Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Crime and Punishment: Too Much Media Attention for Losers Who Kill People?

Does the media give too much fame and attention to the lives of losers and cowards who murder innocent people? Yes they do.

Personal Pre-Amble

Gonna start with a personal observation from my life experience pool before anything else on this topic.

One time I attended a sporting event where a fan ran onto the field in a leopard skin speedo and started to steal the bases on the baseball field at Olympic Stadium. I was laughing and it only lasted about a minute or so.

When I got home I was expecting to see it talked about and shown in the post game reports or on ESPN or TSN or whatever...but interestingly NO ONE even mentioned it.


Because bodies like the NFL and MLB have a strict no broadcast rule for people running onto fields. They don't put the cameras on them during live broadcasts and do not talk about them in news reports on the event afterwards. That's official written-in-stone policy for most if not all sporting bodies.

The reasoning is simple. If people at home see this behavior talked about or promoted on TV...they will see it as a way to gain fame and notoriety for themselves and copy the behavior. Thus, these fans who engage in shenanigans on the playing field ARE NEVER RECORDED ON VIDEO OR MENTIONED EVER AGAIN.

It works too. It's increasingly rare to see anyone do this behavior anymore. There's no more Kissing Bandits or leopard skin speedo jabronies running on fields like in the 80s and 90s. In the 80s they promoted the behavior of the "Kissing Bandit" and it became a method of becoming famous. Streakers were huge in the 90s.....we don't see many streakers anymore either. Mainly because they aren't given attention if they streak these days.

The ban on giving attention to fans who rush the field has 100% worked. It is very rare to see this behavior now a days.

Attention Directed at Stupid Fucking Loser Nobodies who Murder Innocent People

Why did they do it? Who were they? What did their friends and family have to say about why they did it? Blah blah blah blah blah. They talk about these losers for MONTHS at a time.

Why stop at talking about them? Why not make a stupid fucking movie about them too? Make them some mis-understood protagonist or some fucking bullshit in a made-for-tv-movie about their dumb and stupid lives. On and on and on...

....we'll actually probably never stop hearing about these stupid fucking nobodies. We're gonna here about this Oregon loser now for the next two years. It's friggin' ridiculous.

There should be a federal ban on this type of reporting. If you make these people into famous mis-understood heroes and give them the fame and notoriety they are seeking...then you're creating a climate where this behavior is being promoted to other isolated maniacs.

If next school shooting the report went like this:

"A Coward and loser, who will remain unnamed due to publication ban, killed innocent people and himself today. You can donate money to victims families at this following address. Our thoughts are with the deceased." -(hypothetical news report)

No photo of the loser, no name, no nothing. No fame, no glory, no anything. Doesn't that make more sense? No made-for-TV-movie, no in-depth report on his motives or whatever was going through his stupid head. No notoriety of any kind attached to that person....AT ALL.

Now in the case that the assailant is not deceased after the attack this ban obviously could not be applied. The public has to know if there are maniacs on the loose...and in the case where they are put behind bars...the public has a right to know the crimes committed by an individual if they are ever released back into the public. This hypothetical ban would only apply to assailants who were deceased after the incident.

If a man-hunt is on for a un-apprehended criminal then this hypothetical ban would obviously not be in-place. Wanna make it clear it would only be if the assailant died in the incident.


If a loser murders innocent people....and also dies in the incident...the name of that person and photographs of him (or her....chicks can be serial killers too) will not be allowed in the press in order to not attribute fame to an individual for dubious reasons.

Makes sense? No?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Montreal Baseball Fever is Mounting....and Will Likely Continue to Mount like Crazy

The Red Sox (one of the BIGGEST teams in baseball) is on board for what seems to be becoming a tradition of the Blue Jays hosting exhibition games on April 1st and 2nd at Montreal's Olympic Stadium...the ex-home of the Ex-Expos.

Baseball Legend, Cro, with owner and president of Red Sox
The official spokesman for the return of the Expos to Montreal, Mr. Warren Cromartie, President of the Montreal Baseball Project was in Boston a few weeks ago finalizing details to get the Red Sox to barn storm north of the boarder to the barren baseball-less city of Montreal where fans really want that baseball back. His mission seems successful as the Red Sox organization was excited at the idea of coming here to play some good ol' ball games.

We had the Mets come play here in 2014, where both teams honored the life of Gary Carter. They also invited the roster of the 1994 Expos to the pre-game ceremony and everyone collectively flipped out to see those dudes again.

Vlad, The OC, and the Mayor in 2015
We had the Reds come play two games here in 2015, Tony Perez and others came to hang before the game....but during the second game....VLAD showed up....and everyone collectively flipped again. Tim Wallach's son got to dress for that game for the Reds and got to see his dad's old stomping grounds and the fans gave a standing ovation to Chad Wallach because they remembered and liked his dad so much. It was fun, it was good, everyone had a good time at it.

In 2016, thanks to Cromartie's trip to Boston, it is 100% confirmed that the team coming to the Big O next year will surely be the Boston Red Sox. The Red Sox are very popular here in Montreal...mainly I think due to their championship seasons and it probably has a lot to do with Pedro "sharing his ring" with us when he won one with the Sox.

Pedro back at Big O (circa 1999)
I remember the first time I saw the Red Sox at the Big O, it was 1999 and interleague play was still a new fangled thing-a-ma-bob. The pitcher at the game I was at for the Sox was none other than Pedro Martinez, the guy who won the only Cy Young in Expos history for Montreal two years prior in 1997. We friggin' crushed Pedro in that game (box here)...well he only gave up 4 runs over 6 innings...we crushed Mark Portugal and Mark Guthrie more than we did Pedro. I remember that game, I even remember where I was sitting and everything. It happened like over 15 years ago too.

Things are Gettin' Nuts, Yo.

I saw baseball legend Ellis Valentine tweet something today while I was at work to a sports writer. Valentine, who comes up for these games to sit with the fans in attendance and watch the ball game and reminisce and chill and everything, tweeted that he might have to sit in the "nose-bleeds" this year round. ("Nose bleeds" refers to the altitude being so high that your nose starts bleeding. It means bad seats. It's those seats Bob Uecker sits in when he drinks Miller Lites. It's those Uecker seats).

Why? Because after being on sale for ONE SINGLE DAY....both games are almost 100% SOLD OUT. Wow. If you live in Montreal or want to travel here to watch these games you better buy your tickets right now because they went like HOT CAKES, MAN. They sold like hot cakes.

I've sat in the "400s" before over the years, I sat there for the Reds games this year...I never took no elevator as Ellis Valentine states in that tweet exists. I didn't know there was one. I always walk up those winding gray cement pathways. I actually liked doing it this year too. Walking with all the other fans and seeing all the Expos hats and shirts...seeing old people with hats and jackets that looked worn in and like they bought those Expos hats in like 1985...and seeing young kids with new shiny Expos gear. I liked being with those people. Those are my people, they really are.

Every year I write an article about these exhibition games and every year I predict that 100K will come over the course of 2 games. Both years they came close with well over 90K both times...this year we hit 96K a mere four thousand off of getting One Hundred Thousand Baseball Fans over two days.

This year I am not predicting/speculating/prognosticating 100 thousand fans...I am 100% GARAUNTEE-ING that 100K will be there over the course of two days at the Big O in 2016 for Red Sox versus Blue Jays. Mark my most humble of human words on that.

I love you, Baseball. I seriously seriously do.

I got a sinking suspicion that Pedro might be honored before one of these games. I haven't heard anything official....but there are rumors abounds that Hall of Famer and all-around legend Pedro Martinez will be back at the Big O in 2016.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Toxic Perspective: A Brief Look into Lethal Doses of Thangs

Gonna right a short one just to point something out. Social media is wigging out loose over something that I'm not sure the average hippie/jabroni/mongoloid really understands.

The main conspiracy/natural/organic sites and publications are running wild with news that California is putting a warning label on products that contain glyphosate. It's a very scary sounding chemical and the natural-conspiracists are having a field day with this.

All I want to do here is make a little chart which will list common crap we expose ourselves to everyday and what the general consensus is on what is the Median Lethal Dose of those substances.

Term Define:

What is Median Lethal Dose? Or LD50? It is the amount of a substance that if consumed by a human guy or human lady...will more than likely result in the death of that person.

I've had many jobs where I've worked with chemicals and I know how dangerous they can be...but I also know that it will actually take a fuck load of them in a lot of cases to kill you. I got that Heirloom Furniture Stripper (or some such product) in my eyes, big time once. The old formula too...the new formula smells worse but it won't even fuck you up at all.

