science is also dogged by a great little thing called mathematics. What if on a mass scale with everyone watching, eugenics was put to the test? That is exactly what happened in 1947. America's past time is baseball and the invention of radio and television meant everyone in the nation could listen or watch the test in progress. Jackie was given the chance to display his abilities by Branch Rickey of the Brooklyn Dodgers and he could single handedly destroy a backward mindset of entire nation if he succeeded.

Let's say Jackie hit .197 and made 10 errors in his first 20 games and was sent down to the minors and never came back. This was a totally possible thing that could have happened in the test. Sadly, this result would have set the civil rights movement back a few decades. The millions of Americans watching this would have had used this data to further convince themselves that eugenics was correct.

Fortunately this was not the case. Jackie Robinson hit .297, with 125 runs scored and lead the leauge in stolen bases in his rookie season of 1947. Two seasons later in 1949 he led the league with a .342 batting average and was awarded the MVP that season. He was the most valuable player to his team and everyone knew it...there was no denying that Jackie was the most valuable human in baseball in 1949, and that is a huge blow to American eugenics and probably convinced millions of narrow minded fellows and ladies that the way they thought was wrong. Jackie through a series of events was given the burden of disproving American eugenics and despite all the death threats, hardships, violence from opposing players...despite everything being stacked against him he managed to gloriously succeed.

I think everyone knows that Jackie was a Montreal Royal (Brooklyn IL league farm club) in 1946 prior to his tenure with the Dodgers. Jackie hit .349 that season and won us the championship. The Montreal fans embraced him and loved him and that makes me proud to tell people that I was born here. When baseball universally retired his number 24 on all teams I went to Olympic Stadium the night Rachel Robinson was there on behalf of her deceased husband and she thanked Montreal on behalf of her husband and it really made me feel connected personally to one of the most significant events in the history of North America and the world.

Written by Deric Brazill

for radio transmission 5

Gotta keep expos on the minds of the sports fans.

I think this era that we are currently living in (2010 and beyond) is a crucial moment in the future of baseball in Montreal. I mean major league baseball has been gone for over 5 years now, there's sports fans coming up who have no idea that the Expos even existed you know? All the new kids these days, they don't know about it.

I think what should be done now is keep interest in the Expos alive, on the minds of this generation and following ones so that at some point....when the montreal economy gets better or some big Rich Guy with a lot of dough like Bronfman comes on the scene again at point in the next 25 years or whatever...the memory and the interest in the entity that was the Expos is still on people's minds, and the want or need to have the team return is still there in generations to come.

So I mean you gotta keep talkin' Expos even though there gone, cause if no one talks about it no one in the next generations will care at all. They'll care about soccer these kids, with the running, or the UFC with all the punching and mongoloid brutality. the great experience of baseball will be lost, the intricate tactical underpinning and grace of a game like baseball will be dissolved from the montreal sports atmosphere.

What I think should be done now by those who lived in the Expos era...is even exagerate the history into legend, to keep the spirit alive. When I tell kids about Timmy Raines, I talk about him like he was larger than life you know. Make them really want Major League Baseball here again. When I tell the younger generation about Dawson I talk about him like I'm talking about a Greek God or something...like Poiseidon or something eh.
Andre Dawson


This data was retrieved from Warren Cromartie's great book "Slugging it Out in Japan"

The Old Cro says the name was derived and evolved from Dawson's original nickname which was the Cobra! He said, even as a rookie Dawson didn't take guff from nobody even veterans on the team like Tony Perez or Pete Rose....but he wasn't a violent guy though...he did it all with stares and the look in his eyes. He'd like hunch his shoulders up like a COBRA and HAWK you down with his eyes. It was a predatory style nickname for an intense guy. Dawson was a well respected dude, a real stoic and silent leader type.

A little proof here illustrate how intense Dawson was:

When the Expos played the Astros in the Eighties, they would sometimes run into a guy named Nolan Ryan. Nolan Ryan used to be pretty intense himself and he had this thing where if you'd hit a homerun off the great Nolan Ryan, he'd walk to third base and wait for the you on your homerun trot to round third and then GLARE at you to show his internal discontent over losing the pitcher-battle duel....but there was one guy he would never do it to.....he would never do it to Andre Dawson. Andre would just Hawk him down.

I think Nolan Ryan avoided it for same reason the Americans and Russians avoided using nuclear arms in the Cold War. Just Imagine the Electrons of Nolan Ryan's intensity bouncing off the Protons of Dawson's intensity during that staredown and ultimately culminating in an inevitable nuclear explosion.

Being Disrespected by the cops

It wasn't all roses for the Hawk in Montreal you know. In 1981 after getting to the post-season for the first and only time, Andre Dawson and Jerry White were mistaken for criminals in front of the Eaton Center downtown....

