Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Monday, July 10, 2017

History Channel: The King of Dumb-Cumentaries

I love the field of History, I always did and always will. If you don't know where ya been then how you gonna know where you're going ya dumbo? Y'Know? So yeah, I love me some old History.

One problem I have with History is that most of it is not adequately documented with concrete proof and evidence of claims and thus I find it can be speculative and romanticized at times.

Romanticization is alright because the author/producer of it usually states something along the lines of "Based on a True Story" and the audience should understand it's like 85% fiction and 15% fact ... but Speculative History on the other hand isn't usually offered up as entertainment data and the author/producer usually states it is to be taken as a truth with no disclaimer or warnings.

I find my personal hobby-related interest in Historical events is usually confined to the area of Baseball and of Hollywood Movies/Tv Shows. I know that sounds weird but as a Historian of those fields the most interesting thing about them is the amount of evidence and records those fields record. (They're not the only two fields with extensive records, mind you, these are just two fields that interest me).

With Baseball, every play for the last 100 years has been recorded and since the invention of the camera many/most/all games in MLB have been recorded with visual evidence so any claim made in the History of Baseball is usually demonstrably provable. And this is the same with Movie/Tv History because now with Youtube it seems everything ever is available to view ... so if someone claims that something was done before or some such actor invented some bit then claims of this nature can be verified 100% because all records of this field have been recorded and are available for viewing. So even though you might find Baseball History or Tv History to be of the trivial/mundane variety .... I think they are very interesting fields of History due to the ease of proving claims thanks to the vast amount of records these fields have made available.

With History in general, once you start going back before cameras, before media documentation, it starts to get a little greyer and claims are less easy to prove. You can say .... Hannibal crossed a trench with 100 Elephants .... and we'll just have to take some historian's interpretation of some ancient text as proof for that ... there's no photos of how many elephants Hannibal had .... there's no videos of it .... maybe there was 200 of them, maybe 2 of them ... maybe none at all. We can never ever know for sure since there's absolutely no proof that it ever even happened. Maybe it's just a fairy tale .... who knows. Y'Know?

At least in more modern eras, in which heavy records were kept, and visual documentation in many cases exists ... we have a good idea of History. From about the 1800s and on we have access to a lot more written data, photographic evidence, and in many cases now-a-times multi-media evidence. It's easier to understand what happened from about 1800 and on thanks to record keeping and cameras.

Nonsense 24/7
Extremely Speculative History of more modern times is still in demand however. The biggest purveyor of Speculative History is the History Channel who will offer the most asinine shows and documentaries that I've ever seen ... and they will offer it with no disclaimers or anything.

The History Channel will air Bigfoot "investigations", Aliens Live Amongst Us "investigations", Robots will Kill us All "investigations" ... and that's fine and good ... it's entertainment and all but they should have some sort of disclaimer on these things telling the viewer it's for entertainment purposes. Bigfoots, Aliens, and Robots aren't running amok, ok? These are fun little stories and nothing more.

Most of the time the media doesn't latch on to a History Channel Nonsense Fest and report it as news ... but recently a case has come up that has graced the pages of just about every news media publication ... and it's a story about a new History Channel Documentary about Amelia Earhart.



Amelia Earhart: History Channel's Newest Dumb-Cumentary

Every media outlet has picked up this story and they offer it up in the headline and in the article without any second-thought or skepticism.

The claim being made in the new Dock is that Earhart didn't crash her plane and perish but she crashed and washed up on shore of a small island where the Japanese kept her prisoner until she died. This is a pretty bold claim and they offer what they call concrete evidence this happened. The evidence in question? A photograph, this one:

??????? Evidence that Japan kept Earhart as a Prisoner ?????

Okay, that's a pretty nice photo. They say if you zoom in you can without a shadow of a doubt see the back of Amelia's head in here... let's see now:





Yeah ... okay there. The back of this person's head is being offered up as concrete evidence that Earhart was taken prisoner by the Japanese after she washed up on a nearby South Pacific island? This is pretty silly stuff to be 100% honest here.



Occam's Razor 

An opposing theory on the internet has appeared today offering up a much less assumption-laden origin of the photo. There's an origin for this photo I saw today on Brian Dunning's twitter feed where one  Samantha Adams has the photo dated in 1935 and a link to a mass produced Japanese travel book:

See: http://dl.ndl.go.jp/info:ndljp/pid/1223403/99?platform=hootsuite 

I put the caption of the 1935 book through a standard OCR program available online as to which we get the basic google translation of the OCR as:



The caption of the photo is along the lines of "Lots of interesting goods come via ship into this quaint little harbor".

So we have two competing theories here:

Theory 1: This is a photo where the back of somebody's head proves that Amelia Earhart didn't die but washed ashore this small island and was taken prisoner by Japanese soldiers.

Theory 2: This photo is from a 1935 Travel publication and depicts a small quaint harbor where boats come in to unload various goods.


Now, it's up to you to decide which theory makes more sense and there's two types of people in this world. There's people who will always choose theory 1 over theory 2. Why? I don't know. There's people who flat out will refuse a simple explanation and always prefer the more entertaining one. What if you pile more and more and more speculation on it? Let me make up a crazier speculative theory now....


Theory 1: This is a photo where the back of somebody's head proves that Amelia Earhart didn't die but washed ashore this small island and was taken prisoner by Japanese soldiers.

Theory 2: This photo is from a 1935 Travel publication and depicts a small quaint harbor where boats come in to unload various goods.

Theory 3: This is a photo of Amelia Earhart and D.B. Cooper re-united at last on the Falkland islands after both their daring high air escapades ended with each of them being sucked through a time vortex thanks to the efforts of Ancient Aliens, Bigfoot, J.R. Bob Dobbs, Elvis Aaron Presley, and Papa Legba who's combined secretive powers allowed each daring high flyer to escape death and settle on the Falkland islands where Amelia and DB Cooper had sex and made a baby and that baby grew up to become ...... 

..... Kurt Cobain.

 
Speck is German for Bacon Fat.

Fuck man, my speculative theory makes History Channel's speck look like kindergarten shit. Speck theories? Shucks homie, I was through with it before you even knew what to do with it. If you dopes at History Channel are gonna go Full Nonsense then go full throttle or go home. Go Big or Go Home, History. If you're gonna go full throttle nonsense then do it right. Your speculation/speck theories need I'd say about 700% more Elvis in them. Seven hundred percent more Elvis and maybe about 400% more Papa Legba ... and some Ancient Dwarfs couldn't hurt either. Speck it real good if you're gonna speck it up, baby.

Get a nice ol' fryin' pan there History Channel ... get a POUND of SPECK .... sizzle it up real good .... now you start with Elvis as the base ingredient, then you sprinkle on some Aliens (not too much just a drizzle of Aliens), the real scary aliens the Lizard Aliens I'm talking 'bout, now you let the fat coat up the theory 'til it's a nice golden brown then you cut up some Big Foot cutlets and really work the Big Foot meat in to the Speck fat theory ... really woooork it in there. Now you're cooking, bubba. Now you're cooking with heat there bubba. Now you're cooking up a Speculation reeeeeeeeal good.  

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo-Weeeee!



Conclusion

History, if you're gonna go full deep fried german bacon fat on these theories then please just completely lose your mind. I have no problem with you H-Channel, I think you make entertaining nonsense at times.

Media, I got a major beef on how many outlets ran with this offering zero skepticism with this story. I mean this story is abso-ludicrous. You're talking big outlets running this story as fact too not just the dumb ones like Daily Mail ... I'm talking like real news outlets here doing this story.

On a serious note, Brian Dunning who has been following this story and where I got most of my info from on this has a nice new movie out that he's offering to schools for free (it's available free online as well) ... in order to teach Critical Thinking to young persons. I think this is important and since I got most of my info on this story from his site/twitter-feed I should give his work a shout out. He's doing good stuff.

Dunning's new film aimed at introducing young people to Critical Thinking is called "Principles of Curiosity" and it's free so teachers can use the material in schools for free.