Yo, my brush was hardened from the last time I was using it and I pushed the brush to the bottom of the container of stripper I was using to force the brush to open up and un-harden...and it did...but really fast and it shot the stripper up into my eyes. Yo, I still remember that...and my memory is stupid. I remember that pain like it was yesterday...maybe the top pain event I can think of. So much of it and directly in the eyes...it was like burning and burning. I was jumping mad...I thought I was gonna go Super Saiyan or some shit, g. It was bad.

Ya, and one time....I swallowed deck bleach by accident while I was water sealing a deck. It tasted bad, bleach, fuck.

I dunno, I can attest that chemicals are very bad for you and dangerous but I mean...I'm still fucking alive...I'm not even that scared of them, really.

Anyways this isn't important, it's just a personal preamble....okay, here is a list of various substances and their Median Lethal Dose.

LD50 Chart 

Consuming this amount of the following, WITHOUT VOMITING or pee-ing or sweating anything out, will very likely spell the end for you....

These are denoted in mg/kg (this stat means how much of it in grams into how much you weigh in kilos) and the list is in descending order from safest shit to least safest shit to consume. We'll start with water and work our way down, okay?

(with mg/kg...let's say you weigh like 170 pounds or 77 kilos....you'd have to multiply the mg/kg by your weight of 77 kilos to find out how many mg will kill you. For example salt is 3000mg times 77 which is 231K in mg or about 231 grams. It would take 231 grams in one sitting of just eating salt by the spoonful to kill more than half of all people who weigh 77 kilos)

I love these stats...they are like Dragon Ball Z power levels. The higher the number the safer it is, okay?


Water: Too big for mg/kg...You need to drink about 8 liters or 1.5 gallons without puking/sweating/peei-ing to overdose on water. Unless a body was rendered unable to sweat or pee or puke I don't think you really can overdose on water.

Table Sugar: 29700 mg/kg (about 150 table spoons in one sitting without barfing will do it)

Vitamin C: 11900 mg/kg (it's hard to OD on OJ but it is possible)

Alcohol (ethanol): 7060 mg/kg. (About 20 hard shots without vomiting or without getting your stomach pumped may kill you.)

Table Salt: 3000 mg/kg (about 14 table spoons without pukin')

THC (the muscle relaxant in weed): 1270 mg/kg

Arsenic: 763 mg/kg

Vitamin D3 (Cholecalciferol): 352 mg/kg

Aspirin: 293 mg/kg

Caffeine: 192 mg/kg (About 100 cups of coffee)

Cyanide (the stuff from James Bond movies): 6.4 mg/kg

Nicotine: 1 mg/kg (yup smokin' is bad for you)


Those are the toxic levels of dosage for stuff around us that we've heard about. Note that things like Vitamin D3 indeed are very toxic but our body needs it in small doses or you'll get rickets and gait. Our body needs all kinds of scary sounding things in small doses to be healthy like iron, zinc and other metals, even.

Nicotine is very toxic but you're not getting a lot of milligrams from smoking one cigarette. Still, I would rank smoking as the least healthy thing you can probably do. It really is.

So I'm not showing you these lethal doses to scare you...Vitamin D3 is low on the list but it's not something to be scared of.

So where does Glyphosate, the substance California is putting warning labels on, fit on the LD50? It's about 5000 mg/kg...putting it between salt and alcohol. It's lethal dose isn't that insane.

"If it's 'Safe' You Should DRINK IT, Smart Guy!!"

I was watching a video the other day where a natural-conspiracy type is saying to some old business PR-looking guy...that if glyphosate is safe then why don't you drink it, Mr. Man!? In my opinion, that man shouldn't drink it to prove its safety as a pest-control substance....there's no reason for him to drink a glass of glysophate to appease people's worries.

My response to that would be...well, you naturoes use animal shit to fertilize your plants while they are in the fields...if you think animal shit is safe to use on the plants we eat...then why don't you prove it's safe by eating a handful of manure?

I think people should start drinking glyphosate to prove this silly point ONLY after organic people eat shit to prove shit fertilizer is safe to use in fields.

What's that? You're not going to eat a bowl of manure? Well then why are you using it on the food I eat? You're not gonna eat a bowl of pathogen infested shit to ease my concerns of organic farmers using poop to grow food for people (AND CHILDREN) to put in their precious human bodies?

In the end, that logic gets us no where. Look, I'll eat food that was fertilized with shit and I'll eat food that had bugs kept off it with glyphosate. Neither is something that really scares me...I wash my fruits and stuff anyway before I eat on them.

IMPORTANT: If you Think you are Poisoned!

Drink water! Vomit! And Call your Doctor or poison control! It's not a joke...I'm not trying to say poison is safe by any means...I'm just trying to put the LD50s into context. If you really ever do get poisoned and shit then remember those three things. It's like STOP n' DROP n' ROLL for fire...but it's for poison...it is...

1. Drink Water
2. Puke
3. Call your Doctor or Poison Control

I'm not trying to say poison is safe...I'm just saying that, sometimes I don't think the Organic/Natural community really understands chemistry. Everything on earth is a fucking chemical. Our bodies evolved to feed off of some of these chemicals (oxygen, water, and other shit) so people who think they can live a chem free life don't understand anything about the world around them.

You can over dose on all sorts of stuff and die. The science right now that is available is placing glyphosate in the region of pretty safe to have exposure to. That can change, but as of right now it is not known to be a fantastically dangerous chemical.

You know, I've had strong chemicals pretty much burn out my eyes...I've felt bleach work its way through my system....I know how fucking awful these dangerous chems can be...but when it comes to this particular chem...I'm not sure glyphosate is as crazy dangerous as the Naturals make it out to be. Its LD50 is pretty chill.

Would I drink a glass of glyphosate? No, I wouldn't...I'm not stupid. Probably tastes bad. Then again, I wouldn't eat a bowl of manure either. Both of these are used in fields to help grow crops and whatever residue, if any, that is left on the produce before I eat it...is negligible and I'm not scared of it because (A) I know it's not a lethal amount and (B) I run water all over fruits and vegetables before I eat them to get any weird stuff that's on them off (like crap from the farm or people who handled them).

I'm not a schill, I'm not anything. This is my opinion. I don't get any money from anyone at all to write opinions in this blog. I don't like these big companies either, I'm not on their side. I just honestly don't think the organic crowd has any grasp on reality sometimes. Like, you can argue with a scientist about facts but you can't argue with a natural/organic person because they really don't have any concrete knowledge loaded into their brains to work with other than conspiracies they've read on the internet.

They really have a "Boy Who Cried Wolf" thing going on. What if glyphosate really is bad but the Natural-Conspiracy-Enthusiasts have just been so offensively misguided over the years that everything they say is taken by anyone with intelligence as being automatically wrong. I don't think it's constructive for them to have distanced themselves so far from rationality to the point where no one can take them seriously anymore.

What if the Natural/Organic weirdos really do have an important and correct concern to voice one day but years of nonsense will act as a miasmic wall which will prevent anyone from taking them seriously? They've crossed the Boy Cried Wolf line so long ago...what if one of their concerns actually does hold merit one day? There's no chance in hell anyone would take it seriously after the years and years of offensively misleading nonsense they promote.

Whatever, what can you do?

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Baseball: Supination Vs. Pronation

I didn't watch baseball for like 10 years. From 2004 to 2014. When my team (Expos) moved I didn't watch it or follow it anymore. I play baseball sometimes for fun and stuff but I didn't follow it for a full decade.

The exhibition games in Montreal lately and the talk and the Cro and the mayor and everyone trying to get the team back has me following it again big time. It's different  now than 10 years ago I can tell you that much. I can say WITH CERTAINTY from what I see that most if not all of the roids are gone....at least the whacky whacky hormone ones at least.

There's things in the baseball world I missed a lot...and now that there's some hope that my team might come back....I gotta follow it again. I like the Royals, I like the Mets....I like those pitching teams...I love how the Royals run the bags.

I miss this shit, man. I do.

I wanna talk some baseball, I really fucking do, I want to talk more about the science end of the game right now though instead of something funner. I've been reading shit's that getting me up into a jabroni of a tizzy lately, I must say. I want to rap loose about the Supination vs. Pronation debate...which is not very talked about...outside of hardcore mechanic circles.

I want to first define what Supination is and what Pronation is before we even get started because... if you follow this debate online the main search result is: "What is Pronation?" and we can't have a buck debate if most maw flippers don't even know the terms even.