Here's a quote from Dawson's book:

"As we walked along, three men approached us from behind. Each had a gun. Two men came up behind Jerry and me, put their guns to our heads, and forced us, face first, against a wall. I was shocked and scared. I began to panic..." -A. Dawson & T. Bird, Biography (page 49)

To sum it up, the police said they matched the description of of two robbery suspects, threw them up against a wall and threatened to kill them if they moved, then opened their wallets and saw who they were and let them go. That's not good to treat the Hawk like that.

Collusion of 87

The owners got together and agreed that they would not sign any player for more than the contract he had at that time. So players who were deserving of a raise were being given contract offers of significantly less than what they warranted, and when they tested the free agent market for better offers it was the same thing. The owners agreed not to give any player any good contract. So Dawson's there in 87 going "why am i being offered 250,000 dollars when the highest paid guy in the league who was Mike Schmidt was getting over 2 million." The players didn't know about the collusion, the expos front office justified the offer by telling Dawson he was washed up and wouldn't get any more anywhere else. so Dawson getting this 250,000 chump change offer took it as a real insult.


He was one of the most respected hitters in the league. Guys used to throw at him all the time. He lead the league in being hit by pitches 3 times. The worst was the psycho Eric Show of the Padres who was a nut case (he died of a overdose in the nineties)...he was nuts...he was in a branch off group of the KKK called like the John Birch Male Christian League Society or some crazy thing, and he hit Dawson in the left cheek bone with a pitch which resulted in a bench clearing brawl which at least showcased the wrestling talents of the great Rick Sutcliffe.

For radio transmission 4

Dock Ellis

Switching to general baseball history...it's a different game now the old days are gone...let's talk about some of the legends of these times. Characters of old who you won't come across too often anymore and let's talk about the best of the best himself...the man who was as bad as CAN BE...Mr. Dock Ellis.

He did some out there stuff man. In his book Dock Ellis in The Country of Baseball he let's you see his motives behind some of the more controversial things he did and it is really an interesting book. Most people are aware of the No Hitter on LSD...

He had an off day and took the liberty of getting himself a little influenced so to speak, and under said influence two days kind of merged into one day and he forgot he had to get to San Diego and pitch. He figured he'd counter the effects of the LSD by taking some stimulants. He says he had no depth perception and sizes were getting out of whack like the ball would be the size of a golf ball in his hand sometimes and other times it would be the size of a beach ball...

lookin' good Ross...
Honestly my opinion on this is that DECEPTION for a pitcher is 1000% times more effective than throwing hard and throwing strikes. Dock was hitting guys he was throwing balls in the dirt a few feet in front of the mound, he was throwing balls over the catchers head...he was so erratic that the hitters had no idea what to expect next. Take for example the only Expos pitcher to ever win 20 games Ross Grimsley...he never threw a ball harder than 80 miles an hour...but he had three different speeds and movement on his pitches and it was deceiving.

Take the game of May 1st of 1974, it's Dock's Pirates versus the Big Red Machine (HUGE RIVALRY) (Rose, Morgan, Bench, etc.) his catcher Manny Sanguillen asked him to go over the hitters strength and weaknesses before the game and Dock's says "No, I'm gonna do the DO tonight...I'm gonna MOW THEM DOWN every last one of them..."

...and he did...the first five batters and only five batters he faced were hit by a pitch or walked by expertly dodging his attempts to hit them. Pete Rose got it in the side, hit Joe Morgan right in the kidney, hit Dan Driessen in the back, Tony Perez was the one who dodged all the missiles.

My favorite is his interest in the Voodoo, and when he was playing in Dominican winter ball...Dock asked former Expo Manny Mota to drive him on an off night across the border into Haiti because he wanted to see some Zombies. Now this is probably another drug induced hallucination but he claims in the book to have seen actual zombies...

..."I had to go to Haiti. Zombies. It WAS zombies. We were in a jeep, we got to a certain area. I saw these people walking, four of them, zombies and a woman too, a zombie woman too...and these zombies were walking FUNNY."

you don't find guys like this in sports anymore.


For radio transmission 3

Dennis and Pascual

Their stories are very very similar. Both ran into trouble with cocaine and were basically kicked off their teams and no one else wanted them but that great entity the Montreal Expos signed them up and gave them a second chance and both of these guys paid off huge.

After two great years with the Braves, Pascual went 1-13 with a 6.14 ERA in 85 and then was injured all of 86...so no one was really expecting huge things from this guy when they signed him. They got good pitching from him but more importantly a guy with entertainment value that was off the charts. This guy sold tickets.