(Edit July/12/2017: I stated wrongly who first linked to the photo in the 1935 Travel publication. Dunning and Gold tweet is the first place I saw it referenced that day but according to the follow up pieces that media outlets are doing on this story the person to point out the 1935 photo was this writer: http://yamanekobunko.blog52.fc2.com/blog-entry-338.html)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Adam West .... The One and Only Batman

Rest in Peace great actor Adam West ... and the only man I consider to be a Bat Man of a man.

A lot of celebrities on twitter are making nice statements about Adam West, a lot of famous people I think were inspired and influenced by Adam West. His acting style was something that I believe a multitude of comedic actors were influenced by. The silliness of the show combined with the total thespian seriousness of West's acting is something that every comedic actor should have to watch.

The Bat Man show only lasted 3 seasons in the sixties, but you'd be hard pressed to find a person in the entire world who's not familiar with it. Kids from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s .... they all grew up watching this show. It used to be on right before supper time when I was a kid and it was one of those shows you didn't care if you've seen this episode 12 times ... you're still gonna watch it. The Theme Song alone was worth it.

It only has one word this song and that word is Batman.

This show was too much, man. It was so good. They made a movie too which was just supremely beautifully whacky. There's scenes from that movie that are like locked in my head because they were so strange to watch them as a kid. Even if I grow to be as old as 100 and get alzheimers and forget everything ever ... I bet you I'd still remember the Shark scene and the Bomb Scene from that movie.

There's another scene I'll never forget either in the Adam West Bat Man movie and that's one where they solve a riddler's riddle in such an mind-alteringly confusing manner. While watching this movie again when I was a bit older, not a kid anymore but like maybe 16 or something, I tried to make a logic map about how they arrived at this conclusion to this riddle. I wrote it down and I found the logic so supremely ridiculously silly that I hung it on a bristle board over my computer ... and if I look in my desk right now I think I still have it.



It doesn't show up very well in that photo I took but it was just a series of arrows that helped me try and figure out how Adam West and Burt Ward solved this Riddler's riddle. I see these charts called like logic maps or goal trees or something now a days ... I didn't about know those when I made this...  I was like a teenager and just really wanted to try to figure out a way to understand how in the world Batman and Robin arrived at the answer of "United Nations!" to this riddle.

The Riddler wrote two riddles in the sky using the wake of a plane and they were:

1) What Goes up White but Comes Down Yellow?
2) How Do you Divide 17 Apples among 16 People?

They get the answer to the first one as "Egg" quite fast but hold the phone it doesn't stop there, no way. An egg they say represents a "Container of Mother Nature" ... which in turn could be called ... "Goodwill" ... Alright and somehow the answer to Query One was "Goodwill." Alright.

Nextly, they tackle riddle two .... they get the answer of Apple Sauce right off the bat but that's not the super correct answer, no way, they had to dig deeper into this burning question. Apple Sauce as everyone knows involves the Unification of Apples and thus Apple Sauce can be said to represent Unification, okay... I'm with you so far Batman and Robin (I guess). What is another word for Unification? Apparently it's Organization...

....and put it all together and what do we get? A Goodwill United Organization....

THE UNITED NATIONS!!!!! (Well obviously!)

This flow chart (which I think is what they call them now-a-days) hung on a bristle board on a wall over my computer for many many years along with old concert tickets, sports ticket stubs, pictures, and stuff... I honestly think it's had an influence on my life. It's just total absurdity. Total 100% absurdity ... and that's what the show was ... it was totally 100% absurd. Absurdly amazingly good.


Who's the REAL Batman?


There's been so many Batmans over the years from Keaton to Kilmer, to be honest without google I could not on-the-spot name every single BatMan. For me personally there's only one Batman and it's Adam West. None of the other Batmens ever had me wrack my brain to the point where I had to make a flow chart (not knowing these even existed) of logic to map out how they arrived at their mental conclusion.

But flow charts and logic maps aside ... is there something that really separates Adam West from the others? Yes, and it's the approach to the character. If you're gonna make a show about a guy who wears his underwears OVER his pants and runs around with a sidekick wearing a green speedo and yellow cape .... it really has no choice but to veer off into a comedic direction. It did and Batman was one of the funniest shows of all time.

The over-ham, theatre-like seriousness deliveries of Adam West and Burt Ward is icing on the cake to make the show even that much more ridiculous. When you wear your underwears over your pants but play the role more seriously than 10 Laurence Oliviers .... you're on to something, man. It's beyond absurd .. it's just a new art form altogether at some point.

The newer movies gritty-up the character a bit too much, I find. It gets harder and harder for me and maybe some other people too ... for us to take a person who dresses up as a bat, puts on a cape, and runs around town fighting crime seriously. At least in the newer Batman movies he no longer wears his underwear over his pants.... but still .... It's a concept that's not exactly designed to be wicked serious.

One movie that made me just really not like the Super Hero genre movies was that Watchmen movie. In Watchmen they don't want you to take it Mock-Serious but they want the audience to take this Super Hero movie super duper like Serious-Serious-Serious. I saw an interview online once with David Hayter (the guy who does the voice for Solid Snake in the english Metal Gear localization and was involved in making the Watchmen film), and he was trying to defend the movie to critics by saying that the audience was just too stupid to understand all the subtle nuanced intellectual portions of the film. I dunno 'bout that.

The audience wasn't too stupid to understand Watchmen ... it was a dumb (and not in a good way) movie. It was over THREE DARNED HOURS long! Why in the world is a super hero movie THREE HOURS LONG for!? A good super hero action movie should be capped off at 1h and 40 minutes MAX. There's not much actual action in this movie even, the CGI was mainly used to animate a blue politician (who for some friggin' reason is always naked with a dick hanging out) who talks to people and doesn't even fight. The only part I liked was when that kid Kelly from Bad News Bears kills the midget from Seinfeld.

The kicker in that Watchmen movie is the underwears-over-the-pants characters ... and they are meant to not be whacky. There's a scene where Die Fledermaus and the spandex woman are having a deep conversation about their feelings for each other ... about the complexities, obstructions, fruitifications, and ennui of their relationship ... it's meant to be this deep, gritty, dark, love scene ... and this idiot Die Fledermaus is WEARING HIS UNDERWEARS OVER HIS PANTS!

Look, the following is an undeniable fact of life that I'm gonna state now, okay:

If your character is wearing his UNDERWEARS OVER HIS PANTS ... he is not gonna be up for an Oscar anytime soon, alright? You can't expect to be taken seriously when you have your underwear over your pants ... it's just universally silly. Go into your parents old photo albums and look at photos of you when you were a kid and I bet with a 95% success rate that they have a photo of you with your underwears over your pants and everyone in it is laughing ... why? Because it's down right funny to wear your underwear over your pants.

If you're gonna do that on film ... wear the underwears over the pants like that ... you should be doing the Batusi, trying to dispose of comedically-large bombs, and trying to solve evil Liberace's schemes against you by solving a series of nonsensical riddles .... That's what Super Heroes who wear their Underwears over their Pants DO! If you wanna be serious while wearing underwears over your pants then try to be 100x Laurence Olivier more-serious-than-serious-itself style serious instead of after-school-special style serious. Okay?

What do you have to say for yourself, Liberace?
"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those two guys runnin' around town with their blasted underwears over their pants!"




Conclusion

Adam West was an Icon, if the world still exists 500 years from now I think kids will still be watching those same 3 seasons of Batman. It's one of those things that can't be recreated and will just live on forever.

RIP Adam West


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

A Confederacy of Dunces: The Book: The Movie

I was reading on Wikipedia that there's been numerous numerous attempts to make a movie out of the the book "A Confederacy of Dunces" and yet there's never been a movie made out of it.

According to this article: "http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/hollywood/2006/12/a_conspiracy_of_dunces.html" ....

..... It appears there was a Belushi and Richard Pryor version in the works that was canned, then a John Candy version, a Chris Farley version, a Will Ferrell in a fat-suit version, and most recently a Zach Garofololohforgetit version was in the works.