I'm interested in this lately because Science is coming into the equation here and it's not looking pretty. I'm not happy with University people's "findings" and the articles being published in accredited academic journals at this point. All the S vs. P meta-data journal articles were done on CADAVERS (non-living bodies)...the findings are close to useless and absurd. I'm just gonna tell you straight up what the heck all this crap is. Okay?

Let's Define These Terms of Terms


What the heck is Supination? In pitching mechanic terms we gonna deal with arms so....Supination is the act of turning the arm out as you make your arm motion....you corkscrew your arm out pointing away from yourself. It is the act of turning it "Out" and that's basically it. It's not hard to understand what Supination is.

When I was a kid at grade school, kids used to impress each other and make each other flip by turning their hands back or I used to curdle my fingers into my hand sorta...we called it beng "Double-Jointed" but that was just nonsense talk. You CAN stretch like this...it's hard...you don't need "two-joints" but you can. The thing is...why would you want to?

Now, what is Pronation?


Well if you're not OUT then you IN like Doug Flynn, no? Basically, yeah. Every human on earth who has arms...I'd say 99.9999% of humans with functioning arms....can turn their dumb arms In pretty much a billion times easier than they can turn their arms Out.

This lady for instance can pronate to the point of the arm being upside down:

She's not "double jointed"

In like Flynn
She can do that because that's Humans base setting...we can turn In WAY MORE than we can turn Out. If she would have tried to go Upside Down with her arm by going Outwards she would have done an incredible  amount of damage to her body. Turning In to go around is actually pretty easy. That's just the base setting of the Humanistic Body As Such...we can go In with our dumb arms but we can't go Out.

Try it right now...try to Upside Down your Arm by going In/Towards yourself and see how far you get...now try to Upside Down your Arm by going Out/Away from your body....which one was easier? Yeah if you're like any other person then In/Towards was way easier and you got farther.

That's just how our bodies are...it's plain fact. Plain as day. plain as rain. The Arm can go In way better than it can go Out. Get used to it.

What Does this Mean?

Many baseball pitches rely on Supinating the arm..an act which is not compatible with the human body. Coaches want the arm out and the hand back...both are unnatural motions to us...yet pitchers are expected to train the supination muscles in the arm to the point where they can endure throwing 100+ pitches every 4-7 days (plus training and warm up pitches). Many have trained these muscles to do that and it is downright an act of masochism.

Maybe they love the pain, I dunno. I've worked very hard jobs in my life...and I can attest that a body will develop a Love for Pain...and it feels good to deal with it and feel it and grow from it...but we have to factor in that injuries to pitchers and time spent on the disabled list is something that happens to almost every pitcher at some time in their life at this present time. Scouts, owners, coaches and the like get heart attacks when their gem of a young arm gets injured. Can pitchers who are impervious to injury be developed? Nope. Can you develop pitchers less likely to get devastating injuries? Yes.

The Scientists are getting into it and their findings so far have been jabroni-esque, I will say, many of their published findings are in the terrain of... "oh Pronation 'aint shit, baby" sort of angles...but like I said these articles being published have been on cadavers. They cut up dead arms to see how developed the S-Muscles and the P-Muscles were in dead dudes. It is data that I don't consider relevant.

Yes, as the cadaver data suggests, you can train Supination muscles to be wicked powerful and tough but you're still dealing with muscles that are not designed to do the task being assigned to them. If the dead arms had over-developed Soup muscles then good for them....it doesn't change the actual facts for living (non-dead) humans.

If you throw soup pitches for long periods of time you WILL damage your body... an incredible amount.... no matter how much you've trained those muscles. You cannot make dat funk da p-funk!

Let's Look at Two Pitches, Ok?

I'm gonna use the top Google search videos for the two popular pitches in question and then go from there....Okay?

A Supination Standard Curve Ball:

This man is teaching the 12-6 curve and he's telling kids not to "turn the door knob" too much (OUT) although the pitch is designed with the hand opening out on release...and even though he says kids shouldn't snap off and "turn the door knob" (why are door knobs designed for supination? good question)...that's how you sell this sucker...that's how you get the fuck spin off this shit...you turn the door knob on it...you SNAP OUT....you whip out and snap off OUTWARDS with the hand. This is a poorly designed pitch.

A Pronation Screw Ball (again the first how-to google result video I got, nothing fancy):

Haha, he uses the word Pronation in it. I couldn't have asked for two better videos and they just happened to be the top google search terms for "how to throw curve" and "how to throw screw."

When the screwball first came out, people hated it, it was such a break from the normal procedure that everyone thought it was so stupid...but it is designed for a HUMAN BODY and not some kind of backward ALIEN body.

It's not new to baseball....Carl Hubbell, Tug McGraw, Mike Marshall, and Fernando Valenzuela amongst others mastered it and had amazing careers. None of them had Tommy John to replace the supination muscles....in fact one of those names in the above sentence introduced Tommy John surgery to Tommy John (my homeboy Marshall). The Man of the Science Mike Marshall introduces the Baseball World to the Science World with that recommendation to Tommy John.

Semantics get in the way a bit too. Japanese pitchers love the screw ball but they refer to it as the "Shootoh" or the "Gommu Gommu No Shootoh Sanzen Sakai Hyakuhachi Poundo Ho." The Japanese LOVE the screwball and understand the science of it. Basically, "Shooto" is the name for "screw ball" in Japan. It's not, in any way/shape/form a different pitch.... it is literally the screw ball... so all the Japanese guys who throw the Shoot-Oh are screw ballers too. Watch Dice-K whip a "Gyro-Ball" which is another fancy fucking name for the screw ball:

From the 9 second mark to the 11 second mark you can see his hand go towards himself instead of away. It is 100% a beautiful pronation pitch that doesn't destroy his arm. Whether you call it a "shoot-oh" a "gyro-barrooh" or a "100 pound dying pheonix three styles succession of my ancestors pitch" it's still the pronation break pitch in physical terms.

That's the shit he threw in Japan but when he came here to the West...he had to become a standard Curve/Change/Fast/Slider pitcher.....and what did you ("you" as in those who paid him to come here) get out of it? Tommy John surgery, that's what. Let him throw two-seamers and shoot-ohs all day and he would have pitched for 10 more years for the Red Sox.

Dice, who I saw pitch as a Met at those Jays/Mets exhibtion games in Montreal live and in the flesh before they sent him to Vegas....he looked good but.. like a fish out of water, I knew something was wrong with my boy ...this Legend was okay from the age of 19-25 in the Nippon League but only lasted two full years in the American League? Why? They wanted to change his shit and they fucked up their investment. His two-seamer and shoot-oh/gyro/screwball (whatever you want to call it) combo would have lasted another decade before breaking down. Well, then again maybe he would have got homesick and went back....he's a human... when thinking in retrospect.... it's not all this "would've this and could've that business" ..though I'm sure his demotion to Las Vegas (the Macau of the West) wasn't all that of a terrible ordeal for him.

I remember, Irabu, he pitched for Montreal and probably had fun....but a as a Yankee he was tormented into suicide. He blew his head off, as my friend Hide the Ultra Bide told me. Homesick is a real disease...so I can't just say in regards to anyone "this would have been or that would have been" ..... Rest in Peace, Mr. Hideki Irabu, I saw you pitch in Montreal at Olympic Stadium live on three occasions... people think because I'm not religious that when people die it does not break my heart,, but, yeah, it does.

Sports and Science: The Universes Collide

I'm a Mister Inbetween when in comes to Sports colliding with Science. I love Science like shit and I love Baseball like crazy. I'm really a Mr. In Between when it comes to Soup versus Pro, g. In this collision of worlds...I'm like this:

Yeah, I mean...I understand the science types...they play with cadavers and dead bodies and pretend like they're smart....yet due to their non-hands-on experience they are maybe but mere jabronies. Oh wait, that song above is a little too old...I'm more modern-ish.... I'm more In Between like this kinda In Between.......

I am actually In Between. Baseball and Science are like literally my two favorite things and just like I can see why the Science World doesn't understand the Basball World... I can see why Baseball people don't like Sciencey-smart guys too. The good ole baseball boys have been doing their country-honed methods for a century and don't want any smarty pants g-units to tell them what they are doing wrong...but sadly they are doing a lot of things terribly wrong. They sit around and chew tobacco and pretend they are smart.... everyone in both worlds are sitting around just pretending they are smart... and never learning from one another.