Pascual Perez was legitimately and wonderfully insane. Not in the bad way but the fun kind you know. I remember getting those Expos calendars on opening day and flipping through them in like 89 or 90...and hitting the Pascual page and being immediately fascinating by this nut. I remember the picture...he had his eyes closed, his hands hanging on to this batting cage fence and he was flashing his teeth with the weirdest smile. Watching this guy pitch was an art...watching how he melded his whackiness into his pitching was like watching performance art. Talking to the ball like it was his pal, looking through his legs at the baserunners...throwing these exaggerated eephus pitches that were literally 10 mile an hour arching rainbow beachballs to the hitters.  Pascual was having fun out there...serious fun out there and I think everyone found him refreshing and entertaining...I'm sure a lot of people who saw baseball as a little boring or stuffy I think were won over as fans by Pascual in the late 80's.

Dennis was the first Nicarauguan to play in the majors. He had some great years for the Orioles pitching with long hair down to his ankles almost. but...

Similar to Perez, Martinez had troubles with his team. He had three straight years with an ERA well over 5 as a starter in a pitching era (so 5 is pretty bad in that era). Expos needed some pitching so they gave the Orioles two bums John Stefero and Rene Gonzalez in exchange for Dennis. They got him do some mopup work to help the staff finish out 86 and that's what he did and not much was expected from him in 87 or after. He was already 32 years old at this point, he was literally a crusty moldy ol' washed up bum. But in 1987 he goes 14 and 4 with a 3.30 ERA and then keeps getting BETTER AND BETTER every successive year for the next 5 seasons! They got 6 stellar ace years out of this guy and as we all know he was responsible for one of the most important and memorable moments in Expos history on that glorious day on July 28th of 1991.

Two days before on the 26th, Mark Gardner had a no-hitter going into the tenth inning and Lenny Harris broke it up. I guess Dennis' competetive edge got going and he was like "hey if you can do I can do it a little better" so two days later he blanks the Dodgers 27 up and 27 down take a seat you jobbers. Chris Gwynn, Tony Gwynn's brother, flied out to the Grip and the greatest announcer ever that man Dave Van Horne  yelled "El Presidente El Perfecto!" and that is without a doubt one of the most historic moments in the long history of the Montreal Expos.

for radio transmission 2

The reserve clause stated that a player was literally owned by the team he first signed with until the end of his career...a player could only sign with another if he was outright released by the team that owned rights to him.

1. 1969 (the first year the Expos existed by way)...That great guy Dick Allen is playing for the Philadelphia Phillies and he hates it there. He hates the fans who boo him despite putting up insane numbers, and tells management to trade him right effing now. They make a deal which sends Dick and Cookie Rojas to St. Louis for former Expo catcher and TERRIBLE broadcaster Tim McCarver and more importantly a guy named Curt Flood.

2. Curt Flood is there thinking, "hey wait a minute, I don't want to play in that Philly crap hole either don't send me there."

3. On Christmas eve of 1969 Flood writes a letter to the commissioner and he says some pretty poignant stuff in that letter as follows...great quote...

"After twelve years in the major leagues, I do not feel I am a piece of property to be bought and sold irrespective of my wishes. I believe that any system which produces that result violates my basic rights as a citizen and is inconsistent with the laws of the United States."

(credit for the language used to convey his wishes are attributed to union lawyer Marvin Miller and Justice Goldberg.)

4. Bowie Kuhn denies the request but this does not in any way stop Curt Flood he takes Bowie through all the judicial system all the up to supreme court.

Sadly he lost in the end and sat out the 1970 season instead of playing for the Phillies. He apparently stayed home and painted pictures and then fled to Denmark to run a bar and make love to women.

5. Five years in 1975 the players union gets the rid of the reserve clause sort of on lucky loop hole...but Curt Flood surrendering his salary and sitting out the 1970 season is really what got the ball rolling for the players union.

Flood has a place to Expos history too...he was the first player to get a hit in Canada when he doubled off of Expos left hander Larry Jaster on April the 14th of 1969.

Later years
Then basically the players union makes gains and gains culminating in the 1981 strike which almost kills the season, until 1987 when the owners try and gain some ground back through collusion which slows it down...then of course the 1994 strike which of course we as Expos fans know about quite well.

You cannot compare the spoiled strike of 1994 which took a world series away from us to the legitamate strength of character tactics of Curt Flood in 1969. The 1994 players strike is a smorgasbord of spoiled nonsense...I remember Lou Whitaker showing up the the union meeting in a limo and that was very iconic image of the 94 strike. Compare just for the sake of the mental image...

The 1969 image of Curt Flood giving up his lucrative salary for the 3-5 years he would have still been a prime player to paint pictures at home on one end of the spectrum and then the image of Lou Whitaker rolling up in a limo to vote for a players strike in 1994....it's iconic to say the least.

For radio transmission 1

(some of these articles are a little haphazard because they were written for radio initially)
Mid eighties (82 to 85)

Post Blue Monday and prior to the Buck Rogers Era...