All five of these versions were in development yet were never made. I wonder why there have been so many attempts to bring this piece to the big screen but all ended in failure. Who knows. Some have even applied a haunted curse on the work because so many involved with it died young.

The book itself was published after the writer, John Kennedy Toole, died young in his thirties. Belushi died very young, so did Chris Farley, and John Candy died pretty young too. People are saying the book is cursed .... and maybe it is.

Whatever it is, it's a good book, it's written well. It's a bunch of weird New Orleans characters who are tied together through certain key-events, leit-motifs, macguffins, and they are also all tied together by the buffoonery of the main character ... the super-selfish and genuinely repulsive human being ... Ignatius J. Reilly. It's good, if you like reading, you should read it.

In this article we shall look at if indeed there is a curse on this book and then we shall ponder and speculate that if someone made a 2017 attempt at this accursed tome who should play Ignatius on the big screen.


Is it Indeed an Accursed Tome?

If anyone has read this blog before who's reading this you probably know that I don't believe in various magicks, voodoos, ghosts, ghouls, ouijas, and shit. I do not believe in curses.

The only thing that could tangibly be of note is that since the writer did commit suicide and die before his book was published ... maybe people involved in working with the material get depressed over that and the whole dealings with the book feel morbid and morose. I wouldn't call that a "curse" though.

As for the young deaths of names attached to the Ignatius character. Look, some of these people didn't live the most healthy of life styles, you know? Some people's deaths are a tad more shocking than others let's say. Like when I heard the Juice Man Jack LaLanne died in the news I was like "Woah, the healthy old juice man died? Wow" ... but when someone like Sam Kinnison or someone dies you don't have that shock as much, you know? A person who lives their life drinking vegetable juice and doing jumping jacks you don't expect to die but a person who lives their life eating bacon sandwiches, washing them down with 5 eightballs of illicit cocaine, a bottle of gin, and then has 5 prostitutes for desert .... well, you aren't wicked surprised when you read in the news that they sprung off their mortal coil.

Guys like Farley, and Belushi? They are more in the Kinnison boat than the Jack LaLanne boat, let's say. When your idea of fun is eating non-stop, drinking non-stop, doing hard drugs non-stop, and banging whores non-stop ... it's gonna eventually catch up to you. I don't think many people were super shocked to read either of these two icons died to be honest. I'm gonna guess it was their lifestyle that killed them young and not the fact that they were booked or rumored to play Ignatius J. Reilly in a movie.

John Candy
As for John Candy? He wasn't as hard core as these two but he was a big dude too so dying of a massive heart attack is not uncommon for a 320 pound man to die in this fashion. I do not think his name being rumored or attached to a Confederacy project led to his early demise.

Will Ferrell and Zach Garafalalawhocares are both still alive so only 3/5 people attached to the character even died to begin with ... as much as 40% of the people tied to the Ignatius character are still alive today as only 60% of them actually died young.

So is there a curse around this comedic tome of the ages? No, there's not. It seems 40% of them didn't even die and the 60% that did can be explained by the fact that party animals don't tend to live into their salad or twilight years.

Is it cursed? No.



Well Then, Who in the Comedic World Could do A Decent Ignatius on the Big Screen?

Alright so will there be another attempt to bring this good book to the big screen? Probably. The question is who would be able to bring the Ignatius character to life.

Art is subjective and everything. One's man's caca is another man's golden caca, y'know? For me, just personally, I don't see Zach G. as Ignatius working ... I don't. I watched the first Hangover and it was funny and Zach is okay in it ... but I'm not gonna watch the ten remakes of it that came after though, one is enough. He's funny but this person is not an Ignatius. He's just not.

Selfish unlikeables over the years like George Constanza and others are departure points for the character but I don't see George Costanza on Seinfeld as meeting the Ignatius criteria either. I mean, yes, George was a selfish horrible butthole but he's still not an Ignatius-level selfish horrible butthole.

I dunno, who can pull it off?

Who's fat these days? Pinette died (RIP), Ralphie May is of the plus sized variety, Artie's quite large, there's a Mexican guy working who's fat too, Louie Anderson is still around here and there, Jim Gaffigan's pretty fat, Danny Devito is short but also fat .... hmmmmmm, none of them are Ignatius though.

What about a female cast as Ignatius? They do that in Hollywood all the time now, I think it's "rule 63" the young people are calling it. Like they will cast a 13 year old Estonian girl to play Iron Man in the next Iron Man movie just to make a point or something. Could Igantius be portrayed by a woman in a fake moustache and green hunting cap? Who's fat in the female world of comedy these days? Amy Schumer's ... wait ... you can't just call ladies "fat" now a days ... Amy Schumer's uhhhh, retaining a little water these days ... but even with a fake 'stache and green hat I can't visualize her as an Ignatius.

Hmmm. I guess there's no one.

Or is there?

I was watching the new season of that show Silicon Valley the other day (which is good this year as Jiang Yang is getting more air time and Gavin Belson is like seriously up to something, man) .... and it was a scene which was not a central scene to the plot and was kind of neither here nor there of the Erlich character selling dope to the Monica character so she can frame some evil Chinese jock at her workplace. Erlich, played by TJ Miller was doing his lines, and it's his enunciation of every sillible of every word. It's just ..... there's something there. I know it .... this person's enunciation and delivery of words is Ignatius caliber.

Est tu Ignatius ??
The scene ends with him looking at the camera and saying ".....I said that? Well, I say a lot of things." The delivery of this line was the most Ignatius like demeanor ever recorded. I honestly believe that. It was a line in response to the Monica character telling him she went on this crazy stratagem over something he told her the other day. The Erlich character drives the story through these buffoonish selfish acts, and the way Miller delivers and enunciates his lines? It's him, THAT'S HIM. That is Ignatius J. Reilly .... It is.

But is T.J. Miller fat enough? No, not exactly but he's not far off. I read that Mac character on Always Sunny in Philly gained like 60 pounds just to be fat in one season of that show. I thought when I watched that season that Mac just got fat by accident but he didn't ... that Mac fat on Always Sunny was method acting! Wow.

If Mac can gain like 60 pounds than Miller could too I bet. He's not in the Ignatius weight division as it stands now and fat suits are dumb. He'd need around 60 to 80 pounds of method acting to do it.

There's other people a modern Confederacy movie would work with, but, I really think there's something there with this actor ... I think he's Ignatius caliber.



Conclusion

Is Confederacy a good book? Yes, it's a wonderfully presented text, I do say, Yes indeed.

Is it an accursed tome? No, it is not accursed in the least, I do say. No siree.

Is Zach Garafalo a good pick for Ignatius? No. 
  
Who in the acting sphere as of May 31st of 2017 meets the criterion to be able to act like Ignatius? My own personal opinion from seeing scenes of him on Silicon Valley is T.J. Miller. He's sort of an Ignatius-like character on the show already who's buffoonish selfish nature tends to drive various aspects of the story ... but it's not that ... it's the embellished soliloquys mixed with the extra ordinarily pompousness of the enunciation of sillibles that qualifies him.

Ignatius is lost in his own over-educated liberal arts moron world in this book, to do this character you need a guy who can just turn away from the other character and just look directly into the camera and do an overly enunciated elongated soliloquy and then turn back to the character of which he's engaging like nothing happened.

There's times I watch  Silicon Valley and think ... that's him, Miller can do Ignatius. I truly believe that.

Then again what do I know? I don't watch a lot of modern shit in the art media world. Like I watch old awful movies on youtube, old wrestling from before I was born like Dick Murdoch vs. Special Delivery Jones, and shit. I don't know much about the current affairs of the work-a-day modern art media world.

The only stuff I really watch that's "new" these days is Mike Tyson Mysteries, Ash vs. Evil Dead, I started the new season of Silicon Valley now as mentioned, Dragon Ball Super, and the the Dr. Steve Brule show ... that's about it of new shit I watch so I don't know all the best people operating these days probably.




