The Oprah Empire has begun its decline...for a Trojan Horse has entered her domain

The Oprah Empire is a large media corporate entity which makes a fortune off of selling tabloid chaff, innate nonsense, and diffusing erroneous information to its viewers. The Oprah conglomerate may also be responsible for turning two full generations of women into overly politically correct, celebrity obsessed, gossiping soccer moms. The structure of the entity consists of a Queen Bee or more accurately a Mother Planet and her surrounding satellites.

Satellite #1: Doctor Phil

Springer is an all around chill guy

For every 1 second you watch Doctor Phil you become 1.125 times more of a worse person. So if you watch 15 minutes for instance, you become 16.785 times more horrible than you previously were. Basically Doctor Phil is what you get when you take the Jerry Springer premise but take out all the loonies, whackos, sickos, fights, and bare breasts...and all your left with is this bald annoying pile of crap lecturing people.

On the contrary for every 1 second you watch Jerry Springer clips on the Youtube you become 5 times of a better person for it (and if Kung Fu Billy is in them you become 7.5 times of a better person).



Satellite #2: Doctor Oz

Doctor Oz is some kind of a doctor (I guess). I picture him in his office, wearing a GlaxoSmithKline t-shirt, hawking GlaxoSmithKline products to his patients whether they need it or not because he gets a commission on all the GlaxoSmithKline products he hawks off. I'm not trying to say that those products are bad, their vaccines do prevent disease but the problem lies in the fact that they are foremost a business before a health care provider. But...forget my preconceptions as they are not important, Doctor Mehmet Oz has no problem showing off his quackery for the world to see.

James Randi kicks the shit outta people for a living....

The Long-Armed Hairy Ape Man (as Oz was known in his halcyon days at Harvard) was recently awarded the Pigasus award in the Media Category by that great guy James Randi. The award is issued to the the top 5 promoters of nonsense for said year. The main reason given why he deserved this accolade was for the promotion of "faith healing," "energy medicines" and of course for promoting the bane of all medicine... homeopathic remedies. Randi does a whole long debunking shtick on homeopathic remedies at the talks he gives, and you are left sitting there wondering how this was turned into a billion dollar industry. They basically take a "magical" ingredient like duck liver or some bullshit then dilute it with the medicine-to-water ratio of 1 to 100,000 or so...then they electrocute the water (!?) for some unknown reason (maybe to bring out the electro-lytes or something) then load it into sugar pills and sell it to you (Guardian article for backup).

Mother Planet: Oprah

I have an actual personal vendetta on the Oprah. I think Oprah was the actual reason I quit school. It was the start of my 4th or 5th semester in the History Program at the Concordia and I was sitting there thinking..."You know, unless you are in engineering, or sciences, or medicines, or something cool like computer programming...you're not really in college. This program I'm in for instance is a glorified book club and the only thing you get out of this degree is a big snobby chip on your shoulder." As this thought is crossing my mind, the teacher gives us her book that we are going to write a 400,000,000 page essay on this semester...and lo and behold it's one from the Oprah's Book of the Month Club (Special Edition)...so not only am I paying money to sit in a glorified book club but it's actually an Oprah Book Club on top of it all!

For the final essay, I wrote a scathing horribly sarcastically biting essay and earned a smooth ZERO on that shit. That smooth zero dropped my cumulative GPA down to 1.63 (along with the other two teachers who failed me during my implosive "going out with style" semester closer), and that boys and girls, will not get you very far at school.

I wish I was exaggerating...but I'm not.

How can a single human man possibly exact revenge on one of the most powerful entities on the face of the earth? This defeat shall never be rectified or balanced out for there is no one alive with enough shutzpah to topple the Oprah Empire. I can get down on my knees and pray for a champion or a hero to emerge but the odds are slim that any hero will show up in my lifetime.

Satellite 3: Zach Anner? Wait...wut?

We must never forsake a snake for having no horns...for who is to say that he will not become a dragon?" - Leung Pang-Liu

Okay, hold the phone...what's going on here? The newest member of Oprah's legion of evil minions is this cat? How the heck did this happen?

Quite simply actually...Oprah held an internet contest to pick one person out of millions to be the host of their own show and be the next arm of the Oprah Regime. Anner took the whole world by storm with his charisma, charm, good natured self-humility, and humor. As news of his video hit all the internet venues (Reddit, Ebaums, Youtube, Twitter, Facebook) it was hard to find ANYONE who didn't love the guy. Naturally, his votes on the Oprah website skyrocketed and he nestled himself into the top spot and never looked back, until of course he lost 6,000,000 votes out of the blue. Needless to say, the internet was in a collective shock as their golden boy went from hero to zero with an instantaneous and enigmatic slight of hand.

A site called geekosystem first broke news with hard concrete proof that this was no accident by any means. A friendly and bright fellow named Travis Wright is credited with acquiring the information and breaking that shit down. The Oprah people never meant for the person with the highest votes to actually win anything, it was all a farce and the internet's hopes of having a Zach Anner Show were dashed almost as quickly as they were concieved. And that's sad...

As a person with a pre-existing vendetta on the Oprah, I must say I was outraged. Like stated previously, how can one man exact revenge for wrongdoings against an entity as powerful as her? It is impossible, but now you have a throng of like minded internet folk (Reddit, Ebaums, SomethingAwful, etc, etc.) outraged at the same time and somehow they managed to vent their outrage in a cohesive wave of hiveminded justice.

Oprah...how could you?

The move that really hit home is when the internet hit the Oprah where it hurts most...in her public image. Google keeps logs of hot search terms and puts a list up of what people are searching for most. What's really cool about this is that lazy news outlets (i.e. all of them) love to look at what topics are hot and do half-assed pieces on them. All of sudden the term "Oprah hates the handicapped" and "Oprah rigs votes against Zach Anner" became the top google search terms and dozens of media outlets (some very big ones too) started running stories on how Oprah may have personally removed Zach Anner from his top spot in the online poll. It is possible that upwards of fifty thousand people participated in getting those terms to number one.

Now due to Oprah's fear of widespread negative publicity, Anner was re-added to the list of people from the internet contest who would be invited to the auditions. For Oprah in effect to prove to the naysayers that she does not in fact hate handicapped people, she invited Anner on her show for a "heart warming" segment to make her look good and then added him to the her reality show competition where he'd compete against a group to win his own show. A few boring shows later where Anner only appears in about 4 minutes of cumulative footage, the great Anner wins the competition and is promised his own show by the Oprah people.

The question now is will Zach Anner sell out and suck up to Oprah or will his balls of steel (which we all know he has) burst forth outta his drawers like a gargantuan dinosaur in the night? I have a feeling this cat is more than he appears and I think the proof lies in the following video....

After he won he wished to talk to Oprah in person once again, and knowing it would be good public relations she does it. Anner plays coy through the whole thing answering her run-of-the-mill queries...but then at the 2:25 mark he aims from the hip and pulls a dramatic switcheroo...he turns the tables on the Oprah and starts asking the questions. It's not much but it gives a little hope that indeed a Trojan Horse has found it's way into the Oprah Regime.

And Remember...


"No Atlantis is too underwater or fictional..." -Zach Anner