That era is a good one because it has a glorious high point and a very low point in Expos history. The positive being the first All Star Game held outside the US of A and the low point being the Pittsburgh Cocaine trials of 85 and one of our greatest Heroes being entangled in that situation.

All Star Game

lots of Expos there eh!
59,057 people attended the All Star Game in Montreal Quebec.  Four starters and one reserve were in Expo uniform, Mr. Steve Rogers, Mr. Andre The Hawk Dawson,  Mr. Gary The Kid Carter, Mr. Timmy The Rock Raines, and Mr. Al Scoop Oliver. This may be the actual high point of Major League baseball in Montreal. We were one of  the top 5 baseball cities in North America at this point in time. NL won 4-1.

Pittsburgh Cocaine Trials
The All Star Game was a blip in the radar on the positive side, the next real big blip in the Expos history radar is the 1985 Drug trials which involved one of if not the most beloved Expo...the great Tim Raines.

This has some similarities to the Steroid trials of recent years but some glaring contrasts also. The obvious being the steroids is performance enhancing while cocaine is a performance hindering substance. In the steroids hearings, there was three main ways the players responded to the accusation...which was (A) to lie and deny (B) To say they simply can't remember or (C) to admit it straight up and apologize. That was the way the accused in the Pittsburgh drug trials reacted too, and the only guy who went the admit and apologize route was Timmy Raines. He held a heart felt press conference where he admitted he had a problem and needed help and then apologized to his team, wife, his parents, and his young son. He evaded any reproach from the league, and he wasn't suspended like many players were. He made the right decision by going that route and the Expos fans were forgiving to him.

click to make it bigger
He went from a really small town to party capital of the god damned world...Montreal atmosphere ate him up a little bit. He was only 20 years old when he became a full time player...(his salary from 81 to 82 rose from 45K to 200K) that's really young to be given a large sum of money and then turned loose on Saint Catherine street. You look at the forgive and forget policy nowadays like Ron Washington got off scot free and he was the manager of team back then this was more serious business...like Ronald Reagan's War on Drugs was in full effect and this could have a resulted in lengthy prison sentances, if they didn't have the money for good lawyers they would have been in the metal klink no doubt.

Raines Quote:

"Drug addiction is a disease people have just like diabetes. "

Dawson was a good Christian type guy and became a surrogate older brother to Raines is what the general consensus is on any data you come across on the subject. Raines was younger and knew about Dawson from their time in Florida and looked up to him even before they even met apparently. Dawson was a positive role model and it was a big factor in getting Raines off of drugs and back in mental shape.

Ellis Valentine

Ellis Valentine was before my time, of course, but information I’ve heard on him seems to suggest he had as much talent as a Dawson, Raines, and even a Guerrero, but something happened that changed his career for the worse…

During the 1980 season, Ellis was struck in the face by a pitch and was never the same after the incident.
From visual documentation it seems not only did he (A) Grow a beard, and (B) become a football player, but also totally lost his “mojo”. The initial picture shows a muscle-bound player who would strike fear in any human being let alone opposing pitchers, yet in the second sort of looks like a bum.

The question of course must be asked, as to what sort of career Ellis Valentine would have had if that pitch never hit him in the face….

I used a SHARP 720s-2 fully-functionate calculator…yeah a calculator, they don’t make mistakes. You think I entered the data wrong? Try it yourself if you have the time. Believe me this information is FACT. If you use the patterns of existing data to produce a template of what was possible the results behoove us to go crazy.

The insaner of humans believe in “random chance” of course, whereas there is no grand scheme to life and everyday is filled with zillions forking into trillions forking into a bazillion different scenarios. I think it is referred to as the “chaos theory”, where if say a guy got up ten minutes later than he normally would and ends up meeting his dream girl and living a completely different life than if he didn’t sleep that ten extra minutes. Blah blah blah…the saner of humans, however, write that off as total nonsense…and I am, of course, one of them. Everything, as far as I know, happens for a reason.

That being said why did that ball come into contact with Ellis Valentine’s face and ruin what was to be the greatest career a professional athlete was ever to have? One can only speculate. Let it be said that that ball never hit him in the face and the big man went on to annihilate every single record held by a professional baseball hitter (and more than likely all pitching records as well) what would that mean in the grand scheme of things? If a player was that far above the rest of the shlop in the league wouldn’t it take the fun away? I mean all the thrilling world series bottom of the ninth victories would never had been possible if a player of this caliber was present in the league. Ellis would basically just go through the motions and win the Expos the next 15 World Serieses, most of the games would be like fifty to nothing too. The whole concept of nail-biters, and heroics would surely have been lost from the game for over a decade.