*End Note: By the way, Back when I read the book I read it in Rik Mayall's voice because it fit so well for what my brain could connect to. I read Igantius in like a "People's Poet" voice. Rik died young too. He died in like a vehicle crash though so it's not curse related.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Best Tag Team Finishers

It's Sunday, I should write something down. My humanly Writing Tools are getting pretty rusty ... like if I don't do it for like a month or two I will like forget how to do this stuff. If I don't do it for like a month and then try, I'll be sittin' there in front of the blank white page and be all like "What the Hell, Man?"

It's actually quite hard to ravenously throw down black characters onto a blank white slate. I hear Pro Writers say sometimes that they get "writers block" like a constipation but for writing ...  I can see how that's possible.

Similar to anything else in life you gotta keep at it to get better and you gotta keep doing it to stay sharp ... so ... to wash the rust off my Writing Skills .... here is my presentation to All Parties of Whom are Interested to Know this:

THE GREATEST TAG TEAM FINISHING SUPER MOVES FROM ANY MEDIUM OF ALL TIME.


The only rules for this tournament is that there are no rules. It can be a Tag Team Finisher from any medium of entertainment. Actually, there will be one rule and that's that there will be a limit of One move per source. So, for example Chrono Trigger was loaded with wicked wicked tag team moves but it'd be dumb to just list like 10 cool moves from that video game. Y'Know?

I am now gonna start slamming down keys and entries ... I'll tally it all up and make the Official Leader Board at the end of this thing.

Let's get Started ..... Now:

Wait, hold the phone, maybe not everyone knows what this crap is so let's Term Define it out quick,


Term Define: Tag Team Finishers

This is a fighting move which combines the input and skills from two or more individuals to form increasingly powerful combination attacks. Once two singular moves are combined they thus become greater than the sum of their whole ... they become ... More Better.


Okay, Now let's get started ..... Now,

No wait, I might as well provide the inspiration that lead me to have the idea to sit down and write about tag team finishers.


What Got me Thinking about Writing This:

I was watching Dragon Ball Super which after the first two pretty bland story arcs (I wasn't crazy about the Purple Goku one either) is starting to get pretty cool... the show is hitting its stride and getting pretty cool. The next arc is a big ass 80 Man tag team Battle Royale ... it's gonna be like that Survivor Series where like 100 guys were standing on the apron. Yo, Dragon Ball Super is getting pretty buck, like word.

Dragon Ball was good from the original series all the way to about the Cell Saga in "Z". I stopped really liking that show around the end of the Cell Saga where like everything started to get a bit boring. I don't even remember the Buu one ... and that garbage nonsense "GT" made no fucking sense ... but yo, Dragon Ball Super is pretty buck and I like it.

Anyways, Piccolo and Gohan were like training in the mountains and eating dinosaurs like it was 1989 again and reminiscing about Old Times when Gohan says to Piccolo, he says, that they should come up with a Combination attack ... and I was like ... Word. Dragon Ball with Combination Tag Super Moves is a GENIUS idea! It is. I LOVE tag team finishers. I'm not even joking, like WORD to your MOMS tag team finishers drop BOMBS and if they put them in Dragon Ball ... forget about it ... it's gonna rule.

Okay, that's why I got Tag Finishers on the brain ... now, Let's Get Started Now,

The finalists are:



The Bush Whacker's Patented Battering Ram:

Wrestling has had some cool tag team finishers like when Ax would hold a guy in a back breaker clutch-hold and Smash would jump from the top turnbuckle and elbow the idiotic opponent in the face ... thus breaking the guy's back and his face at the same time ... but that move is peanuts compared to the Power which was unleashed by the Bush Whackers patented Tag Team Finisher, behold Ladies and Gentlemens, The Battering Ram:



It's in there, you might as well watch the whole video, there's some cool stuff in there like them making cheese, eating extra large 12 foot long hogies, and puking on each other and shit. The Battering Ram is in there somewhere or other.

Basically, Butch put his cousin Luke's head into a standard headlock and then both propelled their legs, which when combined gave them the Power of Four Legs (instead of two) charging Luke's Head into the idiotic opponent. No one got up from that, no one, not Barry Horrowits, not the Brooklyn Brawler, not Maxamillian Moon .... no one got up from this finisher.

It's simple but effective and it melded seamlessly into their act/stage-show ... they would frangle about the ring licking people, biting people's butt cheeks, and hollering buffooneries ... and this was the setup that lead in to the piece-de-resistance ... the Battering Ram which not only combined Butch's and Luke's leg strength but also combined their comedic skills into their wrestling skills. The Ram was the perfect cherry to put on the top of their perfect Double Fudge Sunday of a match.

I respect the Bush Whackers with many fibers of my heart, no doubt.


Raw Power: 76
Finesse: 74
Aesthetics: 79

Overall: 76



Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID:

Word to your Mom, Lemme drop a Bomb!
When I first saw Lucca throw a buncha fire into Crono's Cyclone sword whirl .... forget it ... I almost flipped my lid and ran screaming out of the house. It was called a "Dual Tech" and holy moly a la macaroni was it friggin' COOOOOOL. Word to your MOMS on Mother's Day (today) it was cool. The "Fire Whirl" was the first Dual Tech most people would learn in the game, I think, if memory serves me right, so chances are many many people flipped out to it like yours truly.... but ....

.... forget about Dual Techs, that shit is for BABIES. If you flipped for a dopey Dual Tech wait until your party learns a TRIPLE Tech. Yo.

I remember learning my first Triple Tech like it was yesterday. I was in Magus's Castle and then all of the suddens it writes on the screen "You Learned Triple Tech, Triple Raid" ... and I was like .... "a what?" .... "a TRIPLE TECH!? GET THE HELL OUTTA TOWN!"

In this Triple Tech, Frog and Chrono start by doin' the tried-tested-and-mother-approved bread and butter Dual Tech "X Strike" but it doesn't end there, people. IT DOESN'T END THERE! After Cro and Fro rip the enemy asunder in a X-like pattern, guess what? My boy, Ro, winds up a Robo Tackle and SMASHES into the idiotic opponent! Man alive, as if X Strike wasn't enough ... it literally became a TRIPLE RAID! Unreal.

I flipped. 100% Flipped.

My Heart ... it just Stopped.
Magus is the mid-boss of that game, and I was in his castle just MASHING THE CLUB UP! MASHING HIS CRIB UP with those TRIPLE RAIDS! I was mashing that pasty-face Magus's club up, like word. If I was outta magic or one guy was confused then I'd let loose a coupla Bubble Snaps or maybe a couple Spin Cuts ... who me? I don't give a fuck. I do not care or am scared of some ghosts in some haunted pasty-man castle. Forget about it. I WAS MASHING THE CLUB UP, ASUNDERS!

Man, I was in school back in Le Day when this Masterpiece was out and I was learning that junior algebra shit. Everything in those silly Mathematics Exercise Books was hokey stuff like "Solve for X", ya right, you think I'm gonna solve for any X after learning Triple Raid there Math class? Word to your mom, NO WAY JOSE. You never caught me in no math class solving for no X, no siree, Woo-eeeeee, I was up in those exercise Hilroy copy books drawing ROBO smashing into all the Xs I was supposed to be solving for. Smashing the math book up! WORD! No math book can tell me what to solve for, funk that .... those Xs were uncompleted X-Strikes, that's all they were! They needed a Robot to smash into them Xs and make Triple Raids outta 'em. I even imagined in the sound effects whilst drawing robots all over my math book Xs ... Triple Raid sound effects all like SLISH - SLASH - KURTAW - KUURRRR - PAAAAATOOW!

My Math book loooked COOL back in Le Day. Word up.

Raw Power: 88
Finesse: 86
Aesthetics: 87

Overall: 87



Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's Disco Inferno Bald Headed Seizure Nonsense Technique:

People always say that Video Games aren't literature ... but very idiotic people like that have never like sat down and played a game like Earthbound, or Final Fantasy VI, or Chrono Trigger ... and those morons have surely never sat down and played Suikoden I, II, or III.