Everyone pretends they are smart...but....when can both these worlds just Collide in Perfect Harmony? Can the things that are Right from the world of Science and the things that are Right from the World of Baseball just combine at some point and merge..and stop being perpetually In Between?


Pete Rose? Who cares, man. Honestly.

Mike Marshall is the black balled player who deserves to be a Hall of Famer. This guy deserves to have his name in the Hall of Fame....twice (for player and doctor).

Mr. In Between

Add-on Note ( Sept. 06/ 2015): I didn't find a good video of the slider the other day for one of those sections but here's a good explanation of the slider and the supination it requires to be effective: 

Like Carlton and Gibson mastered...this pitch has a nasty break that moves horizontally from one end to the other....but it requires a GREAT DEAL of soup to throw it and has a high risk factor when it comes to arm damage.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

In-Depth Opinion Piece: Joke Theft

I've been reading a lot about the concept of "Joke Theft" recently, it's a fairly interesting thing to think about.

I don't know if anyone's ever read the "Author's Info" or whatever in the Index Section of this blog-ee-oh-lee before but in that description of myself (which is mostly STOLEN verbatim from words Beetlejuice has said over the years)...I say something along the lines of "if you read something you like in this blog you can steal it if you want, I don't care" and then I stated a joke to finish that section off which went "If I was President I'd legalize stealing!" which is of course something I STOLE verbatim from a Rudy Ray Moore joke off of the album "Dolemite for President."

So yeah, I have an open attitude towards stealing of read-words by readers, or the stealing of heard-words by listeners, I'm not super offended by the whole idea of something I thought out and wrote being read and said/wrote by someone else. Why? Because that's what humans do.

I hope people understand by now that we evolved from monkeys and the saying "Monkey See - Monkey Do" really rings true for our kind. We learn from observing and we try things for ourselves through the act of mimicking things we've seen/heard/etc before. Stealing things we observe is literally what Humans do...that's the reason why we're the top species on earth is because we're really good at emulating and learning from each other.

There's no way around the stealing of "bits" or "jokes" or "concepts" or "ideas" because that's what we do. That's the cold hard facts.

Even though this isn't a popular publication I have goin' over here, have I ever been sorta angry when I've seen something I've wrote...100% verbatim....re-produced on some other medium...and sometimes on a BIG medium? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I do think some people  rip stuff off from this shitty obscure blog from time to time and some are pretty fucking famous to be honest....but even then...there's this sort of feeling of "WOW, that person reads this shit!? Cool" that goes on too. I'd say, all in all, seeing my ideas absorbed and re-vomitted back through another brain isn't that offensive to me.

I will say this:


If you grew up in the jungle away from any other humans and never learned to read/write and speak/understand any language then you'd be able to create without influence. Even then your creations would be based on things you've seen monkeys or wolves or something do in the wild. You'd make like bone-carvings out of animals you ate that look like trees or bugs you saw. Even a jungle-boy/jungle-girl, when you think about it, couldn't free themselves from outside influence.

What about a cave person? A child who grew up in a dark dark Patmos-style cave of some sort? You know, like a Poor Little Blind Girl, you know? A cave so dark she never learned to see, a cave so quiet that the poor girl never learned to hear? She eats mud and dirt and stuff. She knows "nothing about everything" but "everything about nothing"? Could she live an influence-free life? Yeah, maybe.

But us? Regular non-FacelessMay and non-N.Senada brand of humans? Can we live influence free lifestyles? NO! Us regulation non-cave-isolated humans have to abide by the laws of Monkey See and Monkey Do.....so get used to it.

If something works? We use it. If someone thinks up a good way to pick meat out of teeth, or get olives down from olive trees, or how to get from point a to point b faster....everyone will start doing it that way. Why? Because it's the best way to do it....and it works.

Look, I understand in the artistic world that intellectual property rights and identity exist and am not 100% for theft but I just want to show how hard it is not be a thief and many who accuse others of theft should think about how much shit they've stolen.

As a person who loves history, it's SUPER RARE that I can watch something and not say to myself...."oh that's like what whats-their-name does." A lot of things that "work" in show business are used for that reason...they work. You can get to the root of a lot of things that "work" and find out that these methods have been done for centuries.

Extreme Cases

I'd say I side with the defendant in about 70% of joke-theft cases. Due to the laws of Monkey See and Monkey Do...and knowing how hard it is not to be influenced by the world around you...I usually give the defendant leeway when reading about these cases and trying to form an opinion on it.

Sometimes, the case is so extreme that it's just ludicrous though. About 30% of theft cases are too effronterous to accept. I'm gonna throw out a few examples.

Jerry Lewis was A HUGE ACT back in the day and he had copy cats galore but none to the level of Sammy Petrillo who copied his voice, mannerisms, facial contorts, and hairstyle. Observe:

Petrillo, Bela Lugosi, and a Gorilla star in......oh boy.

I watched this movie the other day and it's actually pretty fucking good....but if I was Jerry Lewis....I'm sure I'd be fucking pissed that Petrillo is basically trying to pass himself off as being Jerry Lewis. It's not just a little theft here and little nip there....it's like ALL of his STUFF being ripped off.

Another case that I find offensive was young comic Mitch Mullany (who I first saw as "White Mike" on Wayans Brothers). Mitch died in 2008 and then the very next year a guy showed up and did Mitch's act in clubs....WORD FOR WORD....and ACTION FOR ACTION. Literally stealing the whole thing under the pretense of "oh well, he's dead, he doesn't need this act anymore." Because of the untimely death of the 39 year old Mullany...this theft that I read about really stood out as being extreme and fucking stupid. It's the blatant disrespect for the young man's death.

Even though I'm usually okay with borrowing, learning, adapting, and outright stealing material....there's some extreme cases where obviously it went WAY too far.

Yet on the opposite end....

Accusers Actin' the Fool

For someone to claim theft they must first claim to own whatever was stolen...and I've seen over the years people claim ownership to things that have made me think...."Really? you OWN that? How?"

I heard an interview once where, I think it was Jim Breuer, telling a story about how on SNL....the host was Matthew Perry and Perry was working on a bit with Norm MacDonald. Apparently, Perry wanted the bit to center around something he INVENTED called "Chandler-Speak" and Norm asked him what that was and after hearing Perry's explanation....witnesses claim Norm's response was....."Oh, you mean sarcasm?"

Yeah, it's pretty grandiose and...let's face it....retarded for Matthew Perry to claim to have invented sarcasm. That's beyond the pale. It really is beyond the pale.

Another one that got me scratching my head was a feud between Louis C.K. and Dane Cook. Now look, I know in comedy circles Dane Cook is like public enemy number one...but his target audience is a female audience and he works pretty well with that. I'm male (aged 25-35) and thus he's not my thing but I don't necessarily hate on the dude. I don't find him funny but I don't really dislike him as much as C.K., I mean with C.K.....this guy's bits are mostly penis-stuff, gross-out stuff, and other mundane shit that's standard fare....and yet somehow....Louis C.K. fans seem to think he invented penis jokes and things like that. I'm not sure a person can claim intellectual property patents on "My Ass Itches. Oh my god, my ass itches!" or "you're a penis-face!" or "I want to masturbate!" or "I wanna name my kid something funny!"

Naming your kid something funny? Wow that's original ass shit there Louis n' Dane. You both stole it.

Can you imagine a patent court setting and the plaintiff walks up and says..."Your honor, the defendant STOLE the concept of naming children funny names...and then had the nerve to talk about having an itchy butt!!" Yeah, okay there.

Speaking of Beavis and Butthead, Mike Judge once said people saying the words "[something] sucks" are ripping him off but I've seen that said in movies back in the 60s even. A good example that everyone's seen is GhostBusters where Bill Murray says something sucks a minimum of twice in the film. I like Mike Judge, and consider Beavis and Butthead to maybe be the greatest show of all time, but he did NOT invent the term of "[something] sucks." No way, Jose.

I can't find the clip from G-Bustas so here's him in Scrooged (circa 1988) using the term as well...

"Oh my gosh...does that suck."

The point of this section is....if someone is accusing someone of stealing then they are thus claiming ownership of a concept and claiming to literally OWN sarcasm, something sucking, itchy anuses, and other mundane things is pretty absurd to say the least.

It's naive too, I mean how can Perry for example really believe he invented sarcasm? What kind of an idiot can he be? Could he be any more of an idiot?

Rising to the Top

I don't want to hurt nobody's feelings or nothing, but it's safe to say that people at the top are not necessarily the most talented...but the most expert of thieves. Ninjas, even, if you will.