The league itself would likely disband. I’m sure the American League would refuse to play the National League in the World Series after the fifth year of being Ellised anyway. The National League teams would likely want to distance themselves from someone of this caliber as well and eventually merge with the ad-hoc American league. Legal troubles of the matter would surely ensue as the AL would want the National to adopt the DH rule. Maybe the West would have agreed, but the East was always fervently opposed to the ordinance. The NL would thusly be balkanized into two or three leagues in itself relegating it to political obscurity and finally being disbanded all together. In short, if Ellis was not hit in the face with that baseball and thusly allowed to obtain his true potential, it would have surely meant the end of Major League Baseball.

Obviously this theory holds far more weight than “random chance” yet there’s one thing that will never be explained. What force took it upon itself to hinder the career of Ellis Valentine? I think there are three possibilities…

1) The opposing pitcher…

Could a mere man foresee the future and take it upon himself to stop it for the good of baseball? Probably not, I mean he wasn’t even good or anything.

2) Some sort of Deity…

God? I’m not sure Jesus’ Dad, or Allah, or Buddah, or Shiva, or Ganesh are that big on baseball. I mean there’s lots of other stuff deities are concerned about, like finding ways to ease human suffering, or teaching dogs to walk on their hind-legs and evolve already.

3) Time Travel…

Did someone, likely very rich, and very smart, living in a distant baseball-less future take it upon themselves to go back in time and ensure Ellis Valentine’s ascent into greatness was not to take place, thusly changing the course of history? I’m not sure this is the most likely scenario. First of all, time travel most likely does not even exist in baseball. I mean if it did wouldn’t Bill Buckner have gone back and sorted out that whole mess of the ’86 World Series a long time ago? Wait, if Bill Buckner had access to a time traveling machine would not others as well? Who’s to say that Bill Buckner didn’t go back in time and right the wrong of the 1986 World Series, but couldn’t Mookie Wilson similarly have gone back shortly after and re-changed what Bill Buckner changed, covering up his tracks so well that no-one was none-the-wiser? It all makes so much sense now, I mean when’s the last time anyone has even seen Bill Buckner and Mookie Wilson? Last time I saw Mookie Wilson was when he tried out as a replacement player for the Mets in 1995. 1995! That’s more than ten years ago! It is entirely possible that for the last ten years Buckner and the Mook have been perpetually traveling back-and-fourth through time changing and re-changing the events of 1986 World Series. In fact, I’d say it’s a certainty.

As previously stated above, if Ellis Valentine was not struck in the face by that fastball, the 1986 World Series between the Mets and Red Sox would never have occurred to begin with as the Expos would have either easily won fifty to zero, or Major League Baseball would have already been disbanded. Taking that into account, either Bill Buckner or Mookie Wilson (or both!?) must have altered the course of events in the career of Ellis Valentine during their respective journeys through time to ensure the event in which they are infinitely reversing occurs to begin with. It almost makes too much sense!

Ellis, I would have probably loved to live in a timeline where the Expos won 15 straight Championships, but we can’t kid ourselves, the collapse of Major League Baseball would have had incredible socio-politico-economical effects on North American society and culture. It just wasn’t meant to be…


(As for Mr. Buckner and Mookie Wilson…I’m not sure what would have been the best outcome to that situation. I know (thanks to a 1989 O-PEE-CHEE baseball card) that Mookie Wilson used his own money to open an “educational center” in inner-city New Jersey for girls entitled “Mookie’s Roses”. Therefore if Buckner fielded that ball successfully many inner-city girls would have lost out on a wonderful education. That also is not made up like the rest of what’s written here, some piece of mind I guess, Bill Buckner may actually have done the right thing in retrospect by not making that play, the Red Sox have won a World Series since then anyway).


How good was Timmy Raines though?

     How good was Tim Raines? That depends a lot on who you ask I guess. If you ask someone from New York they’ll tell he was a great forth outfielder/DH and a key factor in bringing the up and coming Yankees over the hump to win their first World Series of many. If you ask a guy from Chicago, he’ll tell you Raines was a great leadoff hitter who set the table for the south side sluggers (Frank Thomas, Robin Ventura, and Ellis Burks). All of that is of course true but what if you asked someone from Montreal? It seems much of what happened in Montreal in the eighties has been lost to the baseball world, in fact in ten or fifteen years the Montreal Expos will probably be lost from the collective mind of baseball fans all together. I however, am a guy from Montreal, and I know how good Tim Raines was.

     Where to begin? Well, the first memory I have of the Rock was when I was about four years old and was attending a game at Olympic Stadium with my family. I was having trouble seeing what was going on because I was short and such, but all of sudden everyone stood up and went crazy. I asked my father and older sister what had happened and they told me Tim Raines just homered. Of course I was familiar with this “Tim Raines” character already, I had baseball cards and the like, I was no idiot you know. Angered for missing what just happened, I asked where he hit it, as to which my father pointed to a Cocoa-Cola sign in left-center field, and I was dumbfounded. How could a human-man hit a ball that far? I was used to hitting homers into the neighbors yard at this point in my life, from home plate to that Cocoa-Cola sign must’ve been 100,000 of my backyards taped together…a long freaking way man. At this point I was convinced this “Tim Raines” was not a mere man at all but rather some sort of human god born from the heavens and suns. I was not scared of him however for I knew he would use these strengths adorned to him for the benefit of the Montreal Expos and not for personal gain. After this moment I followed the career of Tim Raines somewhat more closely than that of his fellow Expo brethren, he became my “favorite player” if you will.