The stories of the Suikoden games are just down-right well presented and I would describe them as wonderful, yet, we are not here today to be talking about the stories of the Suikoden games ... we are bringing Suikoden into this article because it has one of the silliest Tag Finishers these eyes of mine have ever laid into.

Male Pattern DISCO INFERNO!!!!
Not to get into the story, I'll just describe the move. In your band of 108 heroes you have three of whom which happen to be bald. Yes, they have shiny, no-hair-having heads, which sit atop their necks ... and if these three baldinies are in your fighting party at the same time they can combine the power of their bald heads to create a disco inferno which then morphs into a liquid-plasmic seizure inducing light show which ultimately culminates in every idiotic monster on screen dying like a big idiot.

Side Note: I have a bone to pick with that Gantetsu, because I read the books this series of games is inspired from (Outlaws of the Marsh) and that brother Gantetsu is obviously based on the Sagacious brother himself Mr. Lu Da .... and if you're gonna do a Lu Da character then that mammer jammer should be MASHING UP the CLUB like word to your mom. They made this character a Mage who sits in the back row and uses his 108 beads to like cast ghosts out ... man, he should have been wielding that iron cudgel like Lu Da did in the book and just mash idiots to pieces. I can't stay mad at Gantetsu though, because you have to push him like a sumo wrestler to recruit him (which is cool) and if you put him with Bolgan and Long-Chan Chan he can become 1/3 of a force of Bald Men so Powerful that they become a walking drug induced rave party ... which I must confess is the type of thing that Dreams are Made of.

Raw Power: 66
Finesse: 71
Aesthetics: 108 (limit breaker)

Overall: 82




Black Hole and Pentagon's What The Hell is Going On:

 
May we Sloooooow da tiiiii-hiiiime!

Ah yes, what list of this nature could claim to be in completion without first visiting the Tag Team finisher of the tag team known as the Four Dimensional Killer Combo who participated in one of the grandest of Tag Team Tournaments ... the Tournament Mountain Tag Team Tournament ... which started when an internal under-sea volcano erupted and jettisoned a new mountain range onto the earth's surface ... one that came complete with a wrestling ring and an ancient trophy to be awarded to the tag team which reigned supreme on Tournament Mountain.

I should explain these two pro-wrestler/super-men's super skills before explaining what their Tag Finisher entails.

Black Hole started out in Buffalo Man's stable of Super Men / Wrestlers who were banished from earth for their brutal ways (by means of getting locked in a giant roach motel and being shot into outer space). He's one of the original Devil Super Men ... and since he was born in the bermuda triangle he has the power of the Black Hole. Black Hole has a big hole in his face that leads to a cold and eternal void. His theme song is pretty good.

His Theme Song: The Bermuda Mystery

As for the Pentagon Man, he is a super man made by the Pentagon in the USA and wasn't a big deal on this show ... mainly acting as a jabroni to Wars Man in the Olympic Games story arc. The Russian super man known as the WarsMan carves him up pretty easy. Personally, knowing how retarded this show is, I honestly don't think Pentagon is his original name ... I think he was changed to Pentagon Man after the company told the authors of the work that he can't go by his original name which I believe was The Flying Jew Man. That's just a theory though and I can't prove that to be true. His powers is he can fly around like a bird man and he can spin his Jew Star to make time stop momentarily (which proves to be annoying in the Tag Tournament for his opponents). His theme song is good too, I love the english chorus of "May Weeeee Slooooooooow the Tiiiiiiiiiiii-Hiiiiiime!

I wish I could Stop Time myself.


Okay so, now Mr./Ms./Mrs. Reader understands that Dude A can suck things into an eternal empty void inside his face and Dude B can fly around like a gay ass bird and can also spin his face star-of-david and make time literally stop.

So, when these guys fight in the Tournament Mountain Invitational Geological Tag Team Whatever-the-Fuck-Thing Championship .... they develop a combination attack that combines their powers to create a combo that's way more better.

Sooooo..... Okay, what happens is. Um, let's see here, 

1. Black Hole disappears into the Void inside his own face which causes his idiotic opponents to run right past him and to clothes-line each other and look stupid.

2. Pentagon whilst flying around like a gay jewish bird grabs one of the idiotic opponents who is still whoozy from being clotheslined by his own tag partner.

3. Pentagon thus flies gracefully through the air, high in the sky like a bumblee bee, and then holds his opponent in a reverse german suplex and begins his ferocious descent to the ground ... but instead of smashing his opponent's head into the ground ... he SLAMS HIM INTO BLACK HOLE'S FACE whereby he disappears (forever?).

4.  Next, while the other opponent (the one not currently inside Black Hole's face) regains his composure after the botched clothesline, Pentagon STOPS TIME ITSELF to keep this interloper in his place. Then, he grabs this opponent and similar to the first one, Pentagon flies gracefully through the air upwards and then places the second of the opponents in a reverse german suplex hold ... and similarly again ... he slams him into Black Hole's face (which you remember is an empty universe to itself).

5. Now, you following so far, Black Hole jettisons both opponents that are trapped in his void/face and launches them into the air.

6. Now both Black Hole and Pentagon jump into the air, high into the sky like a bird or a plane, and then grab an opponent each .... and then ...

7. PILE DRIVE THEM SKULL FIRST INTO THE GROUND.


They do this obtuse special clutch hold power move to Kinnikuman and his partner Prince Kamehameha* ... but I can't find a clip of it to show you gentle reader ... so if you'll excuse me we'll have to settle for a demonstration of this move from a Kinnikuman video game:

- 4D Fusion -

Well, there it is. There's some other cool moves in this tournament too but I'm gonna pick 4d Fusion as the entry for the Kinnikuman series. Some other cool ones are BuffaloMan and RamenMan (the 10 Million Power Having Powers) do one where RamenMan puts BuffaloMan on his back and then bends forward so Buffalo Man's horns are facing in front of RamenMan and then he runs at a top speed, as to which I'm not sure if it's symbolism that they turn into a horned freight train or if they do transform into a freight train with horns ... either way it's pretty cool. The Muscle Brothers voltron-esque Muscle Docking tag finisher is cool too.

(*Side Note: If you're wondering why Kinnikuman was in this pairing it's because .... Kinnikuman teamed up with his original trainer the Hawaiian Super Man known as Prince Kamehameha because his long time friend Terry Man had already promised the Native American Super Man known as Geronimo he would team with him and didn't want to break his word. But since the Prince Kamehameha exceeded the age limit for the Mountain Tag Tournament he had to wear a mask similar to Kinnikuman and thus they called themselves the Muscle Brothers.

-end of Side Note.)


Raw Power: 83
Finesse: 98
Aesthetics: 84

Overall: 88



Assessment of Ratings 

Okie humanly Dokie my reader of readers (if anyone is still reading which is doubtful) let's review the assessments now!


*** 1. Black Hole and Pentagon's Insane Nonsense Flying Bird Void Thing ***

2.  Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID.

3. Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's  Disco Fever Laser Light Show Bald Guy Attack.

4. Bush Whackers Battering Ram.  


Bird Nonsense Void Thingie wins because it's Word to Moms I'm Here To Drop Bombs COOL. It barely beat Triple Raid (which I should confess has a special place in the fibers of my heart so I might have a bit of bias on the Raid, baby).


Conclusion

As for Dragon Ball Super, it rules, and if it's gonna become tag team finisher city down at this wicked-sounding Tournament of Power between the Universes ... oh my goodness .... I hope those writers and artists know what they are doing. I hope they all grew up playing Crono Trigger, and Suikoden, and watching Wrestling and Kinnikuman. I hope some of these tag finishers blow my socks offa my feet on this show! 