Word to the wise....just steal from more obscure sources and you should be safe from heat. Steal from weird-ass blogs, shit your co-workers say, guys from bars or the street...those are safe ass sources, g. No doubt.

I was watching that "Last Comic Standing" the other day and this Indian chick's opening joke was taken from the stupid "Epic Beard Man" video of that drunken maniac assaulting people on a bus. That video has been seen by millions of people....do you really think that's an obscure enough source to rob material from? Are you fucking stupid?

I watched an episode of a really shit Canadian show called "The Air Farce" once where they literally robbed a bit from SNL about Elton John almost 100% verbatim. Stealing from SNL is going to make a lot of people go..."wait a sec, I've seen this before...gimme a break." It's not a very hard to trace source.

You think the pros steal from things millions and millions of people are familiar with? NO! They get their "influences" from stuff maybe like 10-1000 people are familiar with...those 10-1000 people get mad that they recognize the bit-theft but there's still millions and millions of other viewers who don't get mad....those millions think it's wicked cool.


Basically, we have two choices....

A) Play off each other, learn from each other, share concepts with each other...and sadly...STEAL from each other. 

B) Live in a cave like N. Senada or that poor poor little blind girl from that Nomeansno song "Faceless May" and never be influenced by anything other than the feeling of cold on our sightless, audio-less, smell-less bodies.

I don't know 'bout you but I'm not going to live in some fucking cave. Fuck that shit.

(END NOTE: If everyone tries to have no influences all we'll have is surreal/absurdist comedy like the Williams Street people make. I like those shows but I wouldn't rank absurdist humor at the top of the list of comedy, to be honest. Wackiness can get old fast, the format is usually like 10 minute shows with the Williams cartoons. You can't work topical, or have a message with absurdist/surreal humor. Tim and Eric work over-the-top absurdist and it's original that's for sure but it wouldn't hurt them to have like a bit of structure. That "Bag Boy" of Steve Brule's show which had a story to it and thus some structure was one of the best things they've ever made, by far.

To achieve super-originality through absurdity and nonsense is often really really funny and it's unlikely someone will say "I've seen that before" while watching it...but it's like abstract art a bit...it's just whacky shit everywhere with no rhythm or reason. )

END NOTE 2: Conan is in the news for being sued for joke theft and the guy wants 600K, i don't know what value jokes have, I know Rodney and old timers paid the kids in the hall of clubs money for jokes, and I know Jackie Martling devised some joke-value system with Rodney that is not very scientific sounding ("I borrowed 1000 bucks from [Rodney] but I paid it back in JOKES").

That guy suing Conan, I don't know how someone can put something into the public sphere for everyone to absorb and then want 600K from people. If you wanted that joke to be TOP SECRET...THEN DON'T FUCKING TWEET IT, FUCK! If it's secret data worth 600K to you then why put it in the public for EVERYONE to see? Why not keep that six hundred thousand dollars worth of jokes under lock and key at the bottom of the sea...where no one can take it from you?

Also that dude "Fat Jew" guy is getting hype from joke theft, there's so much buzz around him and I'm pretty sure he paid for the buzz. Why everyone is helping him get buzz by talking about him endlessly is beyond me. They don't like him but they are giving him all the attention humanly possible.)

(Amendment: I re-found and re-read that datum where Mike Judge claims to have invented stuff sucking...and it seems to maybe be a joke. I'm unsure but decide for yourself: (John K. interviews Mike J.)

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Do Young Canadians have to Care about Politics?

Election season is in full swing up here in the "coolest" (literally the coldest) nation on earth....Canada.

The leaders are debating the big issues on the television screens, such as their official stances on "TV Shows" and "Movies" and other fascinating topics....

Golly gee whiz....I love TV Shows too!

This is what we get in Canada, so all you people hating on Trump down there in the states....try and imagine how Howdy Doody our election is. You Americans should be grateful for the entertainment value and debates surrounding your elections. You don't want what we have, we have people with the intelligence of five years olds debating each other up over here.

"Golly gee...Do you love TV Shows Mr. Prime Minister of Canada?"

"Well howdidly doodidly ms. Reporter, oh yes, I most certainly do love Movies and TV Shows. Thanks you kindly for asking me that."

I would love to have the media circus of an American election in Canada, believe me, your shit is so much better than our shit...so don't take it for granted. Believe me, you'll miss the circus if it ever leaves town, even though you don't appreciate it now.

If one day the media circus surrounding the American election disappeared and was replaced with Trump telling you what his favorite kind of jam is and how much he loves going ice skating on the lake up near his house...believe you me....you'll be angry. You'll wonder why the circus left town and was replaced with this boring obnoxious drivel.

The thing that gets my goat the most about the lame-wad Canadian election is that people get on my case for not taking this boring garbage seriously. I've never voted in my life, when I turned 18 I felt like I should vote but when I did go to vote I'd end up writing in old Expos baseball players on the ballot when I got to the booth because I didn't know what else to do.

When I tell people that I don't vote, especially old folks, they tend to get bent out of shape over that. They look at me like I'm some sort of social pariah with no brains for not caring about Canada's lame-wad political farce. I'm not even a "young voter" anymore and don't vote so it's like a double-faux-pas apparently, but I'm a chronic non-voter and I doubt anything will ever change that.

Alrighty so, I'm gonna harness the power of statistics in this opinion piece to try and show why the fuck I don't need to give a fuck about these dumbass leckshuns at all.

Young Canadians...Does your vote even Matter? 

Ok, first off we need to look at Canada's age demographics before we talk about anything else. This next link shows out of the 35.5 million dudes/chick/n' trannies that live in golly-gee jolly-gosh Canada what age group they are:

Stats (bad as) Can: http://www.statcan.gc.ca/tables-tableaux/sum-som/l01/cst01/demo10a-eng.htm

Young voters I will classify as being 18 to 30. Let's take a nice round number like 7 million to quantify "young voters" okay?

Now how many "old voters" are there? People from 31 to Soylent Green years old? Let's round it to a nice number like around 22 million.

Let's say 29 million people are voting age in Canada and young voters are 7 million of them. How is that on a pie graph? Let's take a look-see:

Beauty graph eh?

Now, it seems Young Jabronies are a pretty small piece of the votin' pie. It looks like Soylent Greeners are actually a big green Pac-Man like creature that is devouring Young Jabronies according to the data.

If you aren't familiar with statistics and sample-size and things like that... this might not have an effect on your young mind. I don't want be bursting bubbles up in here but this data is suffice to say that for every 1 vote the young people demo have...oldoes have 3 votes. 

Soylent Greeners have 3x more voting power than Young Jabronies do.

Speaking in realistic terms, young voters are a niche market that's barely even worth catering to for someone trying to win an election. From a strategic standpoint that's the reason why the Red Party (Liberals) have sunk down to third place in the polls. They are trying to get young voters to vote for them and young voters is a niche market not even worth investing any time in to try and cajole.

When Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake or Justin Trudeau or whatever the fuck his name is...goes on TV and talks about smokin' blunts and takes his shirt off to do boxing promos...all it does is turn off almost 75% of voters in order to cajole less than 25% of voters. It's a horrible strategy, whoever the Liberal strategist is...that person should be let go and fast.

From the data we can clearly see that Young People's voting power is not enough for anyone to take seriously and thus when Young Jabronies pretend they are important it's just annoying and dumb.

A Four Hundred Million Dollar Boring-Ass Dog and Pony Show

Next off, let's rap loose a little bit about money. This election as everyone knows is the most boring, howdy-doody, offensively condescending, loser-filled, freak fest LOAD OF NONSENSE on the face of the planet that no one with half a brain would pay any interest in...

....and yet...

Experts and members of Elections Canada predict this election will cost tax payers 400 million at the least. Now, American readers have to remember that Canada isn't a big deal like the states is and maybe that number doesn't seem large but if we look at population and GDP, we can see that Canada is such a miniscule region that this amount of money is a pretty large sum.

USA Population320 million
Canada Population: 35 million

USA GDP: 17 trillion
Canada GDP: 2 trillion

Canada is not a big Juggernaut of a nation by any stretch of the word yet its Elections cost their citizens 400 million dollars each time they engage in these shenanigans. It's not big enough of a Country to have such a long and circus-esque election season.

On top of it all, the 400 million price-tagged show payed by tax payers... IS NOT EVEN ENTERTAINING AT ALL! It's lamer than fuck. It's more boring than shit. It's something only the most mentally-neglected loser could find entertainment value in. It's atrociously boring.