     At the school yard in my youth talks of how good Tim Raines was and what he was capable of doing were rampant. I recall one of my friends asking me, “Who would win-in-a-fight, Tim Raines or Superman?” I found the question a bit stupid, Tim Raines of course. “Has Tim Raines ever been to the moon?” Well obviously, he probably has a summer cottage there. “I heard Tim Raines hit for two cycles in one game, drove to the Forum and proceeded to single-handedly defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs 18-0 while scoring six hat-tricks, is that true?” Yes, though I believe it was 22-0. All the questions just bread more questions, how good was this guy?

     In Shea Stadium, circa 1987, Tim Raines shocked us all once again. After missing the first month of the season due to the owners free agent boycott The Rock returned with a vengeance. The game tied 3-3 in the bottom of the 13th, Tim Raines came to the plate already seven-for-seven with 2 doubles, 3 triples, 2 singles, 6 stolen bases, and three runs scored. The opposing Mets reliever Jesse Orosco (then a robust 36 year-old) served up a pitch no one would ever forget. Tim Raines hit the pitch out of Shea Stadium…and clear out of New York State. The box score read 7-3, but it should have read Grand Slam outta The City to 3.

     That year, 1987, proved to be Tim Raines best season as an Expo. Rock finished the season with a .434 batting average, 78 homeruns, 7,000 RBIs, and 390 stolen bases despite not even playing in April. When asked what his numbers could have been if he played the complete season Raines replied, “I never hit well in April anyway.” Statisticians predict that had Tim Raines played the complete 1987 season and the collusion never happened he would have hit a remarkable .575 while knocking in close to eight billion runners. Wow…

     In 1990, news of Tim Raines finally made it to the United States, and in turn the Americans greatest player challenged Montreal’s greatest player to a base-stealing contest. Rickey Henderson, the Greatest That Ever Lived, challenged Tim Raines to a base stealing contest in an exhibition game between the Oakland A’s and the Expos prior to the 1990 season. It was down to the wire, Henderson and Raines both had a dozen stolen bases by the ninth inning…Raines however on the last out made it a bakers by stealing home off of Dennis Eckersley and Terry Steinbach. Henderson, admitting defeat, sulked from the bench and proclaimed himself “The Worst of All Time” then proceeded to play Bobby Bonilla at cards or something. Tim Raines had done it, he became the first player in history to steal 13 bases in one game, though it was an exhibition game and was never recorded in the record books, it happened, believe me…

    So how good was Tim Raines? It depends who you ask.

What I saw on TV today

     I watched Benny Hinn Ministries this morning, and I saw his guest Brother Johnny Francis interpret his view of the parable which involved Jesus and the fig tree.
    Francis states that Jesus came upon a fig tree, and being hungry approached it in hopes of picking figs and eating them. As Jesus got closer to the tree he noticed it was bare and figless, which left him feeling deceived and disappointed. Francis explains the meaning of this parable in the following manner: That Jesus gets hungry like all of us and is not perfect like we believe him to be. He states that Jesus was tempted by the fig tree to relieve his hunger which he refers to as his “desire,” as he gives into his desire for hunger he is deceived by the tree and thusly is disappointed and “suffers” because of it. Francis ends by saying the moral of this story is to “curse, doom, and terminate” your desire towards temptation in order to reach a “spiritual manifest.”
    He explains “spiritual manifest” as being the place above the questions which plague the humans of earth, and you achieve manifest by “meditating through prayer.” Through meditation we find the words to tell the devil that he is trespassing in our lives and the words to make him stop.
    It is interesting how he has taken a very Buddhist approach to interpreting this parable, using the words “desire,” “suffering,” and “meditation” even during his monologue. It is even more interesting how he has taken this short parable and interpreted it simply through the workings of the brain to mean something so elaborate, and that is the best part about religion. Anyone can read those stories and let the workings of their brain interpret it into whatever they wish it to mean in order to help them answer the unanswerable questions and relieve their anxieties. It should also be noted that, yes, all the evangelist programs on TV are basically commercials for the host to sell products but there is theological information that can be found within them as well at times.