They did one yesterday where like Goku and Tien team up to practice against Gohan and Piccolo. Gohan fends off Goku and Tien whilst Piccolo charges up his Super Explosion Wave ... it was pretty cool. There's so many ways they can go in this 80 man Multi-Universal Battle Royal though, I'm fucking excited, I haven't liked this show since like they beat Cell in like 19-whatever-dee-7. Who knows what these fucking aliens from these other fucking universes can fucking do, you know? Maybe some dudes are gonna be throwing dudes into other dudes faces (of which said dude's face is actually another universe) for all I know.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Trapped in Icers

I wrote about Fake News a coupla months ago, and in it, I lamented the fact that Fake News is not what it used to be. It may sound strange but I have a lot of lament in my heart for the current state of Fake News in modern times.

Now a days, it's 200% frizzle, frazzle, and gimmicks the Fake News. Some jamoke punches up a 60 word "article", snaps on a snazzy title, scripts on about 700 ads, and then publishes it. It's crap, man. Total crap is what it is.

You're sitting there thinking, yeah of course Fake News is a buncha crap wasn't it always this way? As to which my reply is ... No, it was NOT always as crappy as this. Yes, Fake News was always crappy but it was fucking funny and EFFORT was put into it.

There was a Golden Age for Fake News and it ran from about 1981 to about 2005 and it was called ... The Weekly World News.

Cover from its later more-sillier years.


It wasn't like The Onion where 100% of people were 100% sure it was satire/fake .... it danced the line between fakery and reality ... but rest assured .... 90% of people 90% of the time were sure it was a bunch of nonsense.

One of the editors of Weekly World News once stated that it's readership was based on two kinds of readers which were referred to as Reader A and Reader B. It is explained that Reader A believes what they are reading and purchases the News to be shocked by the stories in it ... whilst Reader B is not retarded and knows Weekly World News is a lark and laughs at the foolishness of the stories.

The News got whackier and whackier as time went on until its demise. In the early 1980s its readership was probably 90% Reader A and 10% Reader B but by the late 1990s the stats reversed and only 10% were Reader As and 90% were Reader Bs (9/10 people bought it to laugh at/with it and didn't believe it).

To WWN, making money was their goal, just as Fake News is today, but they really tried to give the readers quality-ass shit and really make the reader laugh or be entertained. They really did, dude.

I actually prefer the early archive of WWN of the 1980s, where it was 90% Reader A, when it was threading a fine line between believability and down-right unquenchable stupidity. The Shock Value of the later years is sort of a little too worked, I find. I really do prefer the subtle yet retarded era of WWN.

They had their paranormal/aliens stuff in the 1980s too but on a much smaller scale and a thousand times less ridiculous. The main tenets of the early WWN was a hash of Crazy Newz Stories, Celebrity Gossip,  Harrowing Tragedy and/or Miracle Newz Stories, Fake Help Columns, and Angry Blow Hards ... and for the most part the ridiculousness was subtle but still there.

So today, I want to speak specifically about a main tenet of 1980s era Weekly World News, the tenet of Harrowing Tragedy and/or Miracle Newz Stories ... and specifically the tried-and-true tale of children getting trapped in ice.

We shall be (A) Explaining what a "Trapped in Icer" article is, we shall be (B) Narrating a paragraph by paragraph example of a "Trapped in Icer" ... and finally (C) We shall witness as I make a valiant attempt of my own to write a classic "Trapped in Icer" with hopes of meeting the approval of the reading audience.


A Trapped in Icer

Weekly World News went to the Ice Well a lot, it went to the Well a lot too. I don't mean just the expression either ... I mean they literally went to the Well a lot, as in articles about children being trapped in Wells ... but not more than articles about Kids Getting Trapped in Ice. They went to the Ice Well far more than they went to the Well Well.

This is a big go-to plot device in other venues too ... like the Simpsons did it ... and I recently saw the new Pee Wee Herman movie where Pee Wee makes a new Best Friend and is invited to his birthday party but unfortunately gets trapped in a Well and can't make it. I remember there was a movie called Simon Birch where this cute dwarf child gets trapped in some ice (or did he save a kid from ice? I don't remember). Those kids on Lassie were always getting caught in wells or burning barns. Christopher Walken saves a kid from an Icy Lake death in that one where he shoots the President too. I like when they do this in movies and things ... there's a subtle beauty to getting trapped in a well or trapped in some ice.

There were issues of the WWN with multiple Icers in the same issue. I mean how many kids can get trapped and miraculously rescued from an icy lake or icy ravine in the same damned week? There's an issue with THREE trapped in icers! At that point when you get to the second one you're like, another kid got trapped in some ice!? You're still probably gonna read it anyways and not skip it because the first Icer was so well written for a short news article ... and then you'll soon see and realize that the second Icer article is even better than the first one! By the time you get to the third Icer, you still have to ask yourself how in the heck THREE kids got harrowingly trapped and miraculously rescued from Ice in the same week ... but you'll be damned if you aren't gonna read a THIRD icer in this issue because, holy crap, they are soooo good. While reading Weekly World News, you know you can't take the paper too seriously and hold it to too many standards when the cover story was "Les Nessman from WKRP in Cincinnati Attacked by Unidentified Flying Object on Set!" ... so who really cares if they want to do three articles (two back-to-back) about children trapped in ice.

When you do this many Icers, or anything really, colleagues start competing to see who can out-do each other and out-ice another. This is what happened, I think, with the WWN's Icers. There were so many people doing them that they all tried to be the Ice Bearer. These things turned into literal Russian Tragedies by the umpteenth one. These were no longer reports on kids trapped in Icy Ravines but short novels written about the fragility of life.

Let's take a look at an example (this is just one of many .... I'm not saying this is necessarily the best one of all time) ...



Example Icer

One of many,



Nine year-old boy spent 3 terrible hours trapped in the  .... wait for it ...... ICY JAWS OF DEATH. OH NO! First of all, before you think anyone's making fun of a terrible situation ... I'm almost 99% sure that kid over there in that bed was never trapped in any god damned ice and is a stock photo or other.


Now that's how you open up an Icer, you let the reader know that this isn't just some regular dopey ol' dumb ice or anything, this is a veritable Tomb of Ice and this child is helplessly a prisoner in this tomb with no way out. Plus this isn't some lake that some other kids are skating on or playing pick up hockey on that cracked open ... this tomb of ice is on a Deserted Winter Beach. So from the opening paragraph we learn of a child that is helplessly encased in a tomb of ice on a deserted island with no way to escape. Great opener for an Icer, just great.




Obviously, these news reports become stories pretty fast. Somehow someone knew how the boy felt and verbatim what he said throughout this harrowing ordeal on a "deserted winter beach." I guess a stenographer was there with him trapped in the Ice as well.


I remember Mike Walker from the National Enquirer used to come on the Howard Stern show and do a test of three news stories and you guess which is the false one ... and I never got one wrong. Never. The fake one would always be written like this .... as a story with verbatim quotes and the characters thinking to themselves.

If I saw this in a respectable publication, this story telling, I'd be immediately turned off by it, but the cover story for this week's Weekly World News where this article ran was "Ronald Reagan's Youngest Son Living in Squalor on the Dole Line Waiting for Hand Outs of Free All Dressed Hot Dogs!!!" so my standards for news reporting are obviously quite laxed whilst engaging in a Weekly World News article.



 
....As the icy fingers of the ridge. Oooooh, I like that part. That's good. You can use like "Meanwhile..." and other plot devices too when you write Icers. It's not to be taken as a real news report so it has a lot of give when you do these.



Oh this is a good one. We find out in the closing paragraph that the blue shape battling along the ice bed (or Ice Tomb if you will) was the child's innocent but relatable to Milwaukee Brewers batting helmet. The blue helmet stood out in the web of white ice and that let his parents and rescuers find him and save him. That's how you write, man. That's how you write. Yeah. Iron. Hard. Ice. Walls. Yes. Write lady, write your ass off! Yes.



No, mamma don't stop your babies from wearing silly things, all mammas everywhere listen up and listen good... please, if your kid wants to wear a baseball batting helmet to school or to the park ... just let them! It might be the difference between life and death! That Brewers helmet saved Adam Rosenzweig's life! It's miracle's miracle! It was a miracle's miracle!