It's an atrociously boring 400 million dollar rinky-dinkin' Dog an Pony show that tax payers have to pay for. It's offensive by all accounts.


Look Young Jabronies of Canada, for you people to invest even one iota of care into these election proceedings is a gigantic mis-use of your time. For every second of care you're currently investing into politics...please take that time and invest into learning a skill, learning a trade, advancing your understanding of mathematics, read a book, write a book, go visit your grandma in the hospital or old folks home, join a rock and roll band, write a rap, preform some rap, learn how cook, etc. etc. etc.

Basically anything you do with your time, Young People, is better than wasting your time caring about politics and this lamewad of an election. There's serious problems in the world today, you can change things. You can become inventors and tech experts. You can become doctors. You can volunteer and feed the hungry n' thirsty kids of the world. You can do shit that actually isn't stupid. Your time has value.

For a young person to convince themselves to care about politics is the corruption of a young brain. It is the waste of a young person's brain power and its time here on earth...it really fucking is. If any Soylent Greener calls you dumb or uneducated or socially unresponsible because you don't vote...next time...tell that Soylent Greener to go take a bath because they smell like an old person and are disgusting. 

And, as for Americans angry over the media circus of their elections and wanting it to be toned down. Be careful what you wish for, guys. Be careful what you wish for. Put yourselves in a Canadian's boots and just try to picture for one second the topics our 400 million dollar freak show covers....

"Mr. Leader what is your favorite kind of Tim Horton's Donut?"

"Honorable Member of Parliament...what kind of ice cream do you like?"

"Prime Minsiter of Canada...what color in the Smarties box tastes the best in your opinion?"

"What is your official stance on Movies and TV Shows?"

If you Americans had to be in our boots for even 5 seconds of this you'd literally kill yourselves. You wouldn't be able to handle this level of howdy doody, you wouldn't. Believe you me....you'd go crazy having to listen to this shit, man. No joke.

End Note: I think the template media-character the Canadian politicians go with is the "innocent retarded child" character. Good examples of this are Andy Merrill's "Brak" character or John C. Reilly's "Steve Brule" character. It's un-comprehensible to me how Canadian politicians go with this as their default image. Apparently the minds of Canadians is comparable to a mind of a 4 year old if these are the personas our politicians think we will relate to.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Re-Defining the Concept of "God"

I was listening to a Jesuit on the Neil Tyson show the other day,  that show does some pretty interesting segments sometimes, for sure. One part of that Jesuit show that was interesting was the priest talking about how Einstein often used the word "God" and Tyson tried to explain to the priest that science's concept of "God" is not what you think it is.

This essay will use three instances of popularizers of science and try to further explain what Tyson was trying to explain to the priest. The popularizers of modern science will be A) Buck Fuller, B) Carl Sagan, and C) Albert Einstein.

We'll do Einstein last to talk about his definition of "God" after the other two popularizers are explained to help delve into what Einstein's concept of "God" was.

Alright so first my boy Fulla...

Buck Fuller on "God"

I've read most of what Buck's written and there's a lot to work with in using his texts to try and explain how people of science view the concept of God, but, one clear-cut easy to work with example is Buck's re-writing or "re-thinking" rather of the "Lord's Prayer" which was composed in 1979 and reads as follows:

To be satisfactory to science
all definitions
must be stated
in terms of experience

I define Universe as
all of humanity’s
consciously apprehended
and communicated (to self or others)

In using the word, God,
I am consciously employing
four clearly differentiated
from one another
experience-engendered thoughts.

Firstly I mean: —

Those experience-engendered thoughts
which are predicted upon past successions
of unexpected, human discoveries
of mathematically incisive,
physically demonstrable answers
to what theretofore had been misassumed
to be forever unanswerable
cosmic magnitude questions
wherefore I now assume it to be
scientifically manifest,
and therefore experientially reasonable that

scientifically explainable answers
may and probably will
eventually be given
to all questions
as engendered in all human thoughts
by the sum total
of all human experiences;
wherefore my first meaning for God is: —

all the experientially explained
or explainable answers
to all questions
of all time —

Secondly I mean: —
The individual’s memory
of many surprising moments
of dawning comprehensions
of an interrelated significance
to be existent
amongst a number
of what had previously seemed to be
entirely uninterrelated experiences
all of which remembered experiences
engender the reasonable assumption
of the possible existence
of a total comprehension
of the integrated significance —
the meaning —
of all experiences.

Thirdly, I mean:–
the only intellectually discoverable
a priori, intellectual integrity
indisputably manifest as
the only mathematically statable
of generalized principles —
cosmic laws–
thus far discovered and codified
and ever physically redemonstrable
by scientists
to be not only unfailingly operative
but to be in eternal
omni-interaccommodative governance
of the complex
of everyday, naked-eye experiences
as well as of the multi-millions-fold greater range
of only instrumentally explored
infra- and ultra-tunable
micro and macro-Universe events.

Fourthly, I mean: —
All the mystery inherent
in all human experience,
which as a lifetime ratioed to eternity,
is individually limited
to almost negligible
twixt sleepings, glimpses
of only a few local episodes
of one of the infinite myriads
of concurrently and overlappingly operative
sum-totally never-ending
cosmic scenario serials

With these four meanings I now directly address God.

“Our God —
Since omni-experience is your identity
You have given us
overwhelming manifest: —
of Your complete knowledge
of Your complete comprehension
of Your complete concern
of Your complete coordination
of Your complete responsibility
of Your complete capability to cope
in absolute wisdom and effectiveness
with all problems and events
and of Your eternally unfailing reliability
so to do

Yours, Dear God,
is the only and complete glory.

By Glory I mean
the synergetic totality
of all physical and metaphysical radiation
and of all physical and metaphysical gravity
of finite
but nonunitarily conceptual
scenario Universe
in whose synergetic totality
the a priori energy potential
of both radiation and gravity
are initially equal
but whose respective
behavioral patterns are such
that radiation’s entropic, redundant disintegratings
is always less effective
than gravity’s nonredundant
syntropic integrating

Radiation is plural and differentiable,
radiation is focusable, beamable, and self-sinusing,
it is interceptible, separatist, and biasable —
ergo, has shadowed voids and vulnerabilities;

Gravity is unit and undifferentiable
Gravity is comprehensive
inclusively embracing and permeative
is nonfocusable and shadowless,
and is omni-integrative
all of which characteristics of love.
Love is metaphysical gravity.

You, Dear God,
are the totally loving intellect
ever designing
and ever daring to test
and thereby irrefutably proving
to the uncompromising satisfaction
of Your own comprehensive and incisive
knowledge of the absolute truth
that Your generalized principles
adequately accommodate any and all
special case developments,
involvements, and side effects;
wherefore Your absolutely courageous

omnirigorous and ruthless self-testing
alone can and does absolutely guarantee
total conservation
of the integrity
of eternally regenerative Universe

Your eternally regenerative scenario Universe
is the minimum complex
of totally intercomplementary
totally intertransforming
nonsimultaneous, differently frequenced
and differently enduring
feedback closures
of a finite
but nonunitarily
nonsimultaneously conceptual system
in which naught is created
and naught is lost
and all occurs
in optimum efficiency.

Total accountability and total feedback
constitute the minimum and only
perpetual motion system.
Universe is the one and only
eternally regenerative system.

To accomplish Your regenerative integrity
You give Yourself the responsibility
of eternal, absolutely continuous,
tirelessly vigilant wisdom.

Wherefore we have absolute faith and trust in You,
and we worship You

 (video version of an older version of Buck Fulla's "Lord's Prayer": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJKLs6zEU8g&t=2m8s)

Here in this prayer he is in total "Synergetics" mode which is kind of like some super-autistic language he made up. In English, Buck is basically saying that the concept of "God" is a direct synonym to the word "Universe". Everything that exists and can be understood by humans is defined as our Universe and our Universe is our God. Buck, just like Nelson Dwight Sickels, never put the word "the" in front of Universe...to him that was a form of blasphemy. It is "Universe" not "The Universe"...just like a religious person wouldn't say "The God" like "I'm praying to The God today" they would just say "I'm praying to God". Similarly with Buck, who believes Universe IS God, he never referred to Universe as "The Universe."

This, I think, is a good intro into understanding how people who deal with science view the concept of "God" and even though Buck mentions God in his prayer....he is not invoking the same concept as a religious person is when they use that term. God to Buck is simply Universe....nothing more and nothing less. God to him is "a series of integral truths which are a combined plurality of generalized principles."

Carl Sagan on how Spiritual this "Universe" is

Ok, so in trying to explain this rational yet spiritual view of "God" we are going to continue on with the definition of "Universe" to be a synonym of "God." If Universe is deified to represent "God" can people thus have spiritual experiences from this plurality of integral truths known as Universe?

Sagan has a book, I think it was a post-humous printing of talks he gave, which is called Varieties of Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God.

Since this essay is trying to show that Universe can be spiritual in itself this book is a good place to go to next. The topic of spirituality derived from the beauty of the "Cosmos," on the radio show the other day where Neil Tyson debates a Jesuit priest he does cover this. At one point Tyson stated that while looking off a tall mountain and seeing the world under you and the clouds under you....a person can feel this sense of awe inspiring emotion from the beauty of the world. The beauty of Universe itself can surely be a spiritual experience in and of itself without the need for deities.

A guest on the radio show was also Richard Dawkins, a evolutionary biologist, who once described Sagan's book Varieties of Scientific Experience as....

"Was Carl Sagan a religious man? He was so much more. He left behind the petty, parochial, medieval world of the conventionally religious, left the theologains, priests, and mullahs wallowing in their small-minded spiritual poverty. He left them behind, because he had so much more to be religious about. They have their Bronze-Age myths, medieval superstitions and childish wishful thinking. He had the Universe." -Dawkins

First off, I don't know why he refers to Universe as "the" Universe...it looks really odd that "the" there. What he's saying makes sense though. I mean why when you're looking off a mountain enjoying how awesome your world is should you need to thank some voodoo "god" or stone-age deity for it? Why can't you just enjoy it? Not only enjoy it but let it invoke a sense of wonder about it that urges you to study it and understand it?

Who needs those "Bronze-Age" myths and texts anyway? There's parts of those books that are not very uplifting for today's society. A good chunk of the christ book is on how to properly punish sinners that's rife with eye plucking and terrible terrible burning, there's parts of the muslim book on what's the proper procedure for having relations with a child slave, there's parts of the jew book about what a jew isn't allowed to do and what you need to force "goyim sub-humans" to do that stuff for you. These old religious texts are ATROCIOUS and FUCKED UP. They don't instill a sense of wonder or awe in me....the bible, talmud, quran, etc. are super-duper depressing! I wouldn't allow children to read these books....they are 100 times worse than today's most violent movies and video games.

Not to burst your bubble but people like Carl Sagan and Neil Tyson are MORE religious than conventional religious people. These Bronze-Age myths aren't edifying or awe-inspiring in the least...there's nothing spiritual about them. They are just offensive and gross. Sagan and Tyson and others, can enjoy the beauty of Universe without the bull-doo-doo that goes with organized religion.

Since we're laying out the quotes hard up in here...we'll throw down a Sagan one too:

In its encounter with Nature, science invariably elicits a sense of reverence and awe. The very act of understanding is a celebration of joining, merging, even if on a very modest scale, with the magnificence of the Cosmos. And the cumulative worldwide build-up of knowledge over time converts science into something only a little short of a trans-national, trans-generational meta-mind. - Sagan

Science is all of humans' combined understanding of the "Cosmos" (which thanks to Tyson has become a popular word again.) Science is thus a "meta-mind", an all encompassing log of all humans' opinions/thoughts/feelings/generalizations/principles over all of trans-generational time.

"Cosmos" is a pretty good synonym for God too. I'm not so crazy about "Nature" anymore because over the last decade that word has been bastardized and ruined by the "organic food" and "organic medicine" people. "Natural" is quickly becoming a word solely used by jabronies in modern times so "Nature" with no "the" isn't a good go-to word for "God" these days.

Cosmos is written with a "the" so it can't be the best replacement word for "God"....it seems "Universe" with no "the" is still the coolest word at this point, I think.

Einstein and his Concept of "God"

So, coming back around to the main point, where the priest on the Tyson show claimed Einstein believes in God and Einstein is like the smartest guy so therefore smart people believe in God. As we can see from the previous two popularizers of science/rationality it is unlikely that this claim is gonna hold true. Einstein's concept of "God" is much more like Buck's concept of "Universe" and Sagan's concept of the "Cosmos."

Here is Einstein on religion:

"Scientists believe that every occurrence, including the affairs of human beings, is due to the laws of nature. Therefore a scientist cannot be inclined to believe that the course of events can be influenced by prayer, that is, by a supernaturally manifested wish.
However, we must concede that our actual knowledge of these forces is imperfect, so that in the end the belief in the existence of a final, ultimate spirit rests on a kind of faith. Such belief remains widespread even with the current achievements in science.
But also, everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that some spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe, one that is vastly superior to that of man. In this way the pursuit of science leads to a religious feeling of a special sort, which is surely quite different from the religiosity of someone more naive."

From these words it's not hard to deduce that yes he was a religious guy and did believe in "God" yet after reading Fuller's concept of "God" and Sagan's concept of "God" can you maybe begin to suspect that Einstein is more in that area as well?

The final statement is him saying that, yes, he is religious but not in the "naive" sense of reading the bible/quran/talmud and praying to voodoo gods in the sky for a plentiful harvest this year or to make it rain. His belief in "God" is of a "special sort" which is based on the "laws of nature."

His view of God is an amalgamation of the laws of nature....the combination of all generalized principles in Universe and the trans-generational meta-data of the Cosmos....nothing more and nothing less. Yes he uses the word "God" but that doesn't mean he thought he's going to "Heaven" when he dies or that he can ask a magic man in the sky to give him a thousand bucks if he thinks really hard to him...no....he believes "God" is a set of natural laws.


The views of rational thinkers on religion and spirituality is not that much different than that of non-rational thinkers. Rational dudes/chicks just cut away the bull crap to get to the good part.

It's like chipping away at a rock until you are left with the diamond stuck in the center. Rational thinkers cut away all the silly crap associated with spiritualness....they cut away all the silly passages from books written two thousand years ago about floods n' slaves n' castration n' flying human-faced donkeys who kill entire armies of infidels...they throw ALL that GARBAGE away and focus on the meaty part of spirituality....the ever-invoking awe and wonder of the cool-cool world around us.

They find comfort in how cool the Natural Laws are that govern the Cosmos of our Scenario called Universe. You know what I mean?

End note: I'm not always sure Carl Sagan was that less naive than conventional religous-types as Dawkins was saying. With Sagan's alien bull-doo-doo, he did believe that there was a force "out there somewhere" that we can talk to and entrust our hopes and dreams to and this force in space would end up being our salvation.

His views on finding Aliens with radio signals really is a conventional religious experience, no doubt. The yearning for science people like Sagan, Hawking, SETI Institute and others to search for these "aliens" is definitely a replacement for religion for them. Sagan recorded messages for these Aliens which, I dunno 'bout you, but listening to them...it pretty much sounds like he's "praying" to these alien deities "out there." The alien stuff might be a very conventional religion for the non-religious types to use as a replacement for their discarded religions.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

2015 Just For Laughs Fest: Nasty Show Review

I think people in Montreal get spoiled and jaded to all the awesome shit that happens in this city. I think that's even one of the reasons the Expos left is because we're Entertainment Overloaded here to the point where we get jaded and don't appreciate the high quality of Entertainment that this city offers to us.

I'm that way too, like after the 5th time of going to the Jazz Fest you kind of get the feeling of "been there, done that" and you stop going. I realized that the last time I went to a Just For Laughs gala was probably over a decade ago. It's just one of those things you take for granted that it happens every year because you've "been there done that" already. Just like the Expos though, if we don't support these things they might eventually stop as well. It's great for tourism but local support is important too.

The last time I went, it was a gala hosted by Jon Stewart and Lewis Black was the headliner. I'm sure this was over 10 years ago. The Just for Laughs fest is something, as a Montrealer, I think I filed away under "been there done that" and that's a shame because getting jaded to comedy is a terrible thing to do.

I think this year's Just for Laughs fest is uncommonly hardcore in terms of just how many comics and funny people are barnstormin' the city this July. Literally almost every funny person who is still living is in the city of Montreal right now.

Dave Chappelle for example who doesn't preform much anymore is doing TEN sold out shows this year. They got Weird Al doing a free open air concert which is cool, adult me is excited about a free Weird Al show...but I can try and imagine-back how excited "11 year old me" would have been about that. I used to rock out to Weird Al all the time as a child unit.

Every one is pumped up for this Comedy business this year....I can say with confidence that this year's comedy fest is the most stacked lineup in history.

Nasty Show

I like dirty comedy, I think it's natural and honest. To me hearing offensive stuff is like the emotion I get from watching horror movies. I know the horror movie is going to freak me out and exercise my fear-muscles...and I want it to do that. If a horror movie doesn't scare me I feel jipped. Same thing with offensive comedy...if the comics didn't offend me and exercise my uncomfortable-muscles then I feel jipped.

The lineup for this year's Nasty Show was fucked-upingly bad-ass. They spiced it up this year for sure.

I'm gonna do a short review of the immense talent displayed at this show while it is still fresh in my mind.

Host: Mike Ward

Ward is already a huge act within the French demographic of North America. He is the biggest stand up in Quebec right now. That demo is only about 6 million people or so, and he wants to do some english material to try and launch into the English North American demo as well...which is something like 300 million people or more. He's fluent in both french and english so tapping the other 300 million people of North America shouldn't be a difficult transition for him.

His bits were solid, he did a great job...as host, his main function was to get the crowd pumped and ready to get crazy for the comics. Every time he took the stage the DJ would play "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine which is a great way to get folks amped. His crowd interaction was on the mark and he asked the right pump-up question to the large crowd..."are you all getting drunk!? Ya!" to get them fully pumped up to laugh.

 I think he can gain an American audience for sure.

Final Rating: A+

Leadoff Man: Mike Wilmot

Mike is an old horse from the Canadian circuit, he's a professional, he knows what he's doing. He's got a deep raspy voice that fits well with the material he does. He came out swingin' and the crowd really dug it.

He had a lot of quality material, one joke that was really good was a his sandwich joke. Paraphrased here....

"I'm open minded, I love all cultures. You guys in Montreal have a lot of different cultures and that's great, I like that. I think you can tell a lot about people from the sandwiches they make. A lebanese guy making a shawarma for instance. How can you hate arabs after eatin' one of those? Those guys make amazing sandwiches! Biting into one of those is like biting into Love. Then look at the Jews....people hate 'em...but how can you hate 'em? Have you ever eaten smoked meat down at Schwartz's? That's a damn good sandwich! Then there's the Chinese......um.....hold on they don't have any sandwiches....their more of a dumpling people.

...I don't trust those damned dumpling people! Why can't you make a sandwich!?
That bit is funny because it's true. Chinese food is amazing and great but how come they never work with bread? Why can't the Chinese design a damned sandwich? Wilmot is right.

He was a great leadoff guy.

Final Rating: A+

The Always Impeccable and Refined: Jimmy Carr

This guy very meticulous and methodical, he is a consummate professional. He knows exactly how to work with time, pauses, and delivery.

The Triple Toppin' Triceratops of Comedy
He works with "toppers" which are basically added bonus punches to punch lines. He won't hold up at one topper though he goes into 3 or 4 topper punches on punch lines at times. A formulaiic breakdown of his style on a Big 3 Topper is as so....

Look business-like at clipboard -> Present Set Up -> Pregnant Pause -> Punch Line -> Shift Eyes from Left to Right in Eye Socket 3 to 4 times -> Topper 1 -> Shift Eyes from Left to Right in Eye Socket 3 to four times -> Topper 2 -> Shift Eyes from Left to Right in Eye Socket 3 to four times -> TOPPER 3!

His jokes have 3+ punch lines in many cases, they are serious three horners. In the dinosaur world you call a three horned beast a Triceratops. His tri-top method makes him the Triceratops of Comedy, no doubt.

He works well with contrast too. He presents himself as a regaled/official British man of Royal/Noble extraction....but his material has to do with the dirtiest n' filthiest shit, guy. The contrast works very very well.

Final Rating: A+

The Queen Bee Herself: Ms. Luenell

Queen Bee
The brand of comedy championed in the "Party Records" era of Rudy Ray Moore, Redd Foxx, LaWanda Page and others undoubtedly was a Golden Age of Comedy.

Luenell's brand of comedy really is an encapsulation of that Golden Age. She's keeping that style alive and well with her killer act. She is amongst the greats of LaWanda Page and Lady Reed...her style is up there with those two comics, no doubt.

Her act made me feel like I was whisked away into a Dolemite movie. It was cool. Her material is top notch too, no doubt about it. She does a great bit about how the masturbatorial habits of men and women differ (complete with an impression of how both men and women masturbate their dicks/pussies).

Her blowjob material was the killer part of the set, for me. She animates all the stuff she's talking about with mannerisms and it's so filthy and funny. A paraphrased example....

"Damn, men don't understand that blowjobs are fore play...they want that shit to be the whole sex session. No! That is just foreplay. Y'all get 17-18 up and down sucks and that's IT then we gotta fuck. Seventeen to eighteen sucks...or 40 if it's your birthday! 

I don't know what's up with dicks these days either. Back in the day guys had nice big hard cocks you could suck on. Now y'all got these floppy bastards that I can't even get a grip on! I don't want to be chasin' a dick all over the damn room just to suck that shit! Damn."

She helps explain her points by animating the sex acts with the mic and her hands. When she shows you how hard it is to suck on a stupid floppy-ass dick....it's as funny as fuck.

Final Rating: A+

 The Phantom of the Opera of Comedy: Mr. Gilbert Gottfried

Art by Drew Friedman
Next the twisted and dark soul of Gilbert Gottfried took the stage, a deranged man who lives under Alan Thicke's cat walk....this creature does comedy sets in the bowels of that cavernous catwalk which haunt the land over and anyone within ear shot of his screeches and wails.

He takes the stage with two fingers over his eyes as a makeshift mask. Peeking out at the audience through his Adam West-esque Batusi mask...the phantom of the opera of comedy begins his set and the audience witnesses a true Master in Action.

His shrill voice pierces the air as the wails of this phantom carry to the back of the theater like a crescendo of nails on a chalk board. The shrill yet steady wails subside as his voice magically transforms into that of a well known celebrity from the 80s. His impression is so on the mark and perfect...the audience is simply left stunned by this doppelganger's mimicry.

The phantom's voice is a matter-less ether that can metamorphasize itself into any celebrity who's ever lived. Seven times out of ten....you don't even know who the fuck that celebrity is and have to google them. The phantom can become Kevin McCarthy, Georgie Jessel, Robert Benchley, Lou Costello, Bella Lugosi....all at the drop of a hat.

His transmogrifications into deceased obscure celebrities is a phenomenon which both shocks and captivates audiences the world over.

The masterful performance of The Phantom of the Opera known as "Comedy" has him regarded by the audience as a craftsman and icon....as he bows to acknowledge their feverish cheers.

Battin' Cleanup: "King Arthur" Lange

The bases were loaded up as all the previous comedians all got on their figurative bases. Mike Ward came out to get the crowd pumped one more time...this time....for the cleanup hitter...the great Artie Lange.

Never afraid to speak his mind, the impeccable Artie takes swings at all kinds of jabronies....but most of all the "kids these days."

The template known as the "problem with kids these days" is a cherished tradition in the comedy world. Here is Jack Carter telling the world what was wrong with the kids of the 1960s:

Da Kids deeez days (circa 1960-something)

The kids of the 60s just danced around and annoyed people....they were dumb...but not even as close to as dumb as the kids DEEZ DAYS! Forget about it, the kids these days. They are all retarded and everyone hates them and we all know it but no one has the balls to tell the Kids These Days to fuck off and eat shit....but Artie has those balls....Artie Lange is made of fucking balls, man.

Montreal has a lot of those "kids these days" and many of them aren't even kids anymore...they grew up and moved to what they call "The Plateau" and they just hipster it up 24-7 while they talk about the latest ironic summer fashions. Artie can't handle these kids, he can't even stand them....and neither can I.

Artie, thinking aloud on stage, was wondering to himself and the audience how'd he'd explain today's world to his father if his dad could come back to life for one day. How would he explain the Kardashians and other modern mysteries to his dad?

"....Dad, you know that Olympic guy from the early eighties, that Bruce Jenner guy? Remember that guy? Well, he has a fucking pussy now...."
Haha. Artie brought the whole night together....and he's so quick and agile mentally that he managed to work in a shout out to Jimmy Carr and that unique style of his as Artie double topped the end to this joke ...complete with 3-4 left-to-right fast eye shifts.

He came in hitting cleanup with the bases loaded...and this veritable Babe Ruth of Comedy knocked it out of the park. Grand fuckin' Slam!

Haha, I think the bat connected to the sweet part of the figurative ball when he made me mentally picture Lamar Odom drinking a tall glass of frosty crack! Haha.

Final Rating: A+


All of them killed. Hilarious night, for real.