On Alou and on Robinson

        When Felipe Alou came to Olympic Stadium with the Giants in 2003, the Expos fans gave him, the opposing coach, a standing ovation. After the game, Expos coach Frank Robinson asked the press why they cheer for “that guy” and not for him. To this day I’m not really sure why Frank Robinson, a hall of famer and all around good baseball guy was not popular with the Expos fans. We’ll look into it and hopefully find the answer.

First of all, where did Frank Robinson come from? The first time I heard his name come into the picture was actually way before he was announced as the Expos new coach in 2003. Now, it was strange at the time but this is the information I had received. A friend of a friend of mine who apparently was in contact with Andre Dawson (then assistant GM for the Florida Marlins) told me that Frank Robinson and Bill Cosby were interested in purchasing the Expos (then almost defunct) and moving them to Washington. Setting aside the ridiculousness of this statement, it did come from Andre Dawson which meant it couldn’t totally be untrue. Having forgot about it for sometime, I was totally shocked when the league named Frank Robinson as the Expos new head coach. I was shocked, amazed, but mostly horrified. Was it the end? Did Frank Robinson find a way of getting his friend Bill Cosby into the picture? Was the Cos waiting in the shadows with moving trucks ready to whisk the Expos away and make them the Washington Puddin’ Pops? For the record books it should be known that Frank Robinson did indeed appear on an episode of “The Cosby Show” playing Frank “Payday” Potter circa 1991. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, yeah right. That being said, I didn’t trust this guy coming into Montreal, that’s strike one for Frank Robinson. By the way, I’m a huge Cosby fan and all and love his faces and antics, but moving away the Expos is not nice Bill Cosby.
       Alright, moving on, my initial distrust for Frank Robinson was dashed actually after his first season here began. After the Expos won on opening day 2002, I saw Frank smile and wave to the fans, he looked happy and proud to be an Expo. From that day on I was in his corner as head coach. As the weeks went by and no sign of Bill Cosby and moving vans I started to relax and let Frank do his thing…like sleep or look old.

2002 Opening day come-from-behind victory:

            At the end of the 2003 season, the last home game (we’re jumping ahead here), Vladimir “The Best Hitter Alive” Guerrero was to play his last game in Montreal. He had two at-bats and then was pulled in place of Ron Calloway (who homered in his at bat mind you, so no blame to him). The fans were not happy and booed Robinson like crazy. At the end of the game on the scoreboard highlights of the season were being played and every time Robinson was on it the fans booed him like crazy. I was a bit embarrassed, I mean they were booing a hall of famer, and an all around good baseball guy. After the game Robinson told the press that the fans had 80 games to see Vlad why did they want to see him so bad now, or something like that. Even though I was embarrassed during the booing, the after game comments were a total strike two for Robinson. You don’t talk bad about the fans man.
      Mind you, I still don’t dislike Robinson at this point, everyone else does, but I’m still sorta in his corner. Yet, when I saw the Nationals getting their uniforms however for their inaugural season, and how happy Robinson was…that was it. He was never an Expo, even if he wore the uniform, he was a National this whole time.

Analysis of Joeseph Ramone's piece, "I donn't wanna go down to the basement"

hey daddy-o
I don't wanna go down to the basement
There's somethin' down there.
I don't wanna go
Hey, Romeo(a)
There's somethin' down there
I don't wanna go down to the basement


    In a society where complexity, elusiveness, and convulution of words and ideas is seen as a mark of being "intelligent," it is always refreshing to see a piece of writing which avoids the aforementioned traits in a valiant attempt to remain simple. If a piece of writing is judged on the difficulty of the words it contains, or how strong the author's vocabulary is, or how effectively it convulutes basic simple ideas; it becomes inherent that all the important data of any written work will be ignored in favor of trivial nonsense.

    Author Joeseph Ramone in his work "I Donn't Wanna Go Down to The Basement" shows emphatically that writers do not have to convolute their work in order for it to be a good piece of writing.

    In "I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement" we are ushered into a world of intrigue, uncertainty, and suspense. It is perhaps the greatest work written by any writer throughout the interweaving tapestry of human histories. This essay will look deeper into this treasure trove of information that "I Donn't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" surely is.


(Translation of Introduction)

    Yo, honestly bullshit sucks. I hate listening to bullshit. Why can't people just talk normal you know? When people just talk bullshit all the time it gets on my nerves. You ever heard that song where that guy doesn't want to go down to the basement? That songs rules! It's so true! I just can't listen to it while I drive though cause it's that freaking good. Man, I love that song!


(Part 1: Basic Grammatical Breakdown)

    The piece opens with the lead character shouting to an unknown party referred to simply as "Daddy-O." The lead character tells Daddy-O that she or he refuses to go down to a location referred to as "The Basement." The reason the lead character gives as to why she or he refuses to go to the basement is due to "Something [being] down there."  The Who, the when, the why, the where, and the how have all been established within the first three lines of the author's work.