...and then look how fucking shaggy it ends. Oh wow. That ordeal? It wasn't that bad. That dog wasn't even that shaggy, man. That kid'll never go back to that icy old beach ever again.

So good.


My Own ... Trapped in Icer.

I've never been this nervous before writing, the reason being that, I fear I will not correctly capture the essence of the "Trapped in Ice" article. It seems so easy to do one but at the same time .... so difficult. Everyone thinks it's so easy to just sit down and write a heroic tragedy-turned-miracle but it's just not that simple. It's not. I have great respect for articles about kids getting trapped in wells, and kids getting trapped in caves, and kids getting trapped in ice .... they are good writing and the task is daunting for I fear I cannot give homage to this style with the justice it deserves.


Yet, in the opening statement, I did in fact make an assertion that I would make an attempt to preform this writing style .... and I'm not one to back down from bold claims in intros. This blank page below sits in front of me empty, its emptiness like a void that needs to be filled ....


.... It's just you and me now Blank Page. Mano-Y-Mano. Just you Blank Page, and Me and a child .... a child who just happens to be trapped in some ice. You can stare at me all you want Blank Page ... with your white deadness and lifelessness .... but you cannot daunt me to the point of surrender. No way. I know you Blank Page, saying to yourself that there's no way I can write about a child trapped in Ice .... well guess again. You think you're so much better than me Blank Page? Yeah right. You cast doubt upon me Blank Page but that will be your undoing .... now get ready ... get ready to be filled with a short story about some kid getting trapped in some ICE!





"Small Child Swallowed by the Encroaching Abyss of Deadly Ice whilst Spelunking in Near-By Cave .... Can he Survive???" 

-A Short News Article


Paul Strohmayer wrapped in warm blankets....
It was a soft September's morn in the small hamlet known as East Lansing, Michigan.

Albeit a quaint township it was no stranger to erratic weather and on September the 17th of the year 1989 this small American town experienced a blizzard like no man or woman had ever seen.

The snow was falling down in veritable sheets. Layer upon layer of cold hail dropping down unto this poor American hamlet. As layer upon layer of sheet-like ice pelted the countryside it was as if Mother Nature had declared war on Michigan.

It was only September, the fall-weary Michigan authorities were in no way prepared for such an assault on their beautiful state and the wonderful denizens of East Lansing did nothing to deserve such a Winter's Blasting.

As the snow continued piling upon pile, and the ice begast mounting upon mount ... one mother's voice began to crack amongst the pelting waves of winter's malfeasance. It was the town's nurse, Heather Strohmayer....

"My son? Where is my one and only beautiful son?" her voice declared as she scanned the living room for her beloved boy child.

Yet, her son was no where to be found for he had gone off to spelunk in a near by cave. The boy was the adventurous type who loved exploration and adventure .... yet, sadly his body was not built to engage in such follery.

Paul Strohmayer was a handicapped boy, born under an unlucky star so to say, at birth he was barely even one full pound and the doctors told his parents he had zero chance to live. Paul was a born fighter with a never-say-give-up demeanor since his very first day on God's Green Earth. Paul indeed defied the Doctors visions and made it past the rearing stages of infancy ... and now despite having wee-legs that were much too small to hold up his 3 foot frame .... he was a healthy 10 year old child who was ...

..... trapped in ice!

Winter's impromptu storm had caught poor Paul off guard just like the rest of Michigan. Paul was alone in that cave, for Paul had no friends. The other children laughed at him and jeered him for being so short and for having such wee legs. The other children often casted rocks and stones at him simply because they felt he looked different than them. He was a loner, a small, cast-about, loner who always was by his lonesome.

"The only friend my son ever had is that mangy scrappy dog that always tagged alongside of him. He was a varmint that dog, I, I, I didn't let it in the house because I thought it might carry something, like a disease, you know? That scrappy mangy thing was Paul's only true friend ..." explained Paul's mother Heather.

That dog may have had matted hair and a funny eye .... but he was Paul's only voice to the outside world now that he had tumbled down a cave's hole and lay motionless and afraid. Paul asked the dog to find help .... to tell anyone ... anyone who'd listen that he was incapacitated in a cave's trench whilst the ever-encroaching icy hand of old man winter clawed at him in his crippled state.

"Please, Isaliah, please, your a good dog and I know you can get this message out ... please tell anyone who'll listen that I'm trapped in a cave and cast-upon by winter's icy clutches.. Please"  implored Paul to his trusty dog.

The ice filled up the crevice he had tumbled into, soon the ice and snow had accumulated up to his neck, and only his poor bullum head could be seen above the cool embrace of snow. Paul openly inwardly wondered if this is a fate best suited for a child no one ever loved .... a child cast out by the other children for being odd in appearance. He wondered if this prison of ice was actually where he belonged ... the ice couldn't judge him, the snow couldn't cast upon rocks upon him, the snow and ice may be cold but they were kinder to him than any friend he ever had.  

Was this where he belonged? Was this Cold Abyss of Ice and Snow where he was destined to find peace? The cold made his body numb, it was somewhat painful, but unlike when children throw pebbles at him, this pain from the icy abyss was almost peaceful in comparison. Lying numb in the cold embrace of Ice .... Paul thought that maybe the outside world was the real Abyss and this Embrace of Ice was where he really belonged...

.... but then he switched gears. He remembered as a small new-born the doctors telling his parents that this child was meant to die .... that his body was too weakened and cast-about from the painful embryonic stages which saw the umbilical  chord get wrapped around his neck and cutting off much needed oxygen to his young brain and body.

How was this different than untangling that umbilical chord? How was this ice prison any different than being ushered into a world where everyone expected him to die? Ever since he was a baby, Paul didn't understand that word Death ... and this whirling prison of ice and snow was no different than anything he hadn't conquered before. He braced tight and went into total meditation ... the Ice became his Eyes .... the Snow became his Ears .... he became the Abyss.

To defeat your enemy ... you must become your enemy ... and now that Paul was the Abyss all ways became One to Him. His mind wandered and he entered a dreamscape. He was surrounded by frozen children, hair bleached from the snow and ice to be as white as cloth. The children told Paul ...

"Paul, we are the Children of the Ice .... we all perished in an icy grave hoping someone would come save us ... please Paul ... breathe .... hold out for one more hour .... and .... tell .... our story." The children told him.

Paul did thus that, he braced himself and waited in this veritable Icy Tomb. Once again he started to lose consciousness ... but in the back of his mind he could hear the faintest murmur of the barking of a stray dog ....

....... "Isaliah?"

Yes Paul, it was Isaliah, your only friend on this earth barking and re-entering the scene of your icy demise ... and behind her was your mother and the Michigan State Authorities who were primed and ready to lift you out of that Icy Abyss.

As they freed you Paul they noticed something peculiar ...

....."What?"

Your hair had turned bleached white as white as cloth! It confounded the authorities and when they returned the child to town it confounded the local medical people as well. Why would his hair turn white like that with no way of going back?

His mother implored they take him to the local East Lansing barber to cut the white disheveled locks from the boy's scalp .... yet Paul vehemently refused!

"NO!" He shouted.

"No, my hair will remain White as the Ice for as long as I live! It will remain this way to remind the world about all those children who weren't as lucky as me and who died in the Icy Abyss after being trapped in a lake or a ravine of horrible ice and snow! Every time someone looks at my sheer white hair they will remember that it could happen to any child! Any child can get trapped in some ice! Their memories are not lost! They live on in the survivors! Survivors like ME! And if those punks at school want to throw rocks at me for having white hair then so be it ... for now I am the Abyss .... and rocks cannot hurt me .... and your scorn has no effect on me. I am Ice! I am the Abyss ... and the memories of all Children Trapped in Ice LIVE ON INSIDE MEEEEEE!!!!!!" -proclaimed Paul Strohmayer

All the children, parents, and authorities clapped for Paul after his resounding heart-felt plea, and when asked by reporters what he planned on doing now that he was free from the veritable cold prison of cold death he said...

".... Well, lady. I'll tell you one thing. You'll never catch my ass in that stupid cave again."


END



Blammo! Yeah. Take that, Blank Page, you said I couldn't do it? Yeah right! I even worked in some kid with the Green Hair shit in there. I was all over that piece! Yes.




Conclusion

Fake News? It used to mean something. Now? It's just a buncha frizzle, frazzle, razzle, dazzle, n' gimmicks.

Back in the day people used to put actual EFFORT into fake news. You kids these days .... you don't even know what the word EFFORT even means!

Monday, April 3, 2017

My Favorite Twitter Feed

Twitter is a hard venue for entertainment because of the 140 character limit but that limit also makes twitter what it is. You get to work with a 140 character statement, or a funny photo, or a stupid GIF ... and that's the only tools you can use to be entertaining on Twitter.

It's a good site, I find it is a great way to stay abreast on the world around me, to be wicked honest. I turn off the regional filters on trending topics on social media so I can get a sense of what is really buzzing around the globe concerning human matters. If you don't turn off the regional filters you will just get things that are happening around your town. It helps to keep a couple of good news sites, or political oriented people in your feed list, and then you can stay decently on top of what the heck is going on.

I like Twitter, I think it's a different vibe than facebook .... both have their pros and cons. You can write long counter-points to news stories or whatnot on Facebook which on twitter you can't do. So it has it's ups and downs but in general I cruise the twitter-sphere more often than the facebook-sphere I'd say.

Alright so, this article is not concerning the news/world-events related part of twitter, this article is going to explore who I think are the most entertaining twitter feeds on Twitter.

I narrowed it down to three finalists. The runners up for the prize of Best Twitter Feed in My Opinion are George Wallace and the Iron Sheik. The winner will be declared lower down in the article (or you could scroll down and see who it is if your sitting there with the most bated of breaths).



BRONZE MEDAL: George Wallace

Entertainment Genre: Comedy
Favorite "Feud": w/ Scott Baio

Feed: https://twitter.com/mrgeorgewallace

George Wallace is a fairly legendary stand up comedian. I've seen him live once and he is genuinely good at his craft, he's a great stand up comic and probably in my top 10 of all time ... but his twitter feed? It's definitely in my top 3 of all time. His comedic formula translates to 140 characters so well. His rapid fire opinions on anything at all really work with a 140 character limit ... he can fit a lot of content into short statements.

I've realized of late that to be a funny person you need to really personalize and be unique to be successful. There will only ever be one Rodney Dangerfield for instance, no one else can be him, you can impersonate him but there's only one him .... there's only one Gilbert Gottfried, you can try and talk like him and copy his mannerisms but there's only one Gilbert ... and George Wallace is the same, his idiosyncrasies and uniqueness can be mimicked by others but there will only be one George Wallace.

The best Twitter feud for Wallace, was one I watched unfold live, where George Wallace took on "Charles in Charge" star Scott Baio. The New York Daily News did a good write up of it the next day,

See: George Wallace Wrecks Scott Baio (NYDN Aug. 2016)

They state, "Not even the Fonze could help", and declared Wallace the winner of the twitter scuffle. I like when feuds end with a handshake and goodwill like this one did, in this case concerning the veterans, because it shows good sportsmanship by both parties.

So, for the thousands of short-burst statements that use only 140 characters or less which have made hundreds of thousands of people laugh so many times ... the legendary comic George Wallace is the Bronze medal winner



SILVER MEDAL: The Iron Sheik
Entertainment Genre: Bat Shit Anger and the Hurling of Invective at Everything and Everyone
Favorite "Feud": w/ Jose Canseco

Feed: https://twitter.com/the_ironsheik


You can say the Sheik feed is getting repetitive, but I do not care, there will never be a day before either myself or He pass on from this mortal realm where I will not click the Heart or the Like on something the Iron Sheik media feed spits out. It's the best. It's the friggin' best.

My first encounter with anything related to the Iron Sheik was as a very small child I had a Panini WWF sticker book, the ones where you buy packs of stickers and try to collect them all and paste them in the book .... and I had every sticker except one. I was missing the second half of the Iron Sheik two-sticker layout on one of the pages and that book stayed 99% complete ... I never got the other half of the Iron Sheik and it was annoying.

My childhood video store (remember those relics of the past!?) had a whole section devoted to WWF and I would rent one every week until I saw them all. I had a full historical account of everything that happened in every major WWF pay-per-view event by the time I was about 11 years old. I was familiar with the work of the great Iron Sheik and was always aware of what a colorful character he was.

Like everyone else, in modern times, when Sheik re-emerged onto the pop scene after releasing a youtube interview where he threatens to sodomize B. Brian Blair, I was so happy that he was famous again. His appearances on Howard Stern are some of the funniest moments in media I've ever seen. He was so angry and so hilarious in those interviews. It was great.

My favorite feud, and with Sheik I mean he's tweeted angry hate-filled statements at probably every celebrity under the sun, so it's hard to narrow it down to one ... but I don't want to do Bette Midler or somebody ... I want to write about Jose Canseco because he was close to making this list too. Jose Canseco is definitely top 5 in twitter feeds.

Canseco tweets about .... oh wow, I don't even know what the fuck this guy is talking about half the time. He's deeply interested in colonizing Mars and trouble shooting all sorts of space flight difficulties. He uses a lot of science words but I'm not sure he knows what any of them actually mean. If someone is gonna be successful in sticking a jabroni on Mars it's probably gonna be that Elon Musk ... but don't rule out Jose Canseco and his Mars colonization theories ... who knows maybe he'll surprise us all and figure out how to terraform Mars whilst Elon Musk is twiddling his thumbs. I heard he got a job in media with the A's, I think, if that's true I am happy for Jose Canseco ... a lot of baseball people don't like him but I think Jose's a good guy.

Anyways, The Sheik and Canseco took some bites out of each other a few times, the largest bites coming in 2012,

See: The Iron Sheik and Jose Canseco Twitter Beef (Deadspin, Sept. 2012)

I've never seen a person refer to another person as being dumber than a dead dog or smelling worse than a dead dog's shit before this. The Iron Sheik is the Silver Medal recipient.



GOLD MEDAL: Mr. T
Entertainment Genre: Helluva Tough
Favorite "Feud": w/ Mr. T

Feed: https://twitter.com/MrT

The great Mr. T, star of the A-Team and Rocky III, has only really starting tweeting a lot only of late. Ever since he signed on to fight for the children of St. Judes and Shriners Hospitals on ABC's smash hit TV Show "Dancing with the Stars" .... He has begun keeping his legions of supporters updated on his day to day progress via his twitter feed ... and .... it is so INSPIRATIONAL!

This guy is inspiring the absolute heck out of everyone! He's pumped, man. PUMPED! YEAH!

Me? I'm inspired, I cannot tell a lie, I am INSPIRED to be more than I can be ... EVERYDAY! I know I can be better .... I can be a more better writer and a more better person! Yes.

Mr. T does not have a Feud to speak of because that's not how the man rolls. He doesn't work like that, that schoolyard stuff is not how T operates. His feud is with HIMSELF ... to better himself every day. He's not competing with the other stars on Dancin' with the Stars ... he's competing with himself in order to become a good dancer.

Mr. T does not want to pity any fools, or pity the judges, from his tweets we know he is in this 100% and wants to win for the children. There is no pity in his heart for the other contestants such as the multi-talented Charo or David Ross of the 2016 World Series Winning Chicago Cubs.

This journey to becoming a good dancer and raising money for the children's hospitals is being self-journaled on his twitter feed and it is a story in itself. His feed is inspiring to all those who follow it.

Will he win Dancing with the Stars, I'm not sure, but after seeing his recent appearance on the Conan O'Brien program I could tell he's going into DWTS Week #3 rip-rock-and-raring to dance! Yes, and just like the kids of St Jude Hospital, the kids of Shriners Hospital, The Great Great Man Sylvester Stallone, the Great Great Man William Shatner, and millions and millions of Americans ... I am 100% behind MR. T in his dancing endeavor!