   One of the joys of written text is that much is left to the readers own devices and imaginations in order to paint mental pictures of what they perceive the story to mean. Joseph's style of writing is wonderful as it leaves  the reader purposely in the dark to fill in details themselves, and thusly exercise their cognitive skills.


(Part 1 translation)

    The dude's all like Yo I don't wanna go down to the basement! He's like scared of something that's down there man!

Yo the dude doesn't even know what the hell's down there.


(Part 2: Synthesizing opinions and arguments to form more experienced opinions)

    In the aspect of written language acting as a cognitive learning tool the process is indeed quite simple.

1. We read or hear data.
2. Said data is then recorded into the brain.
3. We decipher the code it is written in (English, French, Swahili, Morse, etc.)
4. We decipher the Who, What, When, Where and How of the data we have recorded.
5. We then form an opinion on what the data means and what aspects of it are important.

    We have read "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" and have already deciphered what is going on, we must now of course form an opinion on it to complete step number 5.

    My opinion on Joeseph Ramones piece is as follows. I believe that he is attempting to bring to life basic childhood fears which we have all experienced. The song makes us think of when we were young and afraid of things uncertain to us. The father of the lead character has asked his child to go the cellar and bring up a box of salt or some other foodstuff or tool of some kind. The child is reluctant because the cellar is dark and cold and it makes the child feel uneasy and scared. Thusly the child outright refuses to go down into the basement. We can all relate in a point in our lives where we felt uneasy or fearful and Joeseph's work both scares us yet also reminds us all of a simpler time when all we had to fear were silly things like dark basements.

    After forming opinions a new process must begin in order to improve our opinion. It is as follows,

6. We construct our opinion from the inputted data we have received.
7. We formulate our opinion for universal outputting by mentally giving it values within a universal code (Eng, Fr, Sw, Mor)
8. We output our opinions to others
9. Others give their input on said subject
10. We then reformulate our opinion once again using the new data we have to work with.
11. We have thusly synthesized our opinion with others opinions and have a more experienced opinion.

    For example, I may tell my opinion to a someone and then they will in turn tell me their opinion. Let's create a new opinion of Joeseph Ramone's "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" for good measure.

    My opinion of "I Don't Want to Go Down to The Basement" is as follows. I believe that it is a story of a child who lives in a haunted house and dwelling deep within the bowels of this haunted house are ghosts of a ghastly nature. They are ghosts who died many decades ago and reep the land of the living in search of revenge. The child refuses to go down into the basement because he is terrified of these ghosts. This story is ripe with symbolism, the child represents humanity, the basement represents society and the ghosts represent the immobilizing fear of death which exists in all humankind.

    For better measure let us create a third opinion of this work.

    My opinion of "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" is as follows. A man is living in a run down townhouse with five other roomates and it is his turn to clean the basement where they throw their weekly wild parties. The basement is full of hundreds of empty beer bottles, vomit, and other unsightly scenes. There's probably even a guy down there who passed out drunk and smells horrible. The man, obviously, does not want to go down to the basement.

    All three opinion are equally valid and in no way can ever be proved to be false. In fact an infinite amount of reasons can exist as to why the lead character refuses to enter the basement. All that is inherently true that we know to be true is that "Something" is "down there." By creating as many opinions on this as possible we begin to have a more experienced opinion of this piece of writing. The more data we have to synthesize the more complete our opinions will become as a whole. Discourse is instrumental to the learning process.


(Translation of Part 2)

Oh man! I wonder what could be down there? Like a wolf or a wolfman or some week old mayonnaise or some crap! Oh man, it could be anything. My friend says its gotta be like a monster or something but I think it's like a robber or something  like that. It could be anything in that basement! Man this song rules!

This is how we learn stuff:

1. We See it.
2. We Think about it.
3. We Talk about it.
4. And stuff.


(Part Three: The importance of reducing language to it's simplest terms)

    Why at institutions of learning must ideas always be convoluted into 400 page essays? Is elaboration the true mark of human knowledge?
    Take the most intricate of human languages, Mathematics, as an example. Why in math is it essential to reduce fractions to their simplest terms. How come we never say 2 out of 4 but instead say 1 out of 2? Both are fifty percent of one hundred of course yet it seems stupid in math to say 2 out of 4. In the case of English why is it that simplest terms are seen as being a mark of uneducation? In English it would make sense to always speak in simplest terms so that the maximum amount of people can understand, it makes sense. Why write a ten thousand word essay ripe with convoluted vocabulary when you can write a simple piece which states the same thoughts?


(Translation of part 3)

This song rules so much cause the guy keeps it real, he doesn't talk bullshit you know? I hate bullshit, why can't we just keep things more real? When I'm at work and a dude wants me to do something he'll go, like yo go do that thing, the dude wouldn't freaking go into a all kinds of bullshit the dude would just say what had to be done and that